All I know.....

World wind of emotions these days. I think I can finally admit I love you and what scares me is that I don't know why, or maybe I do know what and I am afraid to admit it, and what scares me even more??? We can't be together and the feeling is not mutual.  Don't know if I have the words to go further.....I have started and deleted so many posts on this subject. One thing that I am still trying to do through it all is what??? Still smile!! :-)

Why? Why? Why?

After my last blog post there have been a lot of things going on in my head and my heart....One big question is why?

1. Why do I feel this way?

2. Why is it hard for me to be completely open and honest?

3. Why don't people understand?

4. Why do I let YOU get to me like this?

5. Why am I so different?

6. Why? Why? Why?

One thing I realize when I blog I get things out, but when I get things out I have to deal with them. I have to deal with why I am still attracted to you. I have to deal with what I have to work on internally. I have to deal with what are you to me, I mean are we just friends? I don't just a lot of things I am not necessarily ready to deal with.

This evening was a rare evening when I had nothing to do, no work, no meetings, no activities, no errands to run. So what did I do? I came home and read and watched tv. I came home to "me time" and that left me to my thoughts and my feelings....not always good. My mind begins to drift off to the what ifs and the past and what will be the outcome in the future....seems harmless, but not really.

How do I process these things without becoming self destructive. One of my coping mechanisms is food which has led to me being way to big so I must stop. So I think now....When I have the desire to eat when I know I shouldn't be eating I will write a blog no matter how long or small, no matter how random or nonsensical it is, just write to get things out. What else can I do? I am going to have to continue to think on this.

Think this is it for now....random I know :-)

Why ask Why????

I remember for as long as I can remember I was the type of person that liked to ask the question why. As a senior in high school I was voted most inquisitive (not because I was nosey...surprisingly). I don't know if it was because my mother use to make me read news paper articles and write the who, what, when, where, and WHY of the articles.  Things always fascinate me and I like to know the meaning or cause behind it.

Sometimes it frustrates me because I can't always get the answers to my questions. Sometimes it can be actually fascinating.  I do have to learn is that sometimes I might not get the answers to my questions.  This is hard for me, but I know...I can't always get the answer. 

Here are a few questions that I find myself asking frequently.

First list is I guess what you would call "deep questions"

1. Why are people so selfish?
2. Why do we let fear prevent us from doing things we know we should do?
3. Why have I yet to experience true love?
4. Why don't people get it?
5. Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?
6. Why can't people handle the truth?
7. Why do people judge others without looking at their own flaws?
8. Why do people still prejudge people without knowing them?
9. Why is it so hard for people to see other people's perspectives?
10. Why can't I communicate my true feelings to some people?

Second list is just random why questions I have

1. Why do people ride your bumper when it is obvious that you are coming to a stop light?
2. Why am I getting gray hair already...I AM NOT OLD!!!
3. Why do men think young women can't cook?
4. Why can I wake up at the butt crack of dawn, but can't motivate myself to get up and productive?
5. Why do people want to speed in bumper to bumper to traffic?
6. Why do broadcast all the intimate details of their lives on facebook and get upset when they get put on blast by friends (and sometimes sites making fun of people)?
7. Why do music CDs have less music, but cost more?
8. Why do people not know their breath stinks?
9. Why did I try hookah and love it now?
10. Why ask why?

Okay just a few questions. If you have the answers feel free to let me know. If you have questions post them. Might and probably don't know the answers, but sometimes it is good just getting them out. Hope everyone has a great day! I have another blog post I am about to write. Don't know if I will publish yet...but need to get some thoughts out.

Why?????

Why do I continue to do this to myself??? I worry and fret over the things that I have no control over.  I need to just relax and let things happen.  Two things in my life right now are up in the air....but honestly what can I do? I can get an answer sooner, I can't worry about the outcome, I just have to continue to live life and if it happens....it happens.

I always do this to myself and I hate when I do it.  I had to stop in blog about it to process it out because I am really stressing myself out.  I mean it is becoming hard for me to focus at work, I am contemplating some things that I never thought I would contemplate, and I am crying when there is no need to. 

I have these emotions and feelings that I can't express and it is killin me!!!! I mean I keep asking myself why do this to myself? I am learning to be patient and learning to wait....it is hard.  What is sad is I know the outcome....the question is when will it happen, and I think to me that is worse.  It is like knowing you are about to give birth.  You know the baby will be born and closer to the date you are like is today the day?  How much longer do I have to wait?

I think I have written enough to calm me down and hopefully I can focus for the last hour of my main job.  I have to remain focused and get myself together!!!! Hopefully I will have answers soon.