Needed to vent

I was really about to have a venting session on twitter today.....then I realized I have added a few people that don't want to share my vents with.

I am working on positive thinking, making the best out of every situation, and blah blah blah.....but right now I am truly having a moment.

Why? A question I ask to often and still don't know the answer. Life is interesting and full of surprises and some of my recent ones......not sure how to take them.

I still blog, more on my random thoughts blog, but hoping to get back into this one soon. We shall see......

Hope everyone is doing well and hope 2014 is a good one

Joy and Pain

This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write.  A lot has been going on....good and bad.  Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.

I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have.  One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle.  The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating.  I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn. 

Now on to the pain.  Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects.  How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change?  If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love?  I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!! 

I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do.  It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!

What is Love???

I have been going through a lot lately and have been processing a lot that has been going on in my life and in the world. I think I while ago I might have written a similar blog about true love...but I guess this time I am posing the question what is love? I can quote scripture, what people tell me, or cute sayings that I have seen in various media, but truly what does love mean to you? What does love mean to me?

Should love hurt? Is love a physical act or an emotional state of being? Why do people equate sex with love? Can you love someone enough to let them go? When you think of love why do we always think of a romantic type of love? Can a woman love a man without wanting to be with that man? Can a person every truly fall out of love with someone?

These are just a few questions that have been running through my head. Can a person love someone else if they don't love themselves? Can you have love without passion? Do people really know what love is?

These thoughts keep going through my head. I have thoughts on the subject, but not ready to express...yet. I am in love, in love with life, all the good and the bad. I love and I love hard, but what scares me is the person who I love the most does not see it and if they do they do no reciprocate that feeling. This may or not be a romantic love, but I know it is love. Can I see myself with this person...yes and no. Do I want to be with this person...yes and no. This might not make sense to most, but I am trying to process the feelings I have through my mind and soul.

So what is love to you???

Love Should not Hurt....

I recently was listening to Ledisi's Lost and Found CD on Itunes. I love it!!! But it made me realize that this is the soundtrack to my life. For the first time in a long time I have listened to an entire CD and can relate to every song on it. Her words, her melodies, and soul just reached me in a place that really made me think. It made me think about friendships and relationships that have been in over my life and how they are affecting me in my life now...and now I am realizing so many things.

I have come to the realization that love should not hurt...this statement is so simple, but is a struggle for me. If a person loves you then they should show it. Actions are good, words are good, but a person needs to feel loved. When you feel a relationship is one sided there will be a void in one person and that is not healthy. I should not continuously ask why does a person act they way they do? Why do they treat me like this? I know they love my by the things they do, but why do I continuously feel like I am not loved by this person? I should not feel pain when I try to process why the person acts the way they act. I should not continuously cry when this person does no understand why I am constantly frustrated....love should not hurt like this.

My dilemma comes when I still love this person. I mean I can not deny who I am and deny the loving nature that I have. I pray for the person, think about the person, think of ways to help the person, but do they do the same...no. I get joy in seeing them happy, I get pleasure when they reach the desires of their heart, but do they think about that for me???? no.... I know how this person is and everyday I realize this is just the person's nature, they are like this with everyone, but that does not excuse how they treat me. I can't stop being who I am, I mean I care for friends and family and would do anything to help you, but most people don't do the same. It takes a lot for me to get to this place with a person, my circle of friends and close confidants are small and I like to keep it this way, because I feel everyone should not be able to get close to you...that is an earned privilege. I guess in a way I am loyal to a fault...

I hope this makes sense what I wrote. Just needed to vent. I am still slowly processing that love does not hurt.