Relationships

Be careful who you get into relationships with. This is just not romantic relationships. Your time and personal space is valuable. Think how you let people into your life and how they change you, for the good and the bad. Relationships are hard, to keep up to balance, to maintain.

Saturday Morning Muses: Online Dating

I came across this meme this week and I could not stop laughing.  Recently I have tried multiple dating sites (including tinder) and realized over and over.....it is not for me.  I mean I desire to be a relationship, but I won't let it consume me, and I won't just settle.  I have friends who have found exactly that they are looking for on various dating sites.....me not so much.

So this week I decided to delete or hide profiles on the various sites that I have tried.  I am not saying I won't ever try again, but for now....not where I am at in my life.

Saturday Morning Muses: Relationships

Got to get better at this :-/ Last Saturday I was traveling so I forgot to write.....not a good start.

But today I am on it! Well kind of.  This morning I was inspired by a facebook memory which had my thoughts on relationships.

Tricky subject....Just saying be content in whatever relationship status you are. Don't let being single break you and don't let being married make you.


Just a few thoughts...simple, but thoughts.

What do you really want in a relationship?

Saw the below meme today and I was like this sums it up. What we say we want and what we date usually don't correlate. I mean why can't we see this?

My thoughts right now....

“Sometimes you can’t explain what you see in a person. It’s just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.”

Each day on facebook I try to post a quote that means something to me or to inspire and/or just make people think. This was today's quote.  Why did I pick this one? I have been asking myself what did or what do I see in a certain person? Why no matter what they do I can't let them go?

Who you are attracted to or what you see in a person can be such a mystery to the outside person, but to you it makes PERFECT sense. It could be the way they talk, the way they make you feel, the memories you share together, or how they treat you.  Question or issue for me is how do you let that person go when in the big scheme of things they cause you more harm than good :-(

Don't know how this is going end up, but we shall see....

Sidenote.....

Trying to blog more, too much going on in my head right now. Maybe soon I won't be afraid to post, but until then, they sit in my drafts. 

Current pic, I always need to remember to smile :-)

Why? Why? Why?

After my last blog post there have been a lot of things going on in my head and my heart....One big question is why?

1. Why do I feel this way?

2. Why is it hard for me to be completely open and honest?

3. Why don't people understand?

4. Why do I let YOU get to me like this?

5. Why am I so different?

6. Why? Why? Why?

One thing I realize when I blog I get things out, but when I get things out I have to deal with them. I have to deal with why I am still attracted to you. I have to deal with what I have to work on internally. I have to deal with what are you to me, I mean are we just friends? I don't just a lot of things I am not necessarily ready to deal with.

This evening was a rare evening when I had nothing to do, no work, no meetings, no activities, no errands to run. So what did I do? I came home and read and watched tv. I came home to "me time" and that left me to my thoughts and my feelings....not always good. My mind begins to drift off to the what ifs and the past and what will be the outcome in the future....seems harmless, but not really.

How do I process these things without becoming self destructive. One of my coping mechanisms is food which has led to me being way to big so I must stop. So I think now....When I have the desire to eat when I know I shouldn't be eating I will write a blog no matter how long or small, no matter how random or nonsensical it is, just write to get things out. What else can I do? I am going to have to continue to think on this.

Think this is it for now....random I know :-)

Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Mystical Magical Creatures

The other day this was my facebook status

why do men (and women) create these mystical & magical creatures in their mind that they believe they will find as a mate?

People blamed on Disney and other things, but it made me think....why do we do this??? I mean we have these preconceived notions of what we want in the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.  Below I will list some of the things I have heard.....

Women should be:

1. Beautiful
2. Skinny
3. Independent
4. Porn Stars
5. Making 6 figures
6. Make me look good
7. Take care of kids
8. Keep the house clean
9. No kids

Men should be:

1. Fine
2. Rich
3. Working
4. Big Feet (you know what I am saying)
5. The perfect gentleman at all times
6. Allways attentive
7. Making at least 6 figures (not the same as rich)
8. No kids
9. College Educated

What is on your list for the perfect mate? Are your expectations realistic or have you created the same magical creature I lot of people have?

Just some thoughts.....

Is Sexuality Fluid???

Sexuality is Fluid....
I don't mean like: you wake up and turn gay (p.s. no one “turns gay”—that phrase kills me)
I was attracted to this Lesbian who was very masculine..Would I act on it? Iono but i remember forgetting she was a she and just concentrating on how sexy she was…
when it comes down to it attraction is not about parts, but rather the essence of the person standing in front of you!

This is a post from How to be Nola Darling (deux) a great tumblr site that I follow.  It got me to thinking coupled with a question about my sexuality from a friend lately.  The fact that I have never dated I have been asked on a few occasions (from a few bold people) was I a lesbian. Question took me off guard, but it also made me think.

I can say no I am not a lesbian, but I can see how sexuality can be fluid. Have I ever been attracted to a woman, yes, but that woman had very masculine traits, and some of my attraction was can I say....complicated, it was more about the person than the gender. I love men and what I desire when I am with a man that I am attracted to, but can't say the same thing about a woman. But I totally agree with his last statement....the essence of the person standing in front of you.

What are your thoughts on the subject? 

Trust Issues????

Recently I asked a friend did I come off as unapproachable and she said I come off as guarded in part that she things I have trust issues.  This statement really got to me, even though I value her statement and what she said because she knows more about me than almost anybody.

But when she said I had trust issues it kind of took me back, because in my mind trust is earned and not given and it takes a lot for me to trust people...why? Because like I have said in previous blogs people let you down.  I am not the bitter black woman or nor do I treat people like they will hurt me from the get go, but I do realize once they do it is not a shock....makes me cope with it better.

Is this exactly me having trust issues? I honestly do not know. What I do know is that when time after time people prove me right it is more about protecting myself. This point of view goes for relationships, friendships, family members, and work. 

Can I be guarded? Maybe, but I think this stems out of the fact that I am different. I am 30 year old woman that has never truly dated.  I can't approach relationships like most people....when it happens it will be my first, this makes my views on things a little different.  Don't like lumping people together, but when most people here this.....does not go off very well, most people are shocked and honestly they don't treat me the same way.

Just a couple of thoughts I wanted to get out while I am taking a break from work.  Training and reading for days!!!! But still loving new job. Less free time, but I enjoy what I am doing.

Appearances & Looks

Why do people base relationships on looks and appearances? I mean does how a person looks help to make a relationship last. I had a convo with a friend recently and he made the statement that a person has to be attracted to you to get to know you, which I can understand from some aspect, but to base a relationship or completely say if a person does not have a certain appearance you will not be with them or get to know them is very superficial and from my perspective one reasons relationships are so jacked up now.

If you follow my blog you probably have read that I have never dated or been with anybody and lately this has been a real struggle for me because most of my closest friends have gotten married or are in committed relationships. I can frustrated because when I tried to explain or talk about my feelings with close friends they do not understand or dismiss my feelings....and that hurts.  It gets frustrating when you know who you are, what you have to offer, and the love you have to give, but no one gets to know it because you don't fit a mold that society says I should fit.

I know that I am a beautiful person who loves to have fun, give back, work hard, listen to friend's problems, cook, play and help influence kids who will grow to be our leaders of tomorrow. I love music and could listen and dance (not in public) to almost any great song.   I am silly and can be a dork at times, I realize that I might love to much and expect the best in people.....probably why I am let down so much.  I am not perfect, but what I am is a person who desires the companionship of another, but when no one takes the time to get to know that person it hurts.

A friend said I should spice it up, dress up more, which I think I do, but just because I don't like to wear heels, make up a lot, does not mean that a person should pass me over. I look nice, love a nice pair of pants and a shirt and I am good. I will wear a dress from time to time (more in the summer).  Plus I feel if I am not approached either way why not be comfortable???

Yes you have to be attracted to a person, but what if you miss out on something amazing just because it does not "look" like what you think it should?  If someone gave you a funny looking car that got you from point A to point B, but because it did not look like what you wanted you don't take it, but it had $1,000,000 in the trunk? You have missed something great over something superficial. 

Just some thoughts in my head right now....really needed to get those out. Have a had a lot going on health, professional, work, and spiritual......might be blogging a lot more to get some things out. Hope everyone has a great day. Trying to make the best of mine. On my way to the doctor!

Got to stop crying....

Over the past week I don't think I have done that much crying in my whole life....A little while ago I wrote a post on Letting Go and I said no matter the outcome I was going to be okay....well I have the outcome and I have had to process the outcome and I don't know how to take it in my life right now. In my mind I had two ways the situation could have gone....and it went neither way. Honestly, I don't know how to handle it or I am struggling to handle it. It is like I got 50% of each scenario that I expected. This actually could be a good thing if I handle the situation properly, but right now I am working through the pain. This is where all the tears and pain came from. What is scary a friend suggested I listen to the sermon from church yesterday and all I can say is I really don't want to because I would not hear it or process it right now....I have never been like this.

How can I let other people get to me like this??? I mean when processing some things with a friends I can finally admit that I really care too much and I wish that people cared back. Then he stated that people that people do care, but not the way you want them to, so I am like what is the point??? I mean if someone says that they love you, but their actions do not line up with their words is it really love? If I tell you what hurts me yet you continue to do it but insist that you love and care for me does that really make sense????

When I look at the people in my life from friends, family, acquaintances, and so on there are very few people that I can say truly care and love me....and even those don't show it in the best way.  One might say you choose to have these people in your life so you can let them go.....if it were only that simple.  These are people who have been there for me through the good and bad....people who are family by blood and by actions. I have to realize that no one is perfect and I can't expect them to be everything I expect them to be....but when they fail on the small things, it hurts.

The crying is stopping slowly, I hope I can get past this hurdle in relationships. We shall see....



Aren't I the same person????

Recently I was having a conversation with a male friend and he kept on saying that I need to "sexy" it up when I went to a concert....I was like I am going to look nice, but I am going to be comfortable. What was funny is I took part of his advice....but left the outfit on my bed and did not pack it.  I ended up wearing what I wanted to, fitted jeans and a nice top, with comfortable shoes (I knew I was going to be standing in line to get in).

After this convo and because of other various events that have been happening in my life I began to think about why I am still single and why so many people focus on the outward you without getting to know the inward you. What do I mean?

Well I am in the process of working out and losing weight. Recently I have learned that some of my weight gain is due to a medical condition. I have target goals for weight loss and the doctor is working with me on the condition so eventually I will lose the weight, but aren't I the same person?? Sometimes I wonder if someone who might approach me because I am a size 10-12 (I am being realistic.....) but never approached me when I was a size 18-20 even sees the problem with this? I mean I am healthy, no health problems because of my weight. I can walk up stairs, do a basic workout and live a healthy life, the only difference will be is my size. I am beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, funny, silly, and so many other things.....but most people do not take the time to notice because of my weight.

This is why I posed the question above. Agree with me or not, but I wonder how many people you pass by because of how they look or perceptions of them. I speak in terms of my weight, but how many people have you not gotten to know because they might not look the what you think they should look like.....

Just a thought....take as you will.

Several men have said (even my pastor....which irks me) that men are physical beings and they have to be attracted to you physically, that is fine, but if your significant other physical appearance changed due to something beyond their control does that give you the right to leave them? 

Just Too Much

Recently I have had a lot of things dumped on me this past week. From emotional, spiritual, professional, and so on....Been a rough week, but thank God things are looking up.  I know God has a reason for everything even when I don't know or see the reason.

Recently I deactivated my facebook account....needed a break and it was consuming me (not to the extreme, but it was taking up a lot of my time). I am taking some time to get some things right in my life that I have been procrastinating on in my life.

I so wish I can say more, but until some things play out really can't talk much about specifics. I am learning to be more proactive than reactive.  Can't always be on the defense, time to play offense....

Hope everyone had a great week!

For those who have not seen the new cut hear it is :-)

Will do photo challenge when I get home (forgot to take pic of my closet this morning)

Black Marriage Negotiations

This video was posted by a friend yesterday on facebook. I did not comment, because I had no words. Then several of my male friends reposted (surprisingly it was posted by unrelated friends). I sometimes feel that I am naive in the world, because I can't believe that a lot of women think like this. I get frustrated because most of the qualities this woman says she wants in a man or not want, most women I know don't think like that.

I am pretty sure this video was made by a guy, because it puts the black woman in a bad light, I wonder if a woman will make a counter video....that would be interesting. One of my friends said it best.....if you want to marry Beyonce, then you need to become Jay-Z.

But based on this video I decided to list some of the things that I want in a mate. Also made a list of things that are not important that some men feel woman want. List is not all inclusive, but some things that I desire. A while ago I wrote a list of about 30 specific things that I want in a mate, and the few friends that I told about the list asked were the things superficial....and my answer was no. (although there are some things that I want that are superficial, but they are not deal breakers, just playful wishes...like someone who can sing).

Ask if you want more detail, tried to keep characteristics short

Wants:

1. Intelligent (does not necessarily mean college educated)
2. Wise
3. Caring
4. God fearing
5. Be willing to wait for marriage to have sex
6. Knows purpose and working in it
7. Fun
8. Good money manager
9. Giving
10. Able to Communicate
11. Able to take the lead
12. Compatible with each other
13. Healthy
14. Supportive, as I am supportive to you (I got your back, you got mine!)

Not Important:

1. I don't care how much money you make
2. Looks are not important (although I have to be able to look at you)
3. What you do for a living (as long as it is legal and ethical and does not compromise what I stand for)
4. I don't have to take charge, I am so down for you being the lead
5. Your past, as long as you have changed (if it was bad)
6. What kind of car you drive
7. Rather you are college educated or not

These are just a few things that came in my mind after watching this video and past experiences.

What are some of the qualities you possess in a mate?

Do You Like Me or Not?

This weekend was great, but a lot of things were going on in my head. One thing I have said several times on this blog is the fact that I have never dated anyone. This has recently become an issue for me, well not an issue, but a topic of my inner thoughts.  I have had the opportunity, I have been approached (although most of the time it is inappropriately...do not yell or honk at me please), but no one has ever has seemed to make it to getting a date. Maybe it is the fact that I really was not allowed to date in high school, maybe it is the fact that I have standards that most people feel that I should compromise on (and no they are not extreme or superficial).

What gets me at this point is when people tell me I should approach the guy that I am interested in...I go back and forth in my mind about this and then I realize I can't. At this present moment there are a few  people that I am interested in or intrigued with. I like them as people, I find them attractive, and they possess the qualities that I would like in a mate.They are friends and people who I have met over the years. They all (hate the word all....sounds so big, but there is only like 2-3 people), know my history and know the fact that I have never dated or been in a relationship.  They know my stance on being approached and how I want to be approached. Sometimes their actions seem like they might be attracted me also, but they don't approach, then I begin to ask myself I am delusional?

For my birthday a male friend asked me about the guy that I had told him that I was attracted to in a previous convo, I then proceeded to tell him I think I am giving up hope.  He was shocked, but I then had to explain. I am happy being single, but I do want to be in a meaningful relationship. Every time that I believe that the person that I am attracted to feels the same way I am let down...so I have stopped hoping. A guy from my past recently informed me that at one point he was attracted to me, which I thought he was, but in my eyes he never acted on the attraction....saying it, asking me out on a date, or making attempts to get to know me better.  I am like how am I supposed to know if you like me or even if you might be interested in me unless you tell me. I am not psychic!

My question is how can I tell if a person is truly interested?

Relationship Hop

This morning as I was browsing through my friends facebook pages and statuses I thought about the topic for today.  Why can't people be okay with being single? Why do people jump from one relationship to another without truly getting over the last person?

Although I have never been in a relationship I have spiced up my page a few times by saying I am in a relationship or that it is complicated....the responses I got, TOO FUNNY! I have other people who do this too, I have friends who choose not to post their relationship status at all which I think is the best way to keep it.  Even had two friends who went from single to engage to each other and they kept their relationship so on the hush it shocked everybody. I am sorry.....got sidetracked.

My point is it is okay to be single. People should take time between relationships.  Some people can't stand to be alone and that is probably why they hop from relationship to relationship, but that is also why the keep breaking up in relationships. 

Just a thought.....

I just want a man to be a man!

My last post was about expectations and that subject is still getting to me.  That is a topic that gets to me a lot.  I was having a email conversation with a friend and just let most (not all) of my feelings out about the subject.  That helped me process some things and get some of my frustrations out.

What got me or made me think about the subject even more was when a high school classmate wrote a note on facebook about why she loved black men. I don't know if she wrote it herself or got from someone else, but it was very good post. What got me was a comment by a friend (who was a black man) that thanked her for pointing out the positives of black men instead of focusing on the negatives.

Once again....that got me to thinking. I have not given up on men (I will not say black...because it does not matter what color you are to me, which is another blog in itself) but I have come close, matter of fact my hope for men is on life support right now (just being honest). I have become tired of men letting me or even society down. It is not all about a romantic relationship, but relationships rather they be family, friendship, or even work relationships. Is it too much to ask for a man to be a man?

I don't want to focus on the negatives, but when they stand out so much it is hard not to.  I have seen great men who are excellent fathers, friends, husbands, workers, and/or family men, but those are few and far between....and I think that is a problem.  I hate to make generalizations and I know not all men are bad and I do not expect men to be perfect, but I just want them to stop making excuses for their failures. I want them to learn from them and move forward.  I want them to have a "I am my brother's keeper" mentality. Once you learn better, teach the next person to do better. Is that hard?

I think I am done venting....Last note....Being a man to me is NOT who or how many people you sleep with...think I will start this discussion on facebook later. My medicine is kicking in once again. Short nap before work :-) This pain has to go away!

Please Don't tell me how I should feel!

Earlier this week I had a very interesting conversation with a friend.  I have had this conversation time and time again, and honestly....tired of having it.  Something I have mentioned a few times on this blog is the fact that I have never dated or been in a relationship.  It is something I don't advertise, but if asked I will not lie.  Most people just assume I have...but that assumption is wrong.

What gets me is people like to tell me how I should feel or that I can't understand things because I have not been in a relationship. This is becoming increasingly frustrating.  I have the desire to be in a relationship, but it does not consume me and the fact that I am not in a relationship does not make me less of a person.  I had to tell a friend that I am grown woman and I have desires, dreams, and aspirations of what I want in a relationship and when meeting people I know what I want and what I don't want from a mate in life. 

What is crazy....I have always wanted that person that I actually end up dating to be "the one" some people might think this is weird, but knowing me it would not surpise me if it happened this way.  I sometimes think it might be someone I have known all along, but just waiting for the perfect time.  There is a person who sparks my interest right now....we shall see, but I am not holding my breath. I am believer that I will know when that person is right for me.

A quote that I stumbled upon awhile ago on twitter sums it up best how I feel about relationships....


“I am far from perfect. But I will be perfect for that imperfect somebody that is perfect for me.” -Unknown

Answer to Formspring Question

This post was inspired by a question on formspring that I received today. I am assuming it came from a twitter or blog follower (most people on facebook don't see my formspring tab). Here is the question:

In reference to your post dated March 8, 2010, "Being a woman...more than being single or married": As someone who has never been in a relationship, do you feel you have enough knowledge/experience to back this post up?

Original Post was me venting some of my thoughts after attending a conference at church.  I had to go back and read what I wrote to be able to respond to the question. I honestly wish I knew who sent the question I  do hope the read my response.

My response is simple and something I get frustrated about often. People often assume just because I have not been in a relationship that I don't have the knowledge or experience to comment on certain things. A lot of people also think I can't understand things about relationships.  I will admit I am not expert, but that does not negate how I feel and what I see.  I honestly do not know what points he was referring to in my original post so I am going to bullet point my response and hope that it answers the question.

1. Me being a woman is not based on who I am with or not with. Rather I have been in a relationship or not I still understand what being a woman is from my perspective. A person who chooses to be single their whole life (some people do) does not make them less of a man or a woman.
2. In original post I had issues with everything going back to men....if I never met a man in my life I would still be a woman.  My life does not revolve around a man...and no I am not the super "independant woman" (will write about more in next point)
3. Although I have never been in a relationship it does not mean I don't know what I want in a relationship. I have been approached by men...and women on various occasions, and have actually "talked" to a few, but a relationship never evolved. Dating in high school was not an option, had other things going on in college, and now I am an adult. Do I want to be in a relationship yes, but it is not the focus of my life...when it happens it happens. I do have my moments when I question, but overall I am good.
4. Being a wife or a mother does not make me a woman, but they are roles that women play. One day I hope to fill those roles, but am I less of a woman, because I am not in those roles at this point in my life...NOPE! I think so many people see a single person and assume that there is something wrong if they are single...maybe they are happy where they are in life, maybe they are working on some things for themselves.

I honestly don't know if this answers the question that was posed. If the person who posed the question will clarify that would be great!  I just said on twitter...I am so not a writer. I blog to vent and get out my thoughts. They don't always make sense, but they are a part of what is going on in my head.