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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Why? Why? Why?

After my last blog post there have been a lot of things going on in my head and my heart....One big question is why?

1. Why do I feel this way?
2. Why is it hard for me to be completely open and honest?
3. Why don't people understand?
4. Why do I let YOU get to me like this?
5. Why am I so different?
6. Why? Why? Why?

One thing I realize when I blog I get things out, but when I get things out I have to deal with them. I have to deal with why I am still attracted to you. I have to deal with what I have to work on internally. I have to deal with what are you to me, I mean are we just friends? I don't just a lot of things I am not necessarily ready to deal with.

This evening was a rare evening when I had nothing to do, no work, no meetings, no activities, no errands to run. So what did I do? I came home and read and watched tv. I came home to "me time" and that left me to my thoughts and my feelings....not always good. My mind begins to drift off to the what ifs and the past and what will be the outcome in the future....seems harmless, but not really.

How do I process these things without becoming self destructive. One of my coping mechanisms is food which has led to me being way to big so I must stop. So I think now....When I have the desire to eat when I know I shouldn't be eating I will write a blog no matter how long or small, no matter how random or nonsensical it is, just write to get things out. What else can I do? I am going to have to continue to think on this.

Think this is it for now....random I know :-)