Friendship

I don't have that many friends in life, but I am very thankful for the ones I have. They love me unconditionally and challenge me to be a better person.  We don't always agree and at times we don't get along, but we all know in the end we have love for each other and we want the best for each other. No matter distance or time when we catch up it reminds me why they are my friends!

Saturday Morning Muses: Happy but sad

One thing that I struggle with so often is balancing happiness and sadness. So often I when I am sad I still have to be happy for my friends, which I am.  But it hurts sometimes.....my pain should not overshadow the joys of my friends.  Still trying to figure out that balance :-/.

Day 4: Friends

I stole each picture from facebook (SHHHH!!!!)

My friends mean the world to me and I am forever thankful for each one of them.  Above are pictures of some of my dearest friends that put up with all of my ups and downs and love them all!!! (probably because they are just as crazy as I am, HA!!!) Just kidding.......or am I????  Will talk about them from left to right.....

Ashley: The picture is the most recent one I could fine (she does not do social media) We met in college, became close through church, she has been a sister, inspiration, and just a support since I have grown to love her.

Amanda: Met her a few years back and although we are complete opposites, she has taught me a lot and exposed me to things that I have been close minded to in the past. She was one of the motivators for me to get a tattoo!!!

Dorian: We have been friends since the days of band in high school. We do not talk as often, but when we do it is just like old times. She knows a lot of my ups and downs and we have had similar experiences and it is great to have someone to talk to that understands.

Eloise: Known her since I was SEVEN!!!! She is my sister from another mother....sometimes I think my mother likes her better, HA! She has been there for me and understands (at least I hope she does) by rants and ramblings. I am thankful she has been in my life and she is an inspiration!!!  Can you believe she is a MD??? I got smart friends!!!

Starling: We met freshman year of college and he is my brother!!! I can honestly say he is the only person that has seen me cry outside of family. He has been there throughout the years. We have had our moments, but he has always been there. He listens to my rants, samples my new recipes (although I think for selfish reasons), tries new restaurants with me when I get the urge.  He holds accountable and is a true support.

I guess this is a brief overview of why I am thankful for my friends. I love them all, but just highlighted a few!

Got to stop crying....

Over the past week I don't think I have done that much crying in my whole life....A little while ago I wrote a post on Letting Go and I said no matter the outcome I was going to be okay....well I have the outcome and I have had to process the outcome and I don't know how to take it in my life right now. In my mind I had two ways the situation could have gone....and it went neither way. Honestly, I don't know how to handle it or I am struggling to handle it. It is like I got 50% of each scenario that I expected. This actually could be a good thing if I handle the situation properly, but right now I am working through the pain. This is where all the tears and pain came from. What is scary a friend suggested I listen to the sermon from church yesterday and all I can say is I really don't want to because I would not hear it or process it right now....I have never been like this.

How can I let other people get to me like this??? I mean when processing some things with a friends I can finally admit that I really care too much and I wish that people cared back. Then he stated that people that people do care, but not the way you want them to, so I am like what is the point??? I mean if someone says that they love you, but their actions do not line up with their words is it really love? If I tell you what hurts me yet you continue to do it but insist that you love and care for me does that really make sense????

When I look at the people in my life from friends, family, acquaintances, and so on there are very few people that I can say truly care and love me....and even those don't show it in the best way.  One might say you choose to have these people in your life so you can let them go.....if it were only that simple.  These are people who have been there for me through the good and bad....people who are family by blood and by actions. I have to realize that no one is perfect and I can't expect them to be everything I expect them to be....but when they fail on the small things, it hurts.

The crying is stopping slowly, I hope I can get past this hurdle in relationships. We shall see....



Tired of Asking

This morning....or this past week I started thinking about a lot of things that I want to do this year.  I had this debate with myself about inviting people to join and this is why....

A while ago I use to love doing things with other people. Loved going to the movies, going out to eat, and going to functions with others. But recently not so much. Why??? I get tired of inviting people to do things and they always come up with excuses or say no.  I am a strong believer in people do what they want to do and make time for what they want to make time for.

Maybe I expect too much out of people, but you make time for friends. I mean I kick it with people, I go out, and do things with others, but when I get the notion to do things I am very hesitant of inviting other people because 9 times out of 10 they are busy or they say no. Just had a friend say that they appreciate me after venting that people don't....but honestly they have a funny way of showing it.  I just feel that I get put to the back burner on so many occasions by so many people.

So this is why I do a lot of things by myself. I go to the movies by myself, I go shopping by myself, I even go to concerts by myself when I have the urge. Do I always want to...nope, but I can't take being told no or I don't have time over and over again by people who say they care about you.

Just my thoughts....

When should you open up?

This morning I had a lot on my mind....I recently met up with an old friend that I had not seen in years. We had reconnected on facebook, but finally met up face to face which was totally unexpected. What was funny I never thought we would connect up again, but we did. 

As we talked and thought about what has been going on in each others lives he made a statement that really got me to thinking. I have heard the statement several times before, but when he said it I really got to thinking.  What he said was that I need to start opening up more....what was funny, it did not click in my head until after I had left and began to process the conversation. 

I realized it takes a lot for me to open up...but what gets me is everytime I open up someone lets me down, rather it be a family member or friend. So I think I have gotten to the point of not opening up at all for the most part. I mean why should I trust you with the big things in my life when you totally ignore or take for granted the little things in my life?

I have a friend who I love dearly who does not get this about me. The person is there for me when I need it and I know if I am ever in a tight spot they got my back...but the little things in my life and in our friendship are taken for granted by this person.

Just another venting blog....I guess I wrote just to get some thoughts out and pose the question in the title. When should a person open up? I know you should not tell everyone everything, but there has to be a balance....

Why are Certain People in Your Life???

Last night I had a great text convo with a very dear friend...thought it would lead to a phone convo, but it was accomplished in a series of texts.  I have asked him the same question several times over and over in our friendship and he always avoids the answer or ends the conversation....this time it was different.  He actually responded to my text and did not ignore question and I was completely shocked.

The reason I asked the question was because I have begun to re-evaluate various relationships (friendship, work, associates, and others) in my life and beginning to ask myself why I am in the relationship??? I mean why are people in your life? Are they in it for reason, season, or a lifetime?  What good are they bringing to the relationship? Are you bringing any good into the relationship?  These are several questions I have asked myself lately and honestly....I do not know the answer for most people in my life, which brings me to my ultimate question...Why are they in my life?

Why do people stay in your life that do you more good than harm? I am realizing, or better yet accepting the fact that it is time to let some people go.  I have a handful of friends in my life that I can count on and no matter what I know they have my back. We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but in the end....I love them and they love me and we have each other's best interest in mind.  Sometimes the people that you have to let go have done nothing wrong, but their season is up and I am learning to accept that.  I can't force people to understand, I can only move on and do what is best for me and my life.

Time to make changes in my life, time for me to be stop being complacent and silent. 

He Loves Me....He Loves Me Not???

Why can't I get him out my head? I mean I love him, but what type of love that is I am really not sure about. I mean I know he loves me, but does he love me in that way? If he were able to tell me he loves me, would I be able to tell him I love him in that way too? I sometimes feel that I am delusional.

I see him as a friend, a brother, someone I can depend on. But when so many people assume that we will end up together it makes you think. I think sometimes I succumb to people ideas in my head and I begin to wonder. Are my thoughts that we can be more than friends because people assume that our friendship is more than what it is? I have become a person who never says never, and I am learning to expect anything. He is my boy, my friend, my brother, he knows almost as much as my best friend knows about me, but why?

I ask myself why are we friends frequently. I ask why do we continue to remain friends even though we live in different circles. But when we kick it as friends it is all good. Is it my imagination? Am I holding on to a friendship that needs to be let go? He loves me and will do anything for me, but is this out of history or love? Does he feel obligated to be there for me, because I count on him when times are hard? I wonder if he was a female would our friendship be the way it is?

I really just needed to vent these thoughts in my head. I honestly do not know the answer to any of the questions that I pose. I just wanted to get them out of my head, because I can not express them to others right now. I almost deleted post, because I thought someone I know might read it, but honestly...I doubt it, and if they do, oh well.