The Struggle Within

Within me there is a constant struggle to do what is right. I mean it is a struggle that goes against everything that I have been taught and I have been fed my whole life. Have I lived my life a lie? Have I become what others want me to be just to get by in life?? I know I have issues, we all do, but will I be able to come. My father died still dealing with his, I don't want this to happen to me. I want to be able to conquer this. I mean why do I have to learn the hard way? I mean I knew I should not have introduced it into my spirit, but it is there now and I am having the hardest time letting go. A friend made a statement yesterday, or rather an action, and it made it even worse. She meant to do me no harm, but it did. She does not realize how I internalize statements like that. Is this a phase I am going through??? I honestly don't know, but I am constantly asking my self why, why, why. I mean it should be simple to just stop thinking about it, but I can't, I can't. If I could I would, but I can't. Life is so interesting. This struggle within is consuming my thoughts, my mind, and my soul. Can I let it go, or will it always be a part of me?

Does the end justify the means?

Last night I was watching the conclusion of Hip Hop versus America on BET (been trying to catch it since it aired) and it brought up the topic of video "models." There were so many topics that spun out of this dialogue, but this one stuck out to me. They had Melyssa Ford, a video "model," TI, Nelly, Andre Crouch, and Michael Eric Dyson. All of them made very interesting points. Ms. Ford stated she just did videos for extra money while she was in school and to pursue her education. Is this ok? Can you degrade yourself for a dollar now and expect the world to except you as the next great leader of tomorrow?? When the pictures or videos of you come up when you are running for mayor of Atlanta or interview to become the CEO of a major corporation will they understand that you just did that to get yourself through college? Is it alright for the drug dealer to sale drugs to support his education or support his family? Does his end justify his means? A friend on facebook posted an article about a teacher having her children do an assignment advertising the pros of slavery and we were like are you serious? Is the mighty dollar the driving force behind what we do even if it gets rid of our standards? The rappers even glorify sex, drugs, and money, but say it is okay as long as they are giving back to the community in the spare time. It is ok for a community center or non-profit to except the one million dollar donation from Nelly or TI, eventhough a lot of their videos and lyrics are promoting what they are trying to combat in today's youth in their center?

I do not think the end always justify the means. One of my own personal thoughts is that sometimes you have to work harder to get where others have got, is it fair, no, but life is not fair. I might have to work 12 hours to get the same pay as a person who works 10 hours. It might take me 10 years to graduate from college flipping burgers at McDonalds when it only takes the stripper 4, just because she makes her money faster. Might take me 10 years to save a million dollars working as a social worker, when it take the financial analyst 5, but I get to go home at night and rest because I know I am in my purpose and I am not stressed. These are just a few broad examples. People really need to think about is it really worth it?

My point in saying all this is to just think about why we do what we do? Is it ok to sell our morals and souls out just to meet an end, then say I had to do it to get to where I am? I started talking about video "models" and rappers, but it is not only in that line of work. Is your main goal on your job the dollar and to get it by any means? Just my thoughts and vents.

Shake the Haters Off!!!

I got this inspiration from what I found out to be a slogan of the newly reelected mayor of the GREAT city of Memphis. I will not get into my view on Memphis politics today, because that can be a lonnnnnnnnng blog, but I digress. The word "hater" has been coming up a lot lately in a lot of people's mouths and honestly I am tired of it. I understand that "haters" will be out there, but why are we so focused on them??? I mean is your soul goal in life to get haters? If I am doing well that is by the grace of God, but my complete motivation for doing well should not be prompted by those that hate. I would say even in the church the word haters is becoming a common theme when people talking about their blessings and what God is doing in their life...I am going to be blunt, How can I hate on your when you are flipping burgers at McDonald's and riding the bus????(simple example, don't think too deep, but you get the picture). I am just being real, because most of the people who get to shouting on the the term "haters" at church have the quality I just stated. Then they view haters in a materialistic way, which is another subject in itself. Why are we worried about the people who become so called jealous of what we have in life and what we are doing?? I am not saying that the haters do not exist, but the emphasis on them in society has become crazy.

Then I get to the point of why do people hate. What is the point? I am a believer in what is mine is mine and what yours is yours(not getting to the point of sharing and helping others). Just like you got it I can get it, I might have to work harder and it might take longer, but I can get it...if it is meant for me. Life is too short and there are so many more things that we as human beings should focus on. It is not to say a person has a moment of jealousy, we are human, it happens, but to continuous jealousy over something you can not control does not make sense.

Can you Force Morality???

This is a topic that I have been thinking about a lot. Can one force a person to have moral values?? Can we legalize a person's morals? I looked up the definition of morals and the dictionary stated that morals as relating to the principles of right and wrong behavior. Can what a person think is right and wrong be relative. I actually heard the statement of a porn star on television and she stated "that she has very high morals and there are certain things she would not do...." I think this prompted me to think about this topic even more. I am a believer in not forcing my faith and my beliefs on anyone and my faith and beliefs are what I consider my way of determining what is right and wrong. So in a sense if I don't force my faith on anyone I should not force my view of morals on someone? But I am not saying that we should just allow people to run around and do whatever. I am just posing some questions that I have in my head, not to say that I have formulated a complete answer. When I write I just attempt to get some things off my chest that I have been thinking about lately.

Being a social worker working with people from all backgrounds and causes me to look at situations differently by attempting to be nonjudgmental with people and meeting them where their need us. In saying this in our society who defines morality and why has it in my opinion become so "out there?" Has the fact the people have skewed morals so much caused society to take a turn for the worse? If we force morality by law is that going to help or make things worse? These are just some of the the questions and things I have been thinking about lately and just wanted to get other people's opinions.

Growth and Change

In the past few months a lot has been going on in my life. I am beginning to question so many things that I have been taught and believe. I am becoming a person who is understanding more and more about how she feels and what she wants to become. I am realizing through out my whole life I have been a person who has lived my life for other people and not myself....that is so not good. I am currently in a process of rediscovering the true me and living my life for what makes me happy and what makes me have joy. What is sad a lot of the things I have been questioning goes against the norm and what I have been taught. If my friends knew what I was thinking or contemplating doing they would be shocked. Not that it is good or bad, but it is not the norm for what they see in me.

When I realized I was not happy with who I was becoming I had to make a change, but for me change is hard and change hurts. Change means to me that you are embarking on something new, changing what you are use to and it might be uncomfortable. I have an issue with being complacent in so many areas and that makes it hard to grow. But I can say now that I am ready to go and I understand that it will be a process and I am ready for it...the good and the bad.

One issue that I have been dealing with the most is that can you help who you fall in love with? Can you control the emotional feelings you have for a person even though you know you can't be together? Love is funny and is a strong word and should not be used lightly, but when it is used it has deep meaning. I know love should not hurt, but when the feeling is not reciprocated it can hurt.

I am changing and growing...it hurts, but it is for the better.

Adoptions

I work with adoptions and I love my job, but today I got kind of a revelation. I was eating out for breakfast and I saw a Caucasian family with two Vietnamese children eating also. It was cute, don't get me wrong, but it made me think about something I encounter in my line of work. When working with families who want to adopt you do have to think about the cultural and racial implications of adopting a child of another race. You have to think about can you meet that child's needs? Will your family be accepting? How will you address the child when they ask why do they look different? And there are so many other things you have to consider. But why is it easier for a family to go accept a child from another country versus a child of African American heritage? Rather a child be African American, Hispanic, Asian American, or African the child will look different and some of the same issues (not all) you will have to deal with. I am just making an observation...

True Friendship

A lot has been going on in my life and I am beginning to think and process it all. One thing that I am really dealing with is what does true friendship mean. I mean who can you say is a true friend in your life? I know people are not perfect, but shouldn't you expect simple things out of friends, such as being there? I am the type of person who values friendship and hope that my friends do the same, but a lot of times in life I don't think that happens. I mean I feel that I put more into the relationship than I am getting out. This can hurt and it can hurt a lot. I mean I love to be there for my friends and I love to make sure that I have my friend's back, but what happens when they let you down. What happens when they choose a significant other over you??? These are some of the things that I think about when it comes to friends. I wish people in friendships and relationships start to think about how their actions affect others and then maybe you might not do some of the things that you do.

My First Post!!!

This is my first post and I am actually excited. I have been doing alot of blogging on Myspace, but kind of getting tired of that. Myspace is somewhat becoming old to me now. While on myspace I began to write random things that I thought and then writing became a type of therapy for me. I began to discuss ideas, views, pains, and struggles in my life and I really enjoyed it. It became a way for me to get things out that were on my mind. Sometimes I ramble, sometimes I make very good points, sometimes I can be judgemental, sometimes I can be very random, but at all times I am just me :)

This blog was just to get me started. I honestly don't know if I will tell anyone about it that I know, but it will be out there for those who choose to read. It is my way of letting things out :) So....I think I will start by explaing my title.

This is what goes through my mind daily. If people only knew the whole me or what goes on in my head. No, I am not psychotic, but I have lots of thoughts, dreams, and visions that most people can not grasp. I do not talk alot about things unless I feel that it is important or I truly have something to say. I can ramble about day to day happenings, but when it comes to politics, religion, values, and other issues I have so much to say, but most people are not ready. If people only knew what goes on in my life from my struggles, my pains, my joys, and accomplishments. I call myself humbly beautiful because that is what I am inside and out. I am smart, wise, beautiful, caring, and above all humble. I am no better than the next person, I am not perfect and I have my struggles and issues I deal with daily, but I am confident in who I am and I am thankful for that.

I think this is the end of my first blog... There will be many more to come, but what they will be about only time can tell...