Could you Survive???

Okay this is a random post for today. I asked the question earlier on twitter what would you do if you did not have your cell phone or blackberry for one day...one day??? Could you survive?

I mean we have become so dependent on our "crackberries" and out smartphones.  I recently bought the new Samsung Moment and I love it!!! I mean I had been a blackberry user for a while and now I am hooked on the android market.  I have my life on my phone. My numbers, my schedule, facebook, twitter, games, and even a (not the only one) Bible on there. Almost anything that I need I can access using my phone. If I don't know something google it. I have most of my email accounts connected to it. I know no one's phone number, sad I know. I don't even know my mother's phone number. 

We have become so dependent on our cell phones and mobile devices. I laugh at one of my friends because she has a Motorola Razor and refuses to get a smart phone...why??? She jus wans a phone, is there something wrong with that?  To actually use a phone just for a phone?

Now that I subscribe to so many blogs, my phone helps me manage them. Somedays when I come home I have 67 blogs to read and this is just after being away from my computer for a few hours. One time I was out of town for a few days and did not take my laptop with me and did not check my blogs on my blackberry...over a span of 3 or 4 day I had gathered over 400 blogs to catch upon. CRAZY!!! I know...but this is one thing I am thankful I can use my phone for. 

Could I survive without my phone for a day...yes, but would it be easy, doubt it. I am thinking about trying to do it, and see what happens....
Do Women really want a Thug???

This morning I was working out with my trainer and what was funny was that he brought up a topic that I had been having with one of my friends lately.  Standards in relationship and what you want in a mate. My trainer made the statement that a lot of women want a thug, someone who does not treat them right, someone who has no standards....

I begged to differ with him.  I explained to him, yes there are some women who like that, but I think there are a lot of women who don't want that and that are passed by because they do not fit this image that a man has created.  I have seen in so many settings...church, out to dinner with friends, club, bar, and other venues where men who say that want a "good" woman will gravitate to the woman who looks good, but may not have any other qualities that he ultimately wants in a mate. 

This past weekend a friend had a book discussion on Hill Harper's most recent book about relationships in the African American community. One major them that came up was where has "black love" gone or what is the true definition of "black love."  I did find it interesting that both men and women stated that they wanted a man or woman who can basically hold it down in the board room, but they know if they were put in a situation that needed that their mate would be a "thug" or a "ride or die chick." Now I don't disagree with that statement, but I don't think that should be a major requirement. Maybe I have lived a sheltered life and I am not saying things do not happen, but I do think you can avoid situations that need that type of person. Yes things happen in life that are unexpected, but somethings you don't have to experience by making the right choices.  I am 29 years old and I have never had the fear of being arrested, hemmed up in a situation that I think I might not a "thug" to handle business.  You understand?

What I want in a mate might be totally different that what most people want in a mate, but I do know that I do not want a bad guy, I do not want a guy that I am afraid to walk down the street with or be alone with, I do not want a guy that I can not take home to family and friends without being embarrassed.  With this being said....my trainer stated that most women want this....in my circle I find that not to be true. Most of my friends are cool, down to earth, nice, some are a little wild (in a good way), intelligent women....some are in relationships, some are married, some are single, but most do not want a thug in their life.

So my question, Do women really want a thug or do I live in a delusional world?
How I Feel


Okay....I have been going through a lot lately and honestly I don't know how to express it. I have long phone conversations with a friend, with the majority of the time I am crying. I have 1-2 hour text messaging conversations getting things out. I have long facebook chats with a friend. What is sad I still feel the same way and honestly I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.

This morning I responded to a text with a series of 4 texts (150 character limit gets me) and person responded with a phone call. I was not expecting phone call cause it was 6:30 in the morning. I am an early morning person, but most of my friends are not. I just thought the person would read the texts when they woke up and then respond....I guess the texts woke them up (my alerts are never that loud). Well anyway. We had a convo and got some more things out, but guess what...still feel the same way. I explained to the person that I know how I should feel and what I should do...but that I can't feel or do that right now.

I always try to have a positive outlook and try to see the best in every situation, but right now I don't feel like it. What was so interesting my pastor on Sunday preached from Galatians 6:9...Really got to me. Because that is exactly how I was feeling. What is sad is, and I guess where I am right now is I am frustrated. Like I told my friend I can give you the answer of what you want to hear, or what I should do, but I would just be lying to you and just saying what you want to hear.

My feelings right now are all over the place and most people can not understand what I am going through. Have you ever been in a point in your life where you are happy and things are going well, but there is one area of your life that frustrates you beyond belief??? I think that is where I am at now. When I discuss the topic you would think that life sucks, but it doesn't. I am honestly at a great point in my life....except that one thing. ARGHHH!!!!

Okay...I am done. Need to get back to work, several things I need to finish before I leave today. I think I am going to open up tomorrow, more than I have done with alot of people that know me personally. I can always talk around the subject, but I think it will help me if I truly talk about the subject, oh well.

We will see....Hope everyone has a had a great day. I honestly did, should have got more work done, but will start that now.

Joy and Pain

This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write.  A lot has been going on....good and bad.  Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.

I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have.  One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle.  The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating.  I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn. 

Now on to the pain.  Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects.  How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change?  If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love?  I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!! 

I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do.  It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!
Last Days of Work.....


Yesterday was probably the last full day of my current job...I have to go through a series of exit interviews and I started yesterday. When I got out my colleagues (coworkers, boss...whatever you want to call them) had surprised me with a going away party. I was totally shocked. My boss took me out to lunch with the other researcher on her team last week and hadn't planned on anything else. 

I have mixed emotions about leaving, but I know what I am doing is what is best for me in the long run...I have had ups and downs and my current job. It was not perfect, but I loved what I did and I actually liked the people that I worked with. Didn't always agree and we all had different styles, but we worked well together. My next job is a step in the direction I want to go in my career in the long term.  I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and allowing myself to learn new skills and really get exposed to more things. 

I know have becoming increasingly frustrated with the small things that irritate me....but I honestly believe that is because I know I am leaving.  I question sometimes should I leave, but I know it is the right decision. I have to do what is best for me. Honestly this job, I don't remember applying for because I was not looking for another full time job.  I will not go until details about everything that irritates me about my current job, but trust....I have put up with a lot. 

I am moving on and excited. I will keep in contact with my old job they have taught me so much and will use those skills for a long time.  I thank God for the experience and look forward to the experiences at my new job.
Sorry....
I was trying to post my often and I have been slacking.  I am starting a new job next month and trying to wrap things up at the old one.  I have never had so much to do!!! Times like this I wish I could be trifflin and let things go undone....but I can't.

Well anyway,  I have still been working out and trying to eat better. My personal trainer is killin me!!! I got on the scale yesterday and I have lost 9 pounds, so that is a start...too many to go, plus it is the holidays. HELP!!!

Overall life is good, but in transition.  I am in love...but don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing or if the feeling is recipricol...I might explain in a later blog.  Making changes in my life for the better and I am excited and scared all at the same time...

We will see where this path takes me....Life is a series of lessons and I am hoping that I am not failing them and that I don't have to repeat them. Learn from mistakes and move on...my thoughts.
Affirmation of a Parent.

This morning my mother and I had our usual early morning conversation.  I was venting frustrations about my job and just talked about plans for today.  What surprised me were the words she said in the midst of our conversation.  The more I think about those words, the more I am like WOW!!!

Does not matter what she said, but what she made me think about is how the words of a mother, words of a parent can mean so much. The affirmation of a parent can do magnificent things.  I began to think about what I can do and what I will do in the near future just because of a few words.

I also thought about the amount of children and even adults to this day who do not get affirmation from their parents and who still seek affirmation from their parents in so many ways....and not all of them good. Can you even imagine what a child can or would have become if their parent(s) told them what they could do? Can you imagine how many children would not be out in the world seeking negative attention just to get affirmation from people who truly don't love them because the people that were supposed to love them ignored them?

These are just my thoughts from a small, but meaningful conversation I had this morning. I am thankful for my mother and all that she has taught me and instilled in me.  More than she will ever know. I now think about and pray about the people who are still longing for the affirmation of a parent.