Life

So much on my mind......Next month I will be 35 and honestly not looking forward to it. The one thing I want I am tired of wanting and it is becoming frustrating. Something I cannot control, something I cannot make happen. Hurts......can't lie and say it doesn't trying to finish up my 35 while 35 list but I have come to a block and don't know if I can move past it. 

As I write this post I think on the fact that I am blessed and question why I let the little things get to me and how I am focusing on one thing I don't have, but attempting to remind myself of all the things I do have and it is hard to do. It is easy to say just deal.....well tired of dealing and settling or just being complacent. 

Don't know if things will change, but just needed to let this out.

 New hair color.......and actually smiling. All I got for now.

What is Love???

I have been going through a lot lately and have been processing a lot that has been going on in my life and in the world. I think I while ago I might have written a similar blog about true love...but I guess this time I am posing the question what is love? I can quote scripture, what people tell me, or cute sayings that I have seen in various media, but truly what does love mean to you? What does love mean to me?

Should love hurt? Is love a physical act or an emotional state of being? Why do people equate sex with love? Can you love someone enough to let them go? When you think of love why do we always think of a romantic type of love? Can a woman love a man without wanting to be with that man? Can a person every truly fall out of love with someone?

These are just a few questions that have been running through my head. Can a person love someone else if they don't love themselves? Can you have love without passion? Do people really know what love is?

These thoughts keep going through my head. I have thoughts on the subject, but not ready to express...yet. I am in love, in love with life, all the good and the bad. I love and I love hard, but what scares me is the person who I love the most does not see it and if they do they do no reciprocate that feeling. This may or not be a romantic love, but I know it is love. Can I see myself with this person...yes and no. Do I want to be with this person...yes and no. This might not make sense to most, but I am trying to process the feelings I have through my mind and soul.

So what is love to you???

Love Should not Hurt....

I recently was listening to Ledisi's Lost and Found CD on Itunes. I love it!!! But it made me realize that this is the soundtrack to my life. For the first time in a long time I have listened to an entire CD and can relate to every song on it. Her words, her melodies, and soul just reached me in a place that really made me think. It made me think about friendships and relationships that have been in over my life and how they are affecting me in my life now...and now I am realizing so many things.

I have come to the realization that love should not hurt...this statement is so simple, but is a struggle for me. If a person loves you then they should show it. Actions are good, words are good, but a person needs to feel loved. When you feel a relationship is one sided there will be a void in one person and that is not healthy. I should not continuously ask why does a person act they way they do? Why do they treat me like this? I know they love my by the things they do, but why do I continuously feel like I am not loved by this person? I should not feel pain when I try to process why the person acts the way they act. I should not continuously cry when this person does no understand why I am constantly frustrated....love should not hurt like this.

My dilemma comes when I still love this person. I mean I can not deny who I am and deny the loving nature that I have. I pray for the person, think about the person, think of ways to help the person, but do they do the same...no. I get joy in seeing them happy, I get pleasure when they reach the desires of their heart, but do they think about that for me???? no.... I know how this person is and everyday I realize this is just the person's nature, they are like this with everyone, but that does not excuse how they treat me. I can't stop being who I am, I mean I care for friends and family and would do anything to help you, but most people don't do the same. It takes a lot for me to get to this place with a person, my circle of friends and close confidants are small and I like to keep it this way, because I feel everyone should not be able to get close to you...that is an earned privilege. I guess in a way I am loyal to a fault...

I hope this makes sense what I wrote. Just needed to vent. I am still slowly processing that love does not hurt.