Life

So much on my mind......Next month I will be 35 and honestly not looking forward to it. The one thing I want I am tired of wanting and it is becoming frustrating. Something I cannot control, something I cannot make happen. Hurts......can't lie and say it doesn't trying to finish up my 35 while 35 list but I have come to a block and don't know if I can move past it. 

As I write this post I think on the fact that I am blessed and question why I let the little things get to me and how I am focusing on one thing I don't have, but attempting to remind myself of all the things I do have and it is hard to do. It is easy to say just deal.....well tired of dealing and settling or just being complacent. 

Don't know if things will change, but just needed to let this out.

 New hair color.......and actually smiling. All I got for now.

Days 14-19: Several things......

This blogging daily is not going as planned.....

I got sick, took a few days off from work to get better and just was in a funk.   But.....Just because I was in a funk does not mean I did not have things to be thankful for.

One of my favorite quotes is....When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!!!!! Makes me smile every time I say it :-)

But seriously.....when I started off on this task to blog about things I am thankful for my goal was to truly focus on the positives I have in life, but in this experience a lot of the negatives have reared their ugly head :-/

Well 6 days have gone by since my last blog of thankfulness.....so what have I been thankful for????

Thankful for the times when my hair does what it is supposed to do.....might not last long, but I do get a pic in here and there.

My smile....one thing I TRY real hard to keep on doing....not always the easiest, but sometimes when you just smile it makes you feel better.

For getting to see Melissa Harris Perry speak in person....she was AWESOME!!!!! Not the best pic in the world, but what she said....confirmation on my next moves :-)

This cd is coming out in less than a month......SUPER DUPER EXCITED!!!! For those who know me......Love the music of all these men!!!

Do you see this hair???? Love it!!!! Now I am not bold enough to do the style....but the color is giving my life!!! Will this be my next move???? We shall see.... Glad this pic gives me inspiration!

For receiving this text.....reminds me of a happier time in my life......it was time of questioning a lot, but the person who sent it to me will always have a place in my heart.


Well.....those are just a few things that I have been thankful for.  Although I am not posting everyday, I promise that when I do post I will post things I have been thankful for over the time I have been absent. 

I am in a weird place in my life right now....questioning, wondering, longing......I do not know the answers, and honestly do not know if I am meant to know the answers, but what I do know is that I am still standing, I am still progressing.  Learning each day and growing each day.......

Change

I am still alive and I continue to suck at blogging consistently.  I have no excuse.....I am open up blogger and I just don't have the words to express what is going on in my life right now. Life is not bad, but it is not good either.

Lots of change is happening and I honestly do not like change.....I know it is for the better, but I am never good at it.  Hope everyone is doing well.  One thing I will say is I am looking forward for the future. Change is ahead.....

Sidenote I FINALLY got my tattoo :-) Shhhhh!!!!

This is before it was healed, need to take a new picture. It is on the back of my neck so hard to take a self pic.

Look forward to writing again.....think that is a part of my problem, not letting things out.

Letting Go!

I think I have finally let go of something that has been bugging me for a while. By letting go I mean I am at peace about the situation. I mean whatever the outcome is I am okay with it.  Change is hard, but I know the changes I am making are for the better. I have to think about me and my mental and emotional health. Tired of giving and people taking without pouring back into me. 

Life should be enjoyed and it should be an experience that you take each day and learn something from it. I have learned a valuable lesson this past week.....

We shall see what happens, I know what I want to happen, but at peace if it does not happen. I have to focus on the positives and think about bettering me so I can help others.

Joy and Pain

This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write.  A lot has been going on....good and bad.  Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.

I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have.  One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle.  The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating.  I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn. 

Now on to the pain.  Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects.  How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change?  If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love?  I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!! 

I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do.  It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!

Why are Certain People in Your Life???

Last night I had a great text convo with a very dear friend...thought it would lead to a phone convo, but it was accomplished in a series of texts.  I have asked him the same question several times over and over in our friendship and he always avoids the answer or ends the conversation....this time it was different.  He actually responded to my text and did not ignore question and I was completely shocked.

The reason I asked the question was because I have begun to re-evaluate various relationships (friendship, work, associates, and others) in my life and beginning to ask myself why I am in the relationship??? I mean why are people in your life? Are they in it for reason, season, or a lifetime?  What good are they bringing to the relationship? Are you bringing any good into the relationship?  These are several questions I have asked myself lately and honestly....I do not know the answer for most people in my life, which brings me to my ultimate question...Why are they in my life?

Why do people stay in your life that do you more good than harm? I am realizing, or better yet accepting the fact that it is time to let some people go.  I have a handful of friends in my life that I can count on and no matter what I know they have my back. We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but in the end....I love them and they love me and we have each other's best interest in mind.  Sometimes the people that you have to let go have done nothing wrong, but their season is up and I am learning to accept that.  I can't force people to understand, I can only move on and do what is best for me and my life.

Time to make changes in my life, time for me to be stop being complacent and silent. 

Tired of Being Obese!!!!

This is a very hard post for me to write.  I was sitting at my desk today and realized something...I am obese. Now...that statement could be looked at weird because how do you just all of a sudden realize you are obese???? That will be the discussion in the rest of this post. I wrote this as an accountability tool to me. I will start off by showing you pictures of me. Not the best pictures, but only ones I could find that show the change....

Now

Then

Yes the then picture I am half the size I am now (yes I said half) and it was taken my senior year of high school.  I do realize that I am 29 years old now and I will never be that same size again, but I posted to prove a point...I am fat, no obese now!!! Not good.  It is time to make a change. It is time for me to stop being in denial. My life and my health are too important. It is time out for excuses.

Why do I keep saying obese?? Because for the last few years I have justified it, said I am overweight, but in shape, said I am just fat, but no I am more than just fat...and that is not cool. I am tall and I always use that as an excuse. When I sit at my desk now I realize my stomach is getting in the way, when I try on clothes in my closet I realize they don't fit or they are a lot tighter, even in my shoes I can tell a difference, and all of this has to stop!!!

In the "then" picture I was a size 14 and almost had a flat stomach (remember I said almost). I was active in band and various activities. I was healthy.  Now I can get from point A to point B, I can climb a flight of steps, I can walk a distance, but do I always make it there without being out of breath....no (just being honest).  I workout in spurts, I eat right in spurts, and think about my health in spurts.  I have to be more consistent overall.  This is not just about physical appearance, but my overall health.  This has to be done!!!

I have done workouts, eat less, personal trainer, almost any and everything to lose weight....but I have a problem.  I am not consistent with it. I depend on other people to help me...this is about to change.  Starting today (was about to say tomorrow, because I was going out to dinner tonight) I will no longer wait for others or depend on others to do this for or with me.  I am doing this for me and I have to do this without expecting others being supportive or helpful.  I will do fine as long as I have a trainer but paying $200-400 a month can be expensive.  I have the information, I have and know what I need to do, now I just have to do it!!! And keep doing it!!!

Okay...the mission begins.  Yes I Can!!!!

You Like???

I was procrastinating at work today and decided to change my blog lay out...Don't know if I like...What are your thoughts? I have not figured out how to put my twitter feed back on, but still try. Love the design, but not sure if I like the ease of use...

What are your thoughts?

Simple Question....

Friend started this question on facebook and twitter and just made me think...

Can you turn a....

Into a....

????? Inquiring minds want to know....

Not What I Use to Be!!!!

Okay this might not be the best picture of me, but it is the most recent. Wanted to show where I am now. I was thinking of a topic to write about and could not decide because several were going through my head. The one that you are reading now won out.

As I was looking at my friends' posted links on facebook a childhood friend posted a video of her performing a song. It was very good. She is a recording artist with Jive records and I think she will blow up soon. The words of her song and things I have been dealing with lately. Sorry...digressed (I do that a lot)

I continually say that I am a work in progress, something I thing everyone should be. There use to be a gospel song that says (don't quote me) I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I use to be. I think life is a continuous process where we learn and grow daily.

With this being said I have a lot of faults that I am working on and trying to improve daily. I find myself a lot lately do things I know I should not be doing or saying things I should not be saying, and feeling bad after the fact...but I continue to do these things. I think Romans 7 says it best...I keep doing what I don't want to do. To stop....if it were only that simple. I think each day is a test, some days we pass....some days we fail, but I think the key is we keep trying. We are human, we are not perfect. We all have issues that we deal with daily.

I am very thankful that even though I fall I am not what I use to be. We all have a past and I pray that people don't judge me for mine, like I try not to judge people for theirs. We have to give people chances to have a restart in life. If we always bring up a person's past they will never get over their past.

This is the beginning of a new season in my life. I am excited and putting my faith to work. Life is too short to not enjoy it and make the best of it. I love me and God loves me and that matters most. I am thinking outside the box and making some drastic changes. I would love the support of those closest to me...but they are not ready. We willl see what happens...

What if we saw your life on the big screen???

A little while ago I wrote a blog on casting your first stone. Recently I was in a conversation with a friend and like always I over analyze so many things. Well....I got to thinking about what if people could see all of our issues on a big screen???

People always judge people or make comments about other people's lifestyles, choices, and issues, but they don't realize what if we call could see what you are struggling with??? We all have issues and we all dealing with something, but our issue might not be as visible as other's.

Have you ever wondered what would people think if they knew all about your past, or all about the things you struggle with on a daily basis? I know I have as many issues as the next and I would say I don't try to hide my issues, but the person who would encounter me on a daily basis might not ever know what I deal with daily.

I will give you an example...A lady who sleeps around with anybody and everybody, she might be quick to be labeled a hoe, but has anybody taken the time to get to the root of her issue, which might be needing and searching for love in all the wrong places? People are quick to snap or judge her (I am guilty too) without considering what has gotten her to the point where she is now. People would like her to stop sleeping around, but once you convince her to do that she still had the same issue and she just manifests it in a different way...

I think about daily how I choose to grow and change and how if people knew my inner most issues would they look at me the same....probably not. This makes me more cognisant of how I view and approach other people. You never know what they have been through or what they are going through.

If my life was on a big screen...Everything I have been through, everything I have thought, every good AND bad thing that I have done, I just can only imagine what people would say. I am learning daily to not judge, love in spite of, and be patient. I can't change anyone only God can. All I can do is be thankful for His grace and mercy that have kept me thus far!!!