Saturday, June 7, 2008

The Struggle

This past week I have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions. I mean so many good things have happened to me this past week and I am thankful for them, many other feelings and emotions have surfaced and right now I do not know how to handle them. I want to talk to someone, but I can't. I want to be able to express so many things about how I am feeling, but no one to do so with. Life can be interesting and honestly my life surprises me day by day. I want to be able to tell people how I really feel, but I can't. I have such a fear of judgement, shock, disappointment, rejection, and hate. At this point in my life I can't take any of the above...

Last night I was reading the Bible and the scripture I was reading was Romans 7. Sometimes I have to go back to this because this is where I am a lot in my life. I mean how can I do what is wrong when I am trying to do right? How do I have this daily struggle to practice self discipline, but yet fall short in so many areas? I don't want to do what I do, but I continue to fall into the same trap? How does this cycle end? How do I stop beating myself up?

I think a lot of times I am worried about the opinions of others and that controls my actions, but I know I shouldn't. I need to be free to be me and express myself however I want. I think a lot of my actions are in response to what others expect of me? I know I shouldn't but I have made it habit.

Then I think about my they really know me or do they know the person I have created for them to know? Will they love me if they knew the whole truth? Will they accept me for me and not this person I have created? Will they hate me for lying to them for so long? I question how can I call them my friends when they don't see how much I am hurting inside?

I want to cry and let it all out, but I can't. The struggle I have within is becoming to hard to keep within, but I don't know if it could ever be let out....