Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Four Fs


What are these? My focus in 2014. Last night I was working with the kids I mentor on vision boards and everything I have been thinking about during my Facebook break came together. Thank you God!!! These are 4 areas of my life that I want to target this year..... aggressively. Every year people, I, make goals or resolutions and every year I accomplish some and fail at others. This year I want to be more intentional about what is to come.

How am I going to do this? Good question...... One thing I that I sometimes have issues with is following through things that are hard for me. Easy things? I got this, but things that I struggle with, I say I am going to change, I start out great.....hit a road block and I am done. But I realize I need to make some major changes in my life. So each area listed above has to have a realistic plan.

This past year my faith has been on struggle. Why? I honestly don't know completely. Growing up in church faith was always apart of my life, but did I understand it? No.....I did what I was told, what was fun, and it became a habit for me. Through college I grew in my faith and began to understand things for me....not what my elders told me. Imagine being a college student almost failing out, losing scholarships and grants, parents divorce, mother gets breast cancer, sister dies (amongst 4 other close relatives), and father goes down a spiral of alcoholism that eventually lead to his death.....but I always had a mentality of but God!! My faith back then was the only stable thing in my life back then. So why is my faith shaky now? Still processing that. I question....a lot, it is my nature. I want to know why!!!!! Things have to make sense to me and right now.....there is a lot in my life that doesn't make sense.

So.....this year my goal is to study more of why do I believe what I believe. Read the Bible more and have more quiet time. If I only read a chapter in the Bible a's a start. Also read more books explaining Christianity and what it means to be a Christian. Books to help me walk in my faith, just not talk about it, be about it. I also want to study other religions, I believe in God, but I think you can learn a lot from understanding what other people believe in. 

I am fat....yeah I said it. I am actually obese. It is what it is. My last doctor's appointment was not great at all. No health problems, but the weight is the worst it has ever been. I admit I can be an emotional eater and learning to stop doing this, but it takes time. I also realize I don't workout regularly. This must change. I have to lose weight.....lots of it over time (didn't gain it overnight, won't lose it overnight)

My plan......I have to be more intentional on eating and exercise. I think I am going back to cutting out meat.....think this is when the weight loss sky rocketed, when I fell back in love with bacon. I also have to cut out fast food, now that I am not working as much this will be easier to accomplish. Green smoothies are great and I like! Just need to continue to get creative with them so I don't get bored. Next the church is having an event called ChurchFit and I am hoping it helps give me a kick start. I have targeted 3 workout classes that actually fit into my schedule and I am excited about them!! I also want to aim for the Women's half marathon in September. I love to walk and I just have to focus and dedicate to training.....this cold weather keeps getting in the way. I think when I do these things I will see progress. For 2014 my goal is to lose 75 pounds. One pound at a time.

Another struggle for me......Coupled with ridiculous student loans and having problems sticking to a budget I need to make changes. Last year I paid off a lot of stupid debt and I hope to get all stupid debt paid off by March. So this year is going to be a year of savings. I am learning to pay cash for everything and not charging anything. I am admitting to myself I don't NEED the latest gadget or item I see. I am determined to put away a certain percentage of my check each month in an account that is not easily accessible. That way I can't just electronically transfer money when I want to splurge. I am also going to try real hard not to eat out at know how much money I waste eating out? I want to be a better steward of my money one day at a time.

What does the future hold for me? I honestly don't know. What do I see in my future.....a variety of things. I want career growth, but right now I don't know what that end goal or ultimate job will be, but I do have some things in the work that I hope I can report on soon. I love what I do, but I don't want to do it forever. I need a new challenge (and more money.....just being honest). I want a family? But what does that look like? Good question.....each year I set and hope that my relationship status will change (been the same for a long whole life) but each year it doesn't. How do I change that? If you can answer that......please let me know. But, I realize I want a family in my future. I want children and I want someone to share that with. So......first step is going out on a date (don't think this goal is ever going to change until it actually happens). So as I was creating my vision board I came across an article that had the phrase "dating outside the box" which is something I am going to try.....hopefully. What I do know about my future is that is bright and 2014 I think is the beginning of a brighter future for me.

The Journey
It is going to be long and hard, but I think it is worth it. I will blog about successes and failures here.....I hope I will be transparent and learn from this journey. In the end I just want to be a better me.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Insight into my random thoughts

Well....trying real hard to get back to blogging here and it looks like I am succeeding. For those who have not been following me or who have just stumbled across this blog, for the past almost a year I have been doing a Random Thoughts blog.  Check it out if you like.  Each day I write random thoughts for the day. For example, since today is the 22nd I wrote 22 random thoughts? This can be easy and hard some days. It gets harder when I get to the end of the month, imagine putting down 31 random thoughts??? Now all of the thoughts are not completely random, but they are my thoughts. Some are funny, some are cryptic, some are just blurts that come in my mind.

Here are a link to some of my favorites or most viewed thoughts.

Post Scandal Edition
Chest Pains are Never Good 
Thoughts While Waiting till Marriage
Things I have learned from 2 Chainz
The Yonce Did That!!!!!

Also, here is an example of the thoughts from case you don't go over to the original blog

1. Becoming more open
2. My love for you will it ever end?
3. Do you know that you are racist?
4. Pizza for breakfast is always good
5. I get that you want to change me but you can't
6. Should have sent to Starbucks
7. No good music has come out in a while
8. How well do you trust me?
9. I can make you smile
10. Looking forward to a day off
11. What did we so before smart phones?
12. Can I give up meat again
13. Facebook/twitter break is much needed
14. Going to make this a great day
15. Only you can prevent forest fires
16. Look for someone who challenges you intellectually
17. We will just agree to disagree
18. Liking that I am slowly getting back to my original blog
19. Jake from State Farm.....he sounds hideous
20. I will not get sick!!! 
21. Yes, I originally forgot #21
22. Big girls need love too

As you can say I am very random.....but they are my thoughts. They have been therapeutic, entertaining, and fun to do. Still deciding if I will continue to do them past a year....I committed to a year which is almost here.
So hope you enjoy and read!!!!
Back to our regularly scheduled program


What makes you attracted to someone? Is it their looks? Their personality? How they treat you? I think there is a lot that goes into attraction.

Recently a friend questioned me and who I was attracted to which I find odd because she is always talking about her struggle with people not accepting who she is attracted to or judging her for it. But when she questioned my thoughts I really began to think about what attracts me to a person......

What do I find attractive? I love a smile, great convo, the ability to listen and understand. A person who can get past the introvert I sometimes can become and get me to be completely honest and free. I think it as hella attractive for someone to be silly yet serious, fun, but knows how to get down to business. 

When I truly think about what attracts me to a is honestly not about looks. I have to be able to look at you, but when I think back to the people I have been most attracted to in my life.....looks played a very small role.

Grant it I can say I love a person's eyes, their lips, their hair or lack there of (I do love a bald head), a person's hands, I could keep going, but to me.....that does not make the person. Like I said I have to be able to look at you, but rather you are big or small, tall, or short, missing a tooth or even an eye? To me those are superficial.

I look back to the people I have been most attracted to (some are present attractions) it is their ability to listen, to make me laugh, get me when no one else does, a person who has intelligence and wisdom, the ability to just be unapologetically themselves. To me......that is a big turn on. 

One thing that people laugh at when I say this is.....I can be attracted to you and find you attractive......but I don't want to be with you. Why is that? This especially goes for people that I physically find attractive. I realize attraction is not the key to a successful relationship or companionship because when they attraction becomes cold what do you do? How do you get through those times? 

Below is a pic of some people that I am attracted to, some are pure physical some are more than physical. Now all are famous, but each possesses qualities that I find very attractive.....

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Why? Why? Why?

After my last blog post there have been a lot of things going on in my head and my heart....One big question is why?

1. Why do I feel this way?
2. Why is it hard for me to be completely open and honest?
3. Why don't people understand?
4. Why do I let YOU get to me like this?
5. Why am I so different?
6. Why? Why? Why?

One thing I realize when I blog I get things out, but when I get things out I have to deal with them. I have to deal with why I am still attracted to you. I have to deal with what I have to work on internally. I have to deal with what are you to me, I mean are we just friends? I don't just a lot of things I am not necessarily ready to deal with.

This evening was a rare evening when I had nothing to do, no work, no meetings, no activities, no errands to run. So what did I do? I came home and read and watched tv. I came home to "me time" and that left me to my thoughts and my feelings....not always good. My mind begins to drift off to the what ifs and the past and what will be the outcome in the future....seems harmless, but not really.

How do I process these things without becoming self destructive. One of my coping mechanisms is food which has led to me being way to big so I must stop. So I think now....When I have the desire to eat when I know I shouldn't be eating I will write a blog no matter how long or small, no matter how random or nonsensical it is, just write to get things out. What else can I do? I am going to have to continue to think on this.

Think this is it for now....random I know :-)

Monday, January 13, 2014

Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Friday, January 3, 2014

Needed to vent

I was really about to have a venting session on twitter today.....then I realized I have added a few people that don't want to share my vents with.

I am working on positive thinking, making the best out of every situation, and blah blah blah.....but right now I am truly having a moment.

Why? A question I ask to often and still don't know the answer. Life is interesting and full of surprises and some of my recent ones......not sure how to take them.

I still blog, more on my random thoughts blog, but hoping to get back into this one soon. We shall see......

Hope everyone is doing well and hope 2014 is a good one