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Thursday, September 18, 2008

My Dad

I have been struggling to write this blog for some time now. I have had so many things on my mind and honestly it has taken me a while to figure out where to begin. This might be the most personal blog I have written because I am revealing things that I have revealed to no one. When I think about it I have not revealed them to anyone because no one really takes the time to listen. This blog is about...my dad. Wish I could put a pic of him up, but do not have any digital ones or recent pics that I can post.

My dad died a little over a year ago and I have never really talked to anyone about his death. People just assumed that I was ok about it, but honestly I still wrestle with it to this day. See my dad although I love him, he was a man with issues. When I look back over my life I knew he loved me, but he loved one thing more...liquor. As a child I think adults tried to shield this from me, until it got beyond shielding. The numerous rehabs, the losing of his job, the DUIs, and illnesses. As a child and even as an adult I use to think if he loved me he would let the liquor go...but it was not that simple. He was a great dad in his own way, but the last 10 years of his life the alcohol consumed him and pretty much led to his death.

Can I say me and my dad were on speaking terms...no. I remember the last time I saw him. July 1, 2007. I went to see my grandmother and he stumbled out the house. He looked a mess. He was shocked to see me and I was shocked to see him. He asked how I was doing and I did the same to him. We both said I love you and he went inside. I did not ever think that would be my last time seeing him. Before that we spoke rarely, only saw each other on holidays, and I only got updates on him when he was in the hospital or when I called relatives.

I always think about did he think about me? Did he really want to quit but couldn't? Why wouldn't he give up the alcohol for me? Did he even love me? These are just a few of the questions I had in my mind and sometimes they still go though my mind.

I did finally get a revelation about my dad. The man that was consumed by alcohol was not my dad, or at least the dad that I want to remember. My dad was a good man and tried his best. He accomplished so many things in his life although he only had a high school diploma. He was a loving father, he provided the best way he knew how, and he tried to be there for me. Although my dad died when I was 27, he was consumed by alcohol since I was 16, I still have 16 years worth of good (and bad...he was not perfect) memories. I loved my dad...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

3 comments:

Dione said...

Hi. I think you said it best... "He was a loving father, he provided the best way he knew how, and he tried to be there for me."
and somehow, that can offer a small bit of peace in your loss.

Marsha said...

I got to know your dad prior to my grandfather's illness and death (early 2000s). Needless to say, he was a very caring, funny, and informed man. Daily he would come to my grandparents house and sit on the porch and talk with my grandpa about the changes in the neighborhood, politics, and world news; conversations were always interesting. I am saddened that his illness did not allow him to be the father that you would have wanted, but we must remember that everything happens for a reason. All we can do is remember the good times that were shared. I do applaud you for opening up; writing is good for the soul.

Humbly Beautiful said...

Thanks Marsha! Your words truly blessed me. I know God has a reason for everything. I loved my dad and even in the end I knew he was all those things that you described, just hated to see him deteriorate the way he did.