My Mood...

LEDISI - Lost And Found (Find Me) lyrics

Always alone

Someone come for me

Here on my own

Feels like the pain lasts an eternity

Tears come no more

I wanna smile again

Love again

Please someone find me

Souls pass me by

Why can't they see me here

Touch me one time

Just like magic

I will reappear

Sadness like the rain it showers over me

I wanna feel again

Please someone find me

Lost not yet found

Breathing in misery

Hope lurks around

When will the Sun ever shine on me

I need love to come carry me

Take me away

Please someone find me

I'll sing my song

Maybe I'll scream and shout

Please someone come

I don't wanna live without love

Hear my plea

I have love to give

I wanna live

Just do you....

I am always thinking and processing things in my mind which sometimes scares, but I got to thinking today.... Why can't people just be themselves? Why do we fit into the molds of other people. I am learning to just do you, rather people like it or not. I am me so love it or leave it. I am not saying people don't have room to grow and change, but you should not change the essence of you to fit in.

I think everyone needs to come to grips with who they are. I find people more pleasant when they are genuine and try not to fit in to other people's molds. I mean when I look at myself I am a loving, caring, nerd who likes to read. I love attention on an individual level, but not in group settings. I can be a clutz and sometimes everything I say or think does not make sense, but oh well. I am not the smallest person in the world, but not the biggest. I have big feet, but they go with my height. I love my hood music from time to time, oh well. I can be very random at times. I am me love it or leave it. Feel me?

Don't imitate me, don't try to be me, you just do you, is that hard???

Love Should not Hurt....

I recently was listening to Ledisi's Lost and Found CD on Itunes. I love it!!! But it made me realize that this is the soundtrack to my life. For the first time in a long time I have listened to an entire CD and can relate to every song on it. Her words, her melodies, and soul just reached me in a place that really made me think. It made me think about friendships and relationships that have been in over my life and how they are affecting me in my life now...and now I am realizing so many things.

I have come to the realization that love should not hurt...this statement is so simple, but is a struggle for me. If a person loves you then they should show it. Actions are good, words are good, but a person needs to feel loved. When you feel a relationship is one sided there will be a void in one person and that is not healthy. I should not continuously ask why does a person act they way they do? Why do they treat me like this? I know they love my by the things they do, but why do I continuously feel like I am not loved by this person? I should not feel pain when I try to process why the person acts the way they act. I should not continuously cry when this person does no understand why I am constantly frustrated....love should not hurt like this.

My dilemma comes when I still love this person. I mean I can not deny who I am and deny the loving nature that I have. I pray for the person, think about the person, think of ways to help the person, but do they do the same...no. I get joy in seeing them happy, I get pleasure when they reach the desires of their heart, but do they think about that for me???? no.... I know how this person is and everyday I realize this is just the person's nature, they are like this with everyone, but that does not excuse how they treat me. I can't stop being who I am, I mean I care for friends and family and would do anything to help you, but most people don't do the same. It takes a lot for me to get to this place with a person, my circle of friends and close confidants are small and I like to keep it this way, because I feel everyone should not be able to get close to you...that is an earned privilege. I guess in a way I am loyal to a fault...

I hope this makes sense what I wrote. Just needed to vent. I am still slowly processing that love does not hurt.

White Man Confident...Black Man Arrogant...

This is something that is really beginning to irritate me. When people see a black man who is about his business and confident in who is they call him arrogant or cocky, but when a white man acts the same way he is called confident... I mean by no means is Barack Obama perfect, but the fact that he is running his campaign very well and is on the way to be the first African American president of the United States he is now being called arrogant??? Are you serious??? He has defeated one of the power house families in American government, he has raised more money than any other individual canidate, and he has been able to give Americans hope that they thought they had lost...I feel he has every right to be confident that he is doing a great job.

The republican party is stooping to low tactics to descredit him. I mean you can disagree on the issues(which I thought the elections was about) without attacking a man's character. McCain is now harping on the fact that he is the underdog...which in some respects is true...but he still has the upperhand. I don't remember the state or the man's name, but I remember my mother and aunt telling me about an election for governor, I think it was in California, where all the major polls had an African American Male running for governor or mayor leading by a landslide....but on election day he lost by a landslide. All the people who said they were going to vote for him in public voting against him in private....makes you think. I am not saying this is going to happen, but makes you think.

I have referred most to the presidential campaign, but I do think this is an issue that is prevelant in all professions in today's society. I think society has a tendency to dog black men...it needs to stop. Sometimes I feel that I can be an optimist and hope for the best in every situation, but I do feel that black men need to be uplifted an praised for all the good things that they do. All black men are not bad and all white men are not good. When someone is on top of the game and doing well they have every right to be confident, but I do feel society views confidence differently for different people....just some of my thoughts

Should a Guy's Job Matter???

Should a guy's job matter when it comes to being in a relationship??? I mean could a person with a college education and a career(not just a job) be compatible with someone who might only have a high school diploma or even less? Can a man be okay with his wife making more money than he does or more career driven than he is? Should a woman give a janitor a chance if she is say for example an accountant?

Dysfunctional Love

I started this blog on Myspace and decided to expound on it....

Why do people get into relationships out of their own issues? I mean why enter into a relationship to feel a void? I think relationships should compliment each other not complete each other. I was listening to my Ipod today and one of the songs from the CD that was inspired by Passion of the Christ came on. It was called Relearn Love. The words are so simple but so meaningful. I mean so many peole need to relearn what love actually is. I think in today's society love is so often confused with lust. I do believe when you have a twisted view of love you always end up getting hurt and sad to say you never understand why. When I talk about love I am talking love in all relationships, just not romantic ones. I think so many people's definition of love or idea of love is so dysfunctional and jaded that they have no clue...Just me venting, hadn't wrote in a while.

I was talking to a friend the other day and her life is a series of dysfunctional love...but what hurts she does not see it. She is actually content in jumping from relationship to relationship out of her own issues. Although she stays in relationships for long periods of time she does not heal before going to the next one, which creates a series of unfortunate events. What hurts about it all...she is now bringing a child into her chaos. You try to offer advice, but when she asks it is too late and she has already made the mistake. How can you help someone like this???

People often say that I am too picky and need to lower my standards when it comes to love, but the more that I look at other people's relationships I learn and I know what I want in a relationship. Will I have the peferct relationship? No, but I will try not to make the same mistakes I see so often. I am open to love, I am open to learn, but I am not open to dysfunction. I know we all have issues and have to deal with the them, but they do not need to be the basis of a relationship..

The Struggle

This past week I have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions. I mean so many good things have happened to me this past week and I am thankful for them, but...so many other feelings and emotions have surfaced and right now I do not know how to handle them. I want to talk to someone, but I can't. I want to be able to express so many things about how I am feeling, but no one to do so with. Life can be interesting and honestly my life surprises me day by day. I want to be able to tell people how I really feel, but I can't. I have such a fear of judgement, shock, disappointment, rejection, and hate. At this point in my life I can't take any of the above...

Last night I was reading the Bible and the scripture I was reading was Romans 7. Sometimes I have to go back to this because this is where I am a lot in my life. I mean how can I do what is wrong when I am trying to do right? How do I have this daily struggle to practice self discipline, but yet fall short in so many areas? I don't want to do what I do, but I continue to fall into the same trap? How does this cycle end? How do I stop beating myself up?

I think a lot of times I am worried about the opinions of others and that controls my actions, but I know I shouldn't. I need to be free to be me and express myself however I want. I think a lot of my actions are in response to what others expect of me? I know I shouldn't but I have made it habit.

Then I think about my friends...do they really know me or do they know the person I have created for them to know? Will they love me if they knew the whole truth? Will they accept me for me and not this person I have created? Will they hate me for lying to them for so long? I question how can I call them my friends when they don't see how much I am hurting inside?

I want to cry and let it all out, but I can't. The struggle I have within is becoming to hard to keep within, but I don't know if it could ever be let out....