Purpose

So are you walking in purpose? Do you know what your purpose is? I have been asking myself these questions a lot lately. Why? Because I have hit a roadblock.....good or bad, I am in a funk. Will things change? Will I realize that yes I am in purpose and God never said purpose would be easy and I must press on! We shall see....

This morning I work up thinking...contemplating several things. Yesterday I found out two men that I have played a part in my life have been put in hospice.  I knew both were ill, but to hear the news....just got to me.  It made me think about life, love, death. How we each process so much in this journey we all are on.  Just thoughts, hard to put in words....one day.

Blessed

Meant to write last night, but.....sleep was calling my name. One of my favorite sayings is "words mean things." I think I first heard it on my favorite podcast, The Read, stated by Crissle. It stuck out to me for so many reasons and I often use this phrase in life.

So yesterday I was thinking about the word blessed. I think it is often used in church and in life, so I looked up the definition and some definitions are as follows:

1. Held in reverence
2. Honored in worship
3. Of or enjoying happiness 
4. Bringing pleasure, contentment, or good fortune

I often say that I am blessed, but do I mean it? Do I just say it to convince myself or do I really mean it? We often say things out of habit and because they sound good, but do I really think that I am blessed???

Yes I do think I am blessed! When I think over my life and opportunities that I have had I truly am blessed. I have had hard times in life, but overall when I think about my life....I am blessed. We often take things for granted in life, and assume things that we receive or have are things we are owed or a given...they are not. So when I think about that I truly realize that I am truly blessed.  

Today (well should have been yesterday) is the start of a series....I will explain at the end, but for now...enjoy the ride!

Saturday Morning Muses: questions

I missed last week :-( so I have put a reminder on my calendar....I need this

Yesterday I was browsing instagram and came across a picture which once again caused me to ask why me? What did I do wrong? Sometimes you can have so much confidence in yourself, but the littlest things make you question so much.

Life comes at you sometimes and you think about how things will be, how could the past be different, what is happening in the present.  I am a questioner, I question a lot period, but when life is not going how you think it should???? So many questions.....

Maybe this mood will pass, I hope it is a learning experience.

It has been a while

This morning I got up and was really like I truly have not blogged in a while. Not on any of my blogs. I began to think about why I started blogging in the first place and wondering if I should continue.....the answer to that is yes.

Think this blog over the years has been a safe place for me. No judgment, not rules, just a space for me to get out thoughts. Right now, good or bad, that is really what I need to do.  I need to step away from this "life" I have created and just get back to what makes me think, what makes me happy, what makes me feel free.  I might not always make sense on here, but it helps, it makes sense to me.

Writing in a space where people don't really know you who read what you write because they stumble across your blog or just find what you say interesting is good for me.  Hopefully someone who reads what I write might find something good for them too.


Life is taking an interesting turn I would say and I honestly don't know which direction I will go in.  What I do know it is time for me to just do me. Fuck what others think and just live. Easier said than done, but it is a goal.....I can only be me, take it or leave it.

That topic...

I thought about what I would write all week. I know the topic I should write about, but I don't know if I am redraft yet. Although very few people read my blog (if any) not sure if I am ready to share.

Ever think about the life you live? Is it you or are you living to please others? Are you being your true authentic self? These are questions I have been toying with for a while now. Don't have the answers and don't know where this train of thought will lead me. What I do know is that it is scary.

The topic.....it is in draft and maybe one day I will have the courage to write, but for this day even starting post is a step, small step, but a step.

Unlovable?

Having a rough week and the thought "am I lovable?" has crossed my mind several times and it is scary. I often wonder if someone will ever love me? Take me for me?

Don't know if this feeling will go away, but right now it is constant. Wish I could write more, wish I could verbalized more how this post came to be, but right now......I can't 

Life

So much on my mind......Next month I will be 35 and honestly not looking forward to it. The one thing I want I am tired of wanting and it is becoming frustrating. Something I cannot control, something I cannot make happen. Hurts......can't lie and say it doesn't trying to finish up my 35 while 35 list but I have come to a block and don't know if I can move past it. 

As I write this post I think on the fact that I am blessed and question why I let the little things get to me and how I am focusing on one thing I don't have, but attempting to remind myself of all the things I do have and it is hard to do. It is easy to say just deal.....well tired of dealing and settling or just being complacent. 

Don't know if things will change, but just needed to let this out.

 New hair color.......and actually smiling. All I got for now.

Trying hard......

At work and had some time and just wanted to update the blog. In a perfect world I would write more consistently.....not happening like I want.  I am getting there. Taking things one day at a time. My focus these days is weight loss and getting my life together. Hopefully I will have an update soon. :-) Below is a picture of some of my weight loss journey....40 pounds down and only ??? to go! we shall see!!

2014 is coming to an end....

Remember me??? I am still alive and trying to be better about this blogging thing.....let's see how this goes. Back in the beginning of last year I wrote a blog called The Four Fs which broke down my vision and things I wanted to work on in 2014 and this weekend I will be attending a gathering to see how my vision board went. So in preparation I decided to look back on more Four Fs and see what I have done.

Faith

Fitness

Finances

Future

Faith

Well...this didn't go as plan. Maybe because I attempted to read more and study more I hit road blocks. I do believe my faith has grown, but I didn't read as much as I planned. I did take time out at least once a week to study scripture outside of what I got while at church and I did read a couple of books to help strengthen my faith. I also started following several blogs that help me have more of an educated faith. I also failed in the studying of other religions part of my goals, so this will be carried on till next year.

Fitness

Fitness went ok, but the end of the year was an epic fail, well not epic, but not great. Through my church's churchfit program I lost about 40 pounds.....but because I am an emotional eater I gained 20 pounds of that back :-( But what has been a plus is a friend who added me to a group on facebook and the group is a motivator. I am working on what I eat and working on working out more consistently, even in the cold weather. So this year was not a total loss, but not as great as I wanted it to be.  But I will say, that my clothes are getting looser so I am excited!!!

Finances

Finances I can say went in a positive direction. I received a promotion at my job that allowed me to not have to work 2 jobs which is a blessing, but I held on to the part time job working it PRN for extra money and to help save.  I have begun to stick to a budget, pay of stupid debt, and build up my savings. I am not ballin yet, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!! I have learned from my past mistakes and I am thinking more long term than short term gratification. Now I still make mistakes, but not as many and I am still improving. One step at a time.....

Future

Now comes my future.....What is my future? That is still developing and looking over this past year I think I have done several things to help me in grow into what my future is becoming.....I have experienced career growth, I am actually a supervisor now! There is someone in my life right now and I am seeing where this is going.....not saying I am heading toward a family, but I am trying "dating outside the box." Am I happier? Not really sure, these past couple of months have been interesting for me and challenging, but what  I do know is it has helped me grow which I am enjoying. Life is not always perfect or what you expect, but I do know God has a plan and I am seeing where this is going to take me.....

The Journey

The Journey has been interesting and I realize this upcoming year I will be 35!!! (shhh! don't tell anyone) I have begun to think about I will continue to accomplish and continue to do to grow and learn. So we shall see where this takes me.  When I was 30 I did a "30 while 30 list" which I think I might do the same while I am 35.  But, the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that my life my not look like others I and I might not be taking the same paths as others, but this is my life and I am living it and making my mark in this world. I am and will continue to enjoy the journey!!!

Pic from 2nd vision board I did last year. Had a blast

Recent picture of me, I always have to remember to smile!!!

Emotions

Emotions are not always easy to control. I sit at home thinking about the events over the past few weeks and I am really asking myself how could I have handled it better? One thing about me is that when I want something I want it. Not spoiled, but when I REALLY want something if I don't get it......not good.

This past few weeks a friendship has been forever changed, a person that I truly had feelings for just dismissed what we had at one time had, and now a part of my life is in limbo (will write more once the limbo is over), but with all of this I have finally looked at how I have or how I am dealing with all of this. I often wear my emotions on my sleeve which is weird for person who can't cry in front of other people. Looking over my actions these past couple of weeks.......I have been a bitch, I can admit.

Now as I deal with all of this going foward, how will I choose to act? I honestly don't know.  I do know whatever the outcome is I do know that I will be alright, life goes on, I a still have worth, and I am still amazing!!! I am going to try hard not to take the emotions I have going on inside out on other people and I will continue to try to be the best person I can.

Recently I cam across a quote that exemplifies exactly how I feel most days......

"I am a master of my spoken words and slave to those which remain unspoken"

My thoughts right now....

“Sometimes you can’t explain what you see in a person. It’s just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.”

Each day on facebook I try to post a quote that means something to me or to inspire and/or just make people think. This was today's quote.  Why did I pick this one? I have been asking myself what did or what do I see in a certain person? Why no matter what they do I can't let them go?

Who you are attracted to or what you see in a person can be such a mystery to the outside person, but to you it makes PERFECT sense. It could be the way they talk, the way they make you feel, the memories you share together, or how they treat you.  Question or issue for me is how do you let that person go when in the big scheme of things they cause you more harm than good :-(

Don't know how this is going end up, but we shall see....

Sidenote.....

Trying to blog more, too much going on in my head right now. Maybe soon I won't be afraid to post, but until then, they sit in my drafts. 

Current pic, I always need to remember to smile :-)

Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Needed to vent

I was really about to have a venting session on twitter today.....then I realized I have added a few people that don't want to share my vents with.

I am working on positive thinking, making the best out of every situation, and blah blah blah.....but right now I am truly having a moment.

Why? A question I ask to often and still don't know the answer. Life is interesting and full of surprises and some of my recent ones......not sure how to take them.

I still blog, more on my random thoughts blog, but hoping to get back into this one soon. We shall see......

Hope everyone is doing well and hope 2014 is a good one

Why can't I post like I use to here???

Wish I could get more into updating this blog.....

My random thoughts blog is still going and I do enjoy posting everyday, although, my last couple of post have had technical difficulties, but they finally posted.  I really do miss my random posts here, and the consistency of how I use to post. This was my first....sometimes I go back and read old posts and think about where I was at the time in my life.

My life has changed so much in the last few years, I honestly look back at my past and it is a blur sometimes. I am thankful for what my past has taught me and I hope I continue to take what I have learned and use it to help me grow.  One thing I do know that I am definitely not the same person I use to be and I do think it is for the better.

There is a song that I am not what I ought to be, but thank God I am not what I use to be.....those words could not be so truer in my life right now.  After I few hard convos with some close friends I am learning so much about myself, how I view myself, and how others view me.  It is easy to say screw how others view you....but it is not that easy. I am me unapologetically, but I do think people should take the time to say hey, if 99 out of 100 people look at me and think I am a bitch....what am I portraying to these people? You get it?

I think this is all I can write for now.....started this blog yesterday, but got busy at work. Maybe I can commit to writing at least one post here a month to start.....We shall see

BUT......

If you still want to follow me and some of the things that are going on in my world and my mind check out my new blog

Very Random Thoughts of Me

I promise you will enjoy my randomness, my thoughts, and a piece of me I like to share with the world.

Hope everyone is doing well!!!

recent pic of me! skin is on struggle these days, but slowly getting better :-)

Social Media Detox

For those who follow me on my Random Thoughts blog you know that I am on a social media detox until my birthday......this is interesting and I am only on day 4.  I am doing it to first see if I can stay off of facebook, twitter, & instagram and also to focus on some other things going on in my life.

Although, I post at most 1-2 times a day on facebook I am realizing how much time I spend chatting, surfing, and just looking at what other people post. The first day I was on my detox I realized my morning routine consists of waking up checking my phone for what time it is and then to see if I have any alerts.  That is sad......Twitter is a bigger addiction. I would check all during the day for funny things that people post or articles or news stories about things that interest me. I never knew how much time I spent on social media sites.

Now I have begun to think about what will I do after the detox....will I go back to my usual browsing of twitter, fb, and instagram every spare moment I have? Will I not use it as much? I honestly do not know. I see now how much these sites have become so much a part of our lives. I mean I cannot have your phone number but fb message you as if we were texting.  I have several friends who plan outings and gatherings via facebook that I might miss will on my detox.


No matter what will happen after the detox I have learned more about the good and bad of the sites and will continue to use them in same way or form for a while.

recent pic of me after getting my hair done for first time in years! She actually cut a lot of it off!

That person that gets you.....but doesn't

Do you ever have that person in your life that you feel comfortable telling everything and truly understands you.....but doesn't get you?  I have a person like that in my life. I finally made the decision that the negatives outweight the positives and decided to just let go because obviously I was not important to them.

Well.....it is not so easy. I still care and I really want to ask the person why? Why do you keep doing what I say irks me, why do you keep doing the one thing that  I hate!!!!! I have to let go, I have to stope letting you get to me this. What is crazy....for a perston that gets me.....you don't

Days 14-19: Several things......

This blogging daily is not going as planned.....

I got sick, took a few days off from work to get better and just was in a funk.   But.....Just because I was in a funk does not mean I did not have things to be thankful for.

One of my favorite quotes is....When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!!!!! Makes me smile every time I say it :-)

But seriously.....when I started off on this task to blog about things I am thankful for my goal was to truly focus on the positives I have in life, but in this experience a lot of the negatives have reared their ugly head :-/

Well 6 days have gone by since my last blog of thankfulness.....so what have I been thankful for????

Thankful for the times when my hair does what it is supposed to do.....might not last long, but I do get a pic in here and there.

My smile....one thing I TRY real hard to keep on doing....not always the easiest, but sometimes when you just smile it makes you feel better.

For getting to see Melissa Harris Perry speak in person....she was AWESOME!!!!! Not the best pic in the world, but what she said....confirmation on my next moves :-)

This cd is coming out in less than a month......SUPER DUPER EXCITED!!!! For those who know me......Love the music of all these men!!!

Do you see this hair???? Love it!!!! Now I am not bold enough to do the style....but the color is giving my life!!! Will this be my next move???? We shall see.... Glad this pic gives me inspiration!

For receiving this text.....reminds me of a happier time in my life......it was time of questioning a lot, but the person who sent it to me will always have a place in my heart.


Well.....those are just a few things that I have been thankful for.  Although I am not posting everyday, I promise that when I do post I will post things I have been thankful for over the time I have been absent. 

I am in a weird place in my life right now....questioning, wondering, longing......I do not know the answers, and honestly do not know if I am meant to know the answers, but what I do know is that I am still standing, I am still progressing.  Learning each day and growing each day.......

Day 3: My Hometown of Memphis, TN

This blog will be short....typing from my iPhone. Thankful for being born and raised in Memphis, TN. It molded and shaped me into the person I am today.

Memphis was and is a great place and until I left the city I didn't realize the experiences and people I was able to be influenced by growing up.

40 Days of Thankfulness

Inspired by my best friend and a way of working on two things that I need to get better at.....blogging consistently and being thankful. I have decided to write a blog each of the next day for something I am thankful for.

I know a lot of people who give up things for lent, but this way I am adding something during this time. Something to remind me of everything that I have to be thankful for. The posts will be in no particular order, but just various things that I am truly thankful for. Some things will be serious, some light hearted, some might down right stupid.....but they will ALL be things I am thankful for.

I am excited about this task, and I do hope I follow through. I hope if you take time to read you might decide to do the same thing or just stop to think about what you are thankful for. So many times we focus on what we don't have or the tragedies in life, but we neglect to think about all that we do have and the happy moments in life. 

Also, I know the followers of this blog probably are like she really does not blog like she use to, I have noticed, and have said time and time again I was going to do better....each time I fail. I have let other people, work, and just the little things get in the way of something that I enjoy, something that helps me get out things that I can't always get out to people.....it was funny is recently I was having a meltdown moment with one of my guy friends and he suggested that I blog.....I was like I already do that (Not many of my person friends know about my blog and if they do they rarely read it). So to process a lot that is going in my mind and my hear right now blogging will be a great place to get those things out.....

Enjoy the ride!!!!!