Don't Put Me in a Box

Why do people try to label you and put you in a box? I am me, I am different. Deal with it.  Some of the thoughts that I have had the past month or so have been outside of the usual me, but I am becoming okay with that.  Life is what you make of it and how you respond.

I realize I am an ever evolving person and I think life is better that way. One person in my life recently said that he feels that I really don't who I am and I am still discovering who that person is. I have to agree and disagree with this statement. I know who I am, but like I said I am ever evolving.  I am learning, no questioning that if how I feel will be understood by others.

Recently I told a male friend that I have given up on men, not becoming a male basher, but tired of the hurt of wanting and nothing happening......take that statement as you will. One person said I need to put myself out there, which I think I do....but nothing. It hurts, but I am slowly coming to grips with it.

Above it is recent picture of me.  Hair looked okay and I liked my smile eventhough my face is blurred. Cheese :-)

I am also admitting to myself that I overthink and question everything. Which can be difficult. I question people, motives, religion, and beliefs. I question why people do what they do why people who they feel.  There HAS to be a reason and logic behind everything in my mind. I NEED to know.....I get frustrated when I don't know....not a good place to be.

As  you have read my thoughts are random.....if you follow my blog you should know this by now. If you still follow me, thank you!!! I am more on twitter and tumblr, but as the year is winding down I really do believe that I will be posting on here more. 

Have a GREAT DAY!!!! Feel free to comment, also suggest some blogs you follow that I might find interesting.

A Conversation [ErykahBadu/J.Scott/Roots]

New Motto in Life

Just because I am not......does not mean I don't want to.

This is how I feel a lot of things in life these days. I think it has to do some with self discipline and some with afraid to just let things flow....

Below is a list of the things that I am referring to, but I will preface it by saying #dontjudgeme

1. I am not cursing you out.....does not mean I don't want to
2. I am not going to sleep with you....does not mean I don't want to
3. I am not going to buy that purse that is way out of my budget.....does not mean I don't want to
4. I am not going to kiss you and admit to you how I truly feel about you....does not mean I don't want to.

That is it for now. What are some things you are not doing that you want to do.....

Mystical Magical Creatures

The other day this was my facebook status

why do men (and women) create these mystical & magical creatures in their mind that they believe they will find as a mate?

People blamed on Disney and other things, but it made me think....why do we do this??? I mean we have these preconceived notions of what we want in the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.  Below I will list some of the things I have heard.....

Women should be:

1. Beautiful
2. Skinny
3. Independent
4. Porn Stars
5. Making 6 figures
6. Make me look good
7. Take care of kids
8. Keep the house clean
9. No kids

Men should be:

1. Fine
2. Rich
3. Working
4. Big Feet (you know what I am saying)
5. The perfect gentleman at all times
6. Allways attentive
7. Making at least 6 figures (not the same as rich)
8. No kids
9. College Educated

What is on your list for the perfect mate? Are your expectations realistic or have you created the same magical creature I lot of people have?

Just some thoughts.....

Why Can't it Just Be Simple!!!!

A recent series of events makes me wonder why things are so complicated? I mean why do people make things so hard. If you like someone or want to be with someone tell them! Why do you have to play games, why do you have to flirt. Just say it I LIKE YOU!!!

People always say that life is complicated, why does it have to be? Can't we just be unfiltered and say what is on our minds, do what we want to do, and just be free? No, because that would be too much like right. I am not saying get rid of rules and structure, but I think too many people hide behind them.

This all I can say for right now......We shall see where this goes. Good Morning :-)

Is Sexuality Fluid???

Sexuality is Fluid....
I don't mean like: you wake up and turn gay (p.s. no one “turns gay”—that phrase kills me)
I was attracted to this Lesbian who was very masculine..Would I act on it? Iono but i remember forgetting she was a she and just concentrating on how sexy she was…
when it comes down to it attraction is not about parts, but rather the essence of the person standing in front of you!

This is a post from How to be Nola Darling (deux) a great tumblr site that I follow.  It got me to thinking coupled with a question about my sexuality from a friend lately.  The fact that I have never dated I have been asked on a few occasions (from a few bold people) was I a lesbian. Question took me off guard, but it also made me think.

I can say no I am not a lesbian, but I can see how sexuality can be fluid. Have I ever been attracted to a woman, yes, but that woman had very masculine traits, and some of my attraction was can I say....complicated, it was more about the person than the gender. I love men and what I desire when I am with a man that I am attracted to, but can't say the same thing about a woman. But I totally agree with his last statement....the essence of the person standing in front of you.

What are your thoughts on the subject? 

Life, Love, Me :-)

I promise I am trying to get better. Health is FINALLY under control, work is becoming manageable, and I am getting a social life. Still no date yet, but I am not giving up hope (although sometimes I get discouraged).  Tumblr and twitter have been my short random thought mistress. I still love blogger, but posting has been harder. The free times I have I just like to rest.

One thing that is different in my life is that I am really being tested on what I believe and who I have become. Ever thought you or see yourself becoming the antithesis of what you thought you would be, rather it be good or bad? Well that is where I am in life and I am trying my best to deal with. Not saying rather it is good or bad, but I do realize that everything in life happens for a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason for this phase in my life, so we shall see.

Love....think it is my motivation these days. Love of people, love of life, love of me.  After a few anonymous posts on tumblr (this option has been deactivated.....just ask if you want to know). I think love is an important emotion and action in life, and right now I am learning to love unconditionally. I am also learning that sometimes you can love someone, but it is better for you not to be in each others lives (don't assume romantic....friendships and family can be toxic too). So we shall see how this goes.....how I respond.....and what I learn.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. This is homecoming weekend for me!! It has been 9 years since graduating!! One of my good friends is coming in town and several events homecoming related and not that I plan on attending so we shall see.....

Till I blog again... Have a Great life!!! (was going to say week, but I am trying to blog again before week is over)

31 now......

Been meaning to update my life on my 30 while 30 list......so here it goes;-) Learned a lot about myself and although I did not complete everything I have not given up. Some things will be added to my bucket list. (sorry for typos....did from my new tablet and have no spellcheck)

1.  No tattoo, have a skin condition and want to get under control before I try, but design is finalized.

2.  No passport, but going to Bahamas next year and although you don't need a passport they suggest you have in case of emergency.

3.  Date.... I wish :-(

4.  Completed 30  random acts of kindness.....you should try it.

5. Read 10 books, once I got two jobs spare time was minimal.

6.  No spontaneous trip, unless you count trip to Atlanta I planned in a week.....that was spontaneous for me.

7.   No white water rafting, but going to still do.

8.  No grad school apps yet, had a career sidetrack, but in a good way. Going to work on a certification first that is really good in my profession.

9.  30 letters done, email and typed & hand written notes.

10. 5k happening in November.

11. Got injured during marathon training, trying again next year.

12. Saved money.....but doctor bills and meds took it up, but thank God I could afford them.

13. Donated hair and my hair has grown back!!!!

14. Lost 20, but also found some medical reasons why I haven't been losing weight and doctor is trying to figure out.

15.  No home......can't decide on where I want to live.

16. Became a clinical trials associate, close and better money.....one step closer!

17. Went to San Antonio and Dallas, past the Mississippi!!!!

18.  No big ticket item for my mother....but still will do.

19. Closet cleaned and goodwill blessed!

20. Did not visit graves of my father and my sister.......can't yet.

21. Some tough questions asked, but still have more.

22. Knitting is hard!!! Worked on more crocheting techniques.

23. Vision plan......still formulating work in progress.

24. No BIG concert, but did see Eric Roberson at Centerstage in Atlanta......progress!

25. First kiss...not so much :-(

26. Signature vegan dish...made. Brown rice and veggie dish, still working on a name.

27. Financial plan done! Now I just have to stick to it.

28. Art not purchased, money had to be spent somewhere else.

29. Speaking my mind........a little bit more.

30. I did have a fun year in spite of!!!!!

Trying Mobile again.....

Welll.....this weekend I purchased a tablet ago I decided to give mobile blogger a try. Easier to type (swype) longer post on here. So we are going to try again. I hope everyone has a great day! Going to try to make a post next to see it goes on here.

Living Life

To the right is me....I am still alive with blue hair.  I keep saying I am going to blog more.....not happening in my life right now.  Life is moving and honestly I don't know which direction I am going in right now. I am using twitter and tumblr more. You are welcome to follow me there.

For those who follow me and I follow you...Trust I am still reading your blogs (especially The Gayte-Keeper....don't comment, but I read one of the few I just don't skim).  I read blogs read daily to make me think and challenge my way of thinking. Sometimes even for pleasure :-) but I refuse to read bossip....can't purposefully kill brain cells.

Life is a journey and mine has taken a surprising turn.  My motto in life is now becoming.....

Never say Never......

Take it as you will. But like I said check me out on tumblr and twitter.  (not ready to open up facebook to everyone).

Tumblr: Humbly Musicstyle

Twitter:  Musicstyle

30 + 1

Friday is my 31st birthday....I am kind of excited. Last year around this time my grandmother had just passed and I was not in the best of moods. This year has been rough. Didn't accomplish all that I wanted to, but I did make some important changes in my life.  Life has been difficult, faced with some challenges I never thought I would, but guess what.....I am still alive.

My faith has been tested (still being tested) and I have questioned a lot of what I believe and what I have been taught. I do not know the answers to all the questions I have in my head, but I have more clarity. I still believe in God, just question a lot of what people do in the name of religion. Ritual without knowledge. I believe it is okay to question to gain understanding, an educated faith is a powerful thing, people act so much out of emotion, but when it comes to defend their faith....fall very short.

I am slowly finding my own path....

Stupid People Irritate Me!!!

(See I am attempting to get better at blogging regularly)

Yesterday was very frustrating for me. Have you ever dealt with stupid people? I mean everybody has moments, but when everything you do is stupid? Sometimes I wonder do people realize they are stupid?

Had this experience yesterday and I was already on edge were I really let stupid people get to me. Some was work related, some was personal....and lastly family. Each situation was not avoidable, but I was like are you serious? I mean get it together!!!!

Done venting....off to work (if I can get out of my bed)

Really sucking at blogging right now :-(

This morning I got up and my bed held me hostage. I could not do anything....I just stayed in my bed and did nothing.

My life has been a whirlwind and I am trying to manage my time and get use to everything. I have had ups and downs, but I am still standing. The pic to the left is my hair now, it is finally growing back so I am truly getting excited about getting my tattoo.....but that might be put on hold (will explain later).

Work, mentoring, health, and my personal life has been on struggle lately and I honestly I am just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....hopefully.

A lot has been on my mind and my heart and sometimes I just do not know how to express it all....so we shall see.


For those who still read my blog, THANK YOU!!! I microblog on my tumblr when I can and I still tweet the random things that go on in my head (most of the time). I am hoping that life will get back to some form of normal soon.....so we shall see. My biggest hurdle right now is my health, do not know know what is going on with my skin, which has delayed my tattoo, but I am worried about how they can not give me a definite answer. I get tired of people looking at my arms and staring, I have been breaking out for a while and it is getting worse, I have medications, get shots, go to the doctor every two weeks....but it is not improving. I hope when I go again this week something can be changed, but what is being down now is not workin....so we shall see.

I still have thoughts that I want to express that I think and hope I get out more on this blog. I am slowly realizing that I have to take my mornings to blog, right now one of the few free moments I have in my day.

Death

I am honestly not blogging as much because life has gotten in the way (weird right). I am posting more at my tumbly site HumblyMusicstyle. Easier to post from my phone and I am loving format better. Don't think I will ever get rid of this blog because I have had it for so long....

But last week a friend of mine lost his 14 year old son. It has jacked me up more than I thought. It has made me think about some things that I did not process when my sister died. Although I was an adult, I was barely...still in college, still living off my parents. You can read about my sister here. Although she was an adult....she was still a child.

Life is okay, but still processing some things....too much hate and selfishness in the world.....needs to change

What if were a lesbian......

New post on my tumblr account......
What if I were a lesbian?

Evil Cicadas!!!

You see this pic?????

This evil thing had been invading Nashville for the past coupke of weeks. It has attacked my hair, my windshield, my whole car, my face,..... I can keeo going.

They come every 13 years and stay for about a month, then they die out. They make the most irritating noise and they fly everywhere!

But they are leaving and dying out!

Blogger Mobile!!!!

Don't know how long there had been this app.....but it will help me blog more and I am so excited!!!!

I live on my phone and it will allow me to post while I am out and about.....so geeked! (I am such a nerd)

Tumblr????

Okay I have joined tumblr, why??? NO CLUE! But I am thinking it will bridge the gap between twitter and blogging.  I can do it from my phone. It will have the random thoughts and rants that I have in my head that are longer than 140 characters, but shorter than a full blog post which I don't seem to have the time to do as much. I want to blog and like I said I plan on blogging once a day....but sometimes it might be through my  tumblr sight.

So....hopefully you can follow me on twitter and tumblr too :-)

Tumblr account Humblymusicstyle (combination of my two user names)

Twitter account musicstyle (hope link works...was having technical difficulties)


Promised I would blog today so here you go! Had another emotional set back today and wanted to vent about that....but not ready yet :-(

Blogging Once a Day is my goal

Recent pic of me! I like it! Hair is growing back so tattoo is in the near future. A lot has been going on in my life and have not been blogging as much, but I am determined to blog once a day to get some things off my mind. It makes me feel better.

Life has been challenging, but I am pushing my way through. Love my new job, but keeps me busy (hence less blogging).  Second job is great too, it has it issues, but I love helping the kids! Personal life....you will be hearing about in my next few blogs. I have not given up on my 30 while 30 list, but I have not made as much progress as I had planned....will update you all on that soon. 

So hope all is well in your world! Lots on my mind, wonder what I will blog about first????

My Name is My Name!!!

If you follow me you know that I am in the process of FINALLY watching the show The Wire. Well I am in the last season and I close to being finished, but recently this clip above got me and for some reason remembered when most of my friends actually saw the clip when it came on TV. 

What is funny is this phrase means a lot to me. I have yet to write about why I left my last position of work and one reason was the quote above....my name is my name. Today while walking around campus I ran into someone I met briefly before I left my last department.  I had no idea who she was, but when I was introduced to her, my name and my work ethic were praised.....this is something I truly value.

I work hard, smart, and try to present myself in the best way I can on any job.  I also try to be consistent in my personal life (little bit on struggle with that right now....but I still can say my name is my name).

With that being said.... My name is my name!!!

What do people think about when they hear your name?

Trust Issues????

Recently I asked a friend did I come off as unapproachable and she said I come off as guarded in part that she things I have trust issues.  This statement really got to me, even though I value her statement and what she said because she knows more about me than almost anybody.

But when she said I had trust issues it kind of took me back, because in my mind trust is earned and not given and it takes a lot for me to trust people...why? Because like I have said in previous blogs people let you down.  I am not the bitter black woman or nor do I treat people like they will hurt me from the get go, but I do realize once they do it is not a shock....makes me cope with it better.

Is this exactly me having trust issues? I honestly do not know. What I do know is that when time after time people prove me right it is more about protecting myself. This point of view goes for relationships, friendships, family members, and work. 

Can I be guarded? Maybe, but I think this stems out of the fact that I am different. I am 30 year old woman that has never truly dated.  I can't approach relationships like most people....when it happens it will be my first, this makes my views on things a little different.  Don't like lumping people together, but when most people here this.....does not go off very well, most people are shocked and honestly they don't treat me the same way.

Just a couple of thoughts I wanted to get out while I am taking a break from work.  Training and reading for days!!!! But still loving new job. Less free time, but I enjoy what I am doing.

Life in a Dgital World.....

This morning I woke up way to early.  I have had a lot on my mind and I have been trying to process it all.  I think my blog will remain the place where I let things out that I can't tell the people closest to me.  It seems like my online profile have become more censored as the days go by and this is beginning to frustrate me. Some people say just be who you are and say what you want and not worry about what others think and say.....if it were only that simple!

I think we all have evolved over the growth of social media and connecting online with people and if we really track the profiles we have had over the years you would probably be surprised.I have various profiles online and most have them had been deleted (as much as they can be) and sometimes I wonder when I get older (grandparent age) will I continue to have the same profiles that I have now. I mean I have gone through yahoo, collegeclub, blackplanet, myspace, friendster, and those are just the ones I can think about off the top of my head.

I mainly use facebook and twitter these days.  Facebook has become my way to connect with friends, family, and coworkers (past and present) but it's use is shrinking. I think it is the main page that I have began to censor. From the creating of lists to hide posts from certain groups, from using less and less each day. I would like to delete, but it is used by so many people to update about life, events, and share information about what is going on.  I use to update statuses a few times a day, but with new job it is hard to follow and read like I use to and statues are maybe once a day and they are usually generic and something random that I have seen or thought. I love facebook, but my worlds have become to interconnected and I am not liking that.

Twitter has become the place where I type whatever I feel, random thoughts feelings and ideas that pop in my head. I interact with people I do and don't know, but I feel a little less censored. Most of my real life friends and people I know do not know my twitter world....and I kind of like that. I am adding more and more people I do know, but interesting no family members, which I hope to keep that way. But the thing is with more people I know following me the less I reveal about my blog and once again I begin to censor myself.

So I wonder where my digital life will evolve to next. I wonder will people continue to read and look at what I post. I can only be me and I have to decide what I want to share with the outside world. I just hope my blog continues to be a space to let things out and hopefully sometimes inspires people to think differently or get to know something about me that most people don't take the time to figure out.

Life.....

I am alive. Loving new job, but personal life has been.....interesting. (this is probably going to be a rambling post)

Getting use to my new job and trying to balance personal life has been hard these days.  What was crazy was going through hell on my job and personal life was great....now loving new job and personal life is hell. Why can't both me great right now????

I am the type of person that question...everything. This can be good and bad. What become bad is when people look at you crazy because you just don't go with the status quo.  I know I am different, I know I can be weird, but that is just me.

Why do I let people get to me like I do? Don't say you care and then do exactly what you know hurts me!

I will be blogging more....lot's on my mind. Check out my other blog also, chronicling my weight loss or lack there of.

Mind is scattered right now....Hopefully it will get better we shall see :-/

Why Can't We Be Together????

Been thinking about love a lot lately. I mean why can't it be simple? Why can't the person you love love you back?  Life would be a whole lot easier.

I have realized that I really care for someone, but I know that we will never be together.....life circumstances. I use the word care, because I do not know if I can call it love....at this point.  But what I think that what is preventing me from saying love is the fact that I know that we could never be together.

Have you ever been in that situation? Where time, finances, career, perceptions of society, socioeconomic statuses, already married prevent you from being together.  People like to say these things should not matter, but they do. How can I love and be with someone who my family will never love even if I love them with all my heart?

I just don't know right now. I am learning to let go, learning to realize that there is someone out there for me that is not you. It is hard......but I know I just have to wait.

My fascination with Stringer Bell

I know I am late, but I have totally become addicted to the show The Wire.  I have been watching it on Netflix for the past month or so and just finished season 3.  I was so fascinated with the relationship of Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale.  Two men who came from the same neighborhood, but looked at business and how to run things a little differently.

If you have watched the show you know that Stringer Bell gets killed at the end of season 3 (I am still distraught about this).  Don't know why but the character of Stringer Bell fascinated me for so many reasons. His looks, his business style, his loyalty (or lack there of), and so many more things. I question if I came in contact with Stringer Bell would he be as fascinating? Is my fascination of him just because he is a tv character? 

Knowing that he is a drug mogul, but has money, would his personality and his swagger (don't like that word....but it fits), would they make me overlook his illegal and cold hearted ways? 

Just some thoughts.....

I am alive.....

I really like this pic for some reason

I am still here, you know I would return....I have been going through a lot, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Too much to talk about in one post so I will give you bullet points for now....will elaborate in other posts when I can. You can follow me on twitter at musicstyle....best way to keep up with me these days.

1. Got strep throat was out for a week
2. Marathon training and we are doing 12 miles on Saturday....PRAY!!
3. Got a new job :-)  More money, better fit, I am happy
4. Still working 2 jobs, but I love the kids....don't know if I will give that up just yet.
5. Still questioning things about my faith, no, questioning church, not faith.....God is still awesome....church folks, not so much
6. Struggling a lot lately with the fact that I am 30 and never dated....really getting to me these days
7. Switched up tattoo design....will get after half marathon is complete. I am so getting excited :-)

These are just a few things that are going on.  I am going to attempt to start blogging daily again, hopefully you all are still following and reading. Thanks for the comments and thanks for those who blogs I read (or skim).

I have missed blogging consistently and hopefully I can get back in the habit.

What does my life consist of these days????

I am still here.  I have been going through a lot lately....will elaborate more once things settle down. I really need to blog more regularly. My life consists of waking up at 4am, working out from 4:30-6am, getting ready for work and sitting in traffic from 6-8am, working from 8am-8pm (have two jobs now), and sleeping....then REPEAT!

Weekends are spent doing long walks (9 miles this weekend.....PRAY!!!!) to prepare my self for the half marathon, working with the kids on the weekends and mentoring, church on Sundays.  How long will this last???? Probably until I finish with my half marathon training.  

On top of having some personal issues that I am dealing with (like I said will blog about at a later date) life has been very interesting for me lately. One thing I can say is that I am learning a valuable lesson in this season and I know that it is preparing me for the next phase in my life.  Can't wait!

Hope you all continue to read and hopefully something I write inspires or makes you think or just gives you some entertainment during your day. 

Can Men & Women Just Be Friends????

Can men and women just be friends????? After a few conversations and some recent experiences this thought has been in my mind a lot......Would love your opinions!

I am still alive!

I am still here!!! Just been crazy these days with work, half marathon, training, and last week I came down with strep throat (not a good feeling or look).

I have a lot to write about, but just need to find the time.  Soon....I promise

Major Accomplishment!!!

The picture above is a screen shot of the longest distance I have ever walked! If you are following my blogs you know that I am training to walk a half marathon in April.  I am training with Team Rio which is helping raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Middle Tennessee. So on Saturdays we do group run/walks and yesterday was a test for me to see if I would be able to keep training.

See two Saturdays ago the route was a little over 6 miles, but a little than 5 miles through the course I gave up. What happened I made the mistake of walking 4 miles the day before and body was tired the next the day and I did not have the mental or physical ability to finish.  Then last week I could not walk with the group due to prior obligations and I did not push myself to do the walk on my own. 

The fact that I was able to finish 8.4 miles, have a pace of less than 20 miles/minute, able to go to work right after, and still be able to function the rest of the day was a testimony in itself. I know now that I have the motivation and the commitment to see this thing to the end. During the walk I thought about giving up, I kept asking myself is it worth it??? Yes it is!

I am resting today and Monday, and hoping to work on getting my miles down to around 18 minutes.  I am excited about this week's workout! Did you see the calories burned? Some people don't eat that many calories in a day!!!

I will say this....it was nothing but God that helped me get finished with the route!

Half Marathon Training

Been busy at work and training for half marathon. Really trying to complete #11 on my 30 Things While 30 List Check out my post over at my other blog Operation Death of Fat Girl . Feel free to comment and provide suggestions

Who do you consider a friend??

Simple questions......

Who do you consider a friend? What attributes do they have?

February 9, 2010

On this day was the first time I spent 5.5 hours to go somewhere that usually takes 20 minutes. Can you say I was pissed!!!! See Nashville had snow and since it is the south several things happened.

1. People do not know how to drive in the snow
2. The city (as many times as it snows) does not know how to prepare for it.
3. Everyone freaked out and left the office when they see two flakes of snow.
4. Where I work has over 20,000 employees and in my opinion they all left at the same time and that caused it to take TWO hours to get off campus!
5. Did I mention that people here do not know how to drive in the snow??????

During that 5.5 hours I tweeted, posted pics on facebook, chatted with other people on facebook who were stuck in the snow (in same vicinity).  This helped the time go by, but still the principle of being stuck in a car and truly wasting that much time of my life (although I probably waste that time doing other things). 

Now that that horror is over. Once it starts snowing again while I am at work I am so not leaving until extra late, let the crazy people get stuck in traffic.

Just had to vent....

SN....I so want to walk the loop during my lunch break (about 3.2 miles) but the temp outside is stuck at 10 degrees, it need to at LEAST get to freezing (never thought I would say that) for me to even attempt it.

Answer to My Question

After receiving a text today I phrase I had heard before popped in mind....

Never ask a question you are not prepared for the answer for.

But guess what....I did that this weekend and I might be getting a response soon.  Honestly I do not know what to expect. I had wrestled with not getting an answer and was prepared to not get an answer....well we shall see what happens. I am not going to contemplate the possible responses to the question, because the last time I did this about a scenario I received something that I was not expecting.

All I know is lesson learned and now I have to prepare myself to except the consequences of my question....good or bad.

Appearances & Looks

Why do people base relationships on looks and appearances? I mean does how a person looks help to make a relationship last. I had a convo with a friend recently and he made the statement that a person has to be attracted to you to get to know you, which I can understand from some aspect, but to base a relationship or completely say if a person does not have a certain appearance you will not be with them or get to know them is very superficial and from my perspective one reasons relationships are so jacked up now.

If you follow my blog you probably have read that I have never dated or been with anybody and lately this has been a real struggle for me because most of my closest friends have gotten married or are in committed relationships. I can frustrated because when I tried to explain or talk about my feelings with close friends they do not understand or dismiss my feelings....and that hurts.  It gets frustrating when you know who you are, what you have to offer, and the love you have to give, but no one gets to know it because you don't fit a mold that society says I should fit.

I know that I am a beautiful person who loves to have fun, give back, work hard, listen to friend's problems, cook, play and help influence kids who will grow to be our leaders of tomorrow. I love music and could listen and dance (not in public) to almost any great song.   I am silly and can be a dork at times, I realize that I might love to much and expect the best in people.....probably why I am let down so much.  I am not perfect, but what I am is a person who desires the companionship of another, but when no one takes the time to get to know that person it hurts.

A friend said I should spice it up, dress up more, which I think I do, but just because I don't like to wear heels, make up a lot, does not mean that a person should pass me over. I look nice, love a nice pair of pants and a shirt and I am good. I will wear a dress from time to time (more in the summer).  Plus I feel if I am not approached either way why not be comfortable???

Yes you have to be attracted to a person, but what if you miss out on something amazing just because it does not "look" like what you think it should?  If someone gave you a funny looking car that got you from point A to point B, but because it did not look like what you wanted you don't take it, but it had $1,000,000 in the trunk? You have missed something great over something superficial. 

Just some thoughts in my head right now....really needed to get those out. Have a had a lot going on health, professional, work, and spiritual......might be blogging a lot more to get some things out. Hope everyone has a great day. Trying to make the best of mine. On my way to the doctor!

Game Face On

Right now I need to wear this shirt everyday.....I want to explain more in depth, but can't today.  But what I do know is I am tired of having my game face on. Tired of the pains and hurts.  My thoughts are when people don't care about the small things why should I trust you with the big things......so what do I do, I keep it inside, which right now it is not a good thing. 

30 things while 30 Update

Another update.....I need to do better :-)

1.Get a tattoo (I will not punk out!) Hair is on my neck now....tattoo will come soon

2.Get my passport (overseas trip is not in the budget YET....but working on it, at least I can get prepared) Have not even started...I think I will make this a project for June

3.Go on a date Been in a funk about this lately....long story, so the answer is no :-(

4.Complete 30 random acts of kindness to strangers A few things, given money away, helped random lady at drink machine. Donated some things randomly.....not really keeping track, this is more of a symbolic act.

5.Read 30 books that aren't the typical books that I enjoy I am up to 5, and have found some more I want to read :-) Actually thinking about purchasing a kindle.

6.Take a spontaneous road trip somewhere by myself, just wake up and go (I have to plan out everything....this is going to be hard) semi did----took a not so planned out trip to Atlanta couple of weeks ago. The fact that is was planned in like a week vs. the months I usually take, it is a step!

7.Go white water rafting I think I am going to aim for August for this, maybe if I set date goals easier to accomplish

8.Apply to Masters of Public Health Program (2 are on the radar) Still studying, car accident threw me off. But I have narrowed down schools and set a target date for enrolling :-)

9.Write letters to 30 people who have had an influence in my life and tell them why  Gave one letter away, finished 3 more but not given....the one letter given was very therapeutic
10.Run (not walk) a 5K walking again, thinking this summer I will be ago!

11.Walk the Music City Half Marathon (still praying on this one....Jesus give me strength!!!) renegotiating this one.....might find half marathon in another city.... I have failed so far on training.

12.Save X amount of money (figure will not be disclosed to everyone, but will tell if it is met or not) Still saving, had some unexpected expenses so we shall see....

13.Donate hair to Locks for Love (length is almost there!) COMPLETED!!!!

14.Lose at least 30 pounds (aiming for more....but sticking with the theme of 30) Lost 5 more pounds, been fluctuating since the holidays. Getting back at it now!
15.Purchase a Home (or be in the process...working on that now) making plans.....

16.Become a Research Coordinator (next step in my career...making moves!) Glitch in plan, but God is still good..... (all I can say)

17.Travel west of the Mississippi River (been to Arkansas and Missouri, but that is about it...but have been to all the states east of the Mississippi) Will be going to Houston in July, might take another trip by myself if time permits.

18.Purchase a big ticket item for my mother (have to see what she wants....I am thinking a REAL nice pair of earrings...this will be a surprise) Still thinking....

19.Clean out my wardrobe (closet full of clothes and shoes...don't wear half of them, shame!!!) Started, but bag is sitting by my front door...just need to drop off at Goodwill

20.Visit the graves of my father and sister (have not done since the funerals) Nope (punked out during the holidays....might take a day trip and do it one weekend)

21.Ask some tough questions of a family member (nothing bad....just unanswered questions) Still punking out...

22.Learn how to knit, love to crochet, every time I try knitting I get frustrated :-( Forgot about this one.....need to do some research on classes

23.Write the vision plan for the next big project in my life (can't tell you what it is...yet) Putting it into a scrapbook (one of my favorite hobbies)
24.Go to a concert in a big venue (don't do crowds of people well, which is limiting me from seeing Maxwell in July...not cool) Eric Roberson concert seated 1000 people does that count????

25.Have my first kiss (yes I said it....don't trip) Nope :-(
26.Create a signature vegan dish for me (I love to cook...want to create something that people who are skeptical about vegan and vegetarian dishes will enjoy) still experimenting

27.Complete a financial plan that will pay of my student loans before I die (I am so serious) Still working on it

28.Purchase a piece of artwork that will be handed down to my next generation nope

29.Learn to speak my mind with no fear of others (some people might think I already do this....if you only knew!!) Getting better at this ;-)

30.Most important thing to do in my year of 30..... HAVE FUN!!!! ALWAYS!!!!

I Have a Song

How does is feel to finally be free

I wonder will I ever know

Sometimes I dream of how that can be

To have a life that I own

Chorus:

When you look at me

what do you see

do you understand my story

all I want is love

For someone else to see

If you took the time I have a song

For so, so long I've been searching

For something that were probably not meant to find

But no matter how hard it gets no matter if the tears fall

Nothing should stop us from trying ohhh?

Chorus:

When you look at me

what do you see

do you understand my story

all I want is love

For someone else to see

If you took the time I have a song

4x

Think this is my theme song.......

My drafts....will I ever finish them???

This is a list of the blogs that I have in my draft folder.....I had forgotten about the posts. I mean some have writings in them, some just are thoughts that popped in my head that I never took the time to write on. I wonder if I will ever finish them up or write on them.

Any of the topics look interesting to you?

How do you read your blogs?

Recently I went out of town and did not take my laptop (this was a first) and had like 500 blogs to read when I got back home. I usually read my blogs in Google Reader which I think is a great way to keep up with your blogs.

A while ago I use to just read them in my blogger dashboard, but the more blogs I read the harder they became to keep up with.  Google Reader allows me to see which posts I have and have not read, search older posts, and star posts that I want to go back to easily.

Is there a specific reader to access the blogs you read?? Why do you like it?

Got to stop crying....

Over the past week I don't think I have done that much crying in my whole life....A little while ago I wrote a post on Letting Go and I said no matter the outcome I was going to be okay....well I have the outcome and I have had to process the outcome and I don't know how to take it in my life right now. In my mind I had two ways the situation could have gone....and it went neither way. Honestly, I don't know how to handle it or I am struggling to handle it. It is like I got 50% of each scenario that I expected. This actually could be a good thing if I handle the situation properly, but right now I am working through the pain. This is where all the tears and pain came from. What is scary a friend suggested I listen to the sermon from church yesterday and all I can say is I really don't want to because I would not hear it or process it right now....I have never been like this.

How can I let other people get to me like this??? I mean when processing some things with a friends I can finally admit that I really care too much and I wish that people cared back. Then he stated that people that people do care, but not the way you want them to, so I am like what is the point??? I mean if someone says that they love you, but their actions do not line up with their words is it really love? If I tell you what hurts me yet you continue to do it but insist that you love and care for me does that really make sense????

When I look at the people in my life from friends, family, acquaintances, and so on there are very few people that I can say truly care and love me....and even those don't show it in the best way.  One might say you choose to have these people in your life so you can let them go.....if it were only that simple.  These are people who have been there for me through the good and bad....people who are family by blood and by actions. I have to realize that no one is perfect and I can't expect them to be everything I expect them to be....but when they fail on the small things, it hurts.

The crying is stopping slowly, I hope I can get past this hurdle in relationships. We shall see....



Finishing

I have come to realize that I am not always good at finishing things. I start a project and get the majority of it done....then I get distracted. This is so not good. If you follow me you know that I am working on my 30 Things While 30 list and it is actually coming along....but not at the pace that I want too, not because of outside forces, but because of me. This is disheartening to me, because I need to get more motivated.

What made me realize this is one of my goals was to walk the half marathon in April....only way this is going to happen is by a miracle. I have been working out, but not the pace that I need to be to be ready by April. I still want to complete a half marathon while I am 30, but I am going to have to push it back.  I am going to expand more on my other blog....which I have so neglected :-(.

This being said I am determined to finish what I have started! It is a new year and I have been working on a new me and I will not let distractions and things stop me from doing what I have said I was going to do and what I am supposed to do......

Is there anything in your life that you have not finished that you wish you had?

Aren't I the same person????

Recently I was having a conversation with a male friend and he kept on saying that I need to "sexy" it up when I went to a concert....I was like I am going to look nice, but I am going to be comfortable. What was funny is I took part of his advice....but left the outfit on my bed and did not pack it.  I ended up wearing what I wanted to, fitted jeans and a nice top, with comfortable shoes (I knew I was going to be standing in line to get in).

After this convo and because of other various events that have been happening in my life I began to think about why I am still single and why so many people focus on the outward you without getting to know the inward you. What do I mean?

Well I am in the process of working out and losing weight. Recently I have learned that some of my weight gain is due to a medical condition. I have target goals for weight loss and the doctor is working with me on the condition so eventually I will lose the weight, but aren't I the same person?? Sometimes I wonder if someone who might approach me because I am a size 10-12 (I am being realistic.....) but never approached me when I was a size 18-20 even sees the problem with this? I mean I am healthy, no health problems because of my weight. I can walk up stairs, do a basic workout and live a healthy life, the only difference will be is my size. I am beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, funny, silly, and so many other things.....but most people do not take the time to notice because of my weight.

This is why I posed the question above. Agree with me or not, but I wonder how many people you pass by because of how they look or perceptions of them. I speak in terms of my weight, but how many people have you not gotten to know because they might not look the what you think they should look like.....

Just a thought....take as you will.

Several men have said (even my pastor....which irks me) that men are physical beings and they have to be attracted to you physically, that is fine, but if your significant other physical appearance changed due to something beyond their control does that give you the right to leave them? 

This Weekend

This weekend I had some me time. Which was great! I took a short trip down to Atlanta to see Eric Roberson live and I had a blast!!!! I caught up with some great friends and enjoyed myself. I really needed this in order to release some frustrations from the last couple of weeks.

If you have never seen Eric Roberson in person you are missing out. I will definitely be going to see him again if he is in the area....or even just a short road trip away.  I was so excited when he took to the stage.  Here is the only clip I can find of his performance....

Seeing him perform live made me even a bigger fan! 

Letting Go!

I think I have finally let go of something that has been bugging me for a while. By letting go I mean I am at peace about the situation. I mean whatever the outcome is I am okay with it.  Change is hard, but I know the changes I am making are for the better. I have to think about me and my mental and emotional health. Tired of giving and people taking without pouring back into me. 

Life should be enjoyed and it should be an experience that you take each day and learn something from it. I have learned a valuable lesson this past week.....

We shall see what happens, I know what I want to happen, but at peace if it does not happen. I have to focus on the positives and think about bettering me so I can help others.

Powerful Message

Hoped you watched this entire video. It has a very powerful message. I had heard the song before, but never would have thought this is the direction that the video would take.

Whatever your thoughts on homosexuality, this video has a very powerful message. No one deserves to be ostracized, beat up, and bullied over their sexuality, who they are, or anything else that they choose to do or be.

You never know what a person is going through and you never know how a person might internalize their feelings.

Tired of Asking

This morning....or this past week I started thinking about a lot of things that I want to do this year.  I had this debate with myself about inviting people to join and this is why....

A while ago I use to love doing things with other people. Loved going to the movies, going out to eat, and going to functions with others. But recently not so much. Why??? I get tired of inviting people to do things and they always come up with excuses or say no.  I am a strong believer in people do what they want to do and make time for what they want to make time for.

Maybe I expect too much out of people, but you make time for friends. I mean I kick it with people, I go out, and do things with others, but when I get the notion to do things I am very hesitant of inviting other people because 9 times out of 10 they are busy or they say no. Just had a friend say that they appreciate me after venting that people don't....but honestly they have a funny way of showing it.  I just feel that I get put to the back burner on so many occasions by so many people.

So this is why I do a lot of things by myself. I go to the movies by myself, I go shopping by myself, I even go to concerts by myself when I have the urge. Do I always want to...nope, but I can't take being told no or I don't have time over and over again by people who say they care about you.

Just my thoughts....

You are what you post

Yesterday I posted a status on facebook that stated:

#notsorandomthought Just because you follow me on facebook or twitter please do not assume you know a lot about me......if you want to know please just ask. #thatsall

A friend responded with "You are what you post." This got me to thinking. Are you really what you post? I mean I am pretty transparent, but I don't post everything about me and what is going on in my world. I do spend a lot of time on the computer because of my job. I will post some of the things I do and some of the random thoughts that pop up in my mind, but it is not all inclusive of who I am as a person.

I think my blog covers more of who am inside, but still I don't post everything that I do or think. I started my blog to write about things that I am not necessarily able to express to those close to me, but surprisingly more people I know are checking out my blog.....don't know if that is a good or bad thing. 
So do you think you are what you post? For my readers who are on facebook, twitter, blogger, and myspace (is anyone still on myspace?) do you think your posts say a lot about you expose people to all of you?