I wanna love you

This title came to me while I was working on my Random Thoughts blog and figured since I had a block just go with it.

I do wanna love you, but it is not that simple. Last night I had convo with a cousin on why we won't work.....it hurts, but it is life. When two people have an attraction to each other but life just doesn't have it in the cards. I want love to be simple, I want love to be with you, but don't think it can happen.

Are you worth the risk? I really want to love you, all of you, but I can't.....

That topic...

I thought about what I would write all week. I know the topic I should write about, but I don't know if I am redraft yet. Although very few people read my blog (if any) not sure if I am ready to share.

Ever think about the life you live? Is it you or are you living to please others? Are you being your true authentic self? These are questions I have been toying with for a while now. Don't have the answers and don't know where this train of thought will lead me. What I do know is that it is scary.

The topic.....it is in draft and maybe one day I will have the courage to write, but for this day even starting post is a step, small step, but a step.

What do you really want in a relationship?

Saw the below meme today and I was like this sums it up. What we say we want and what we date usually don't correlate. I mean why can't we see this?

Unlovable?

Having a rough week and the thought "am I lovable?" has crossed my mind several times and it is scary. I often wonder if someone will ever love me? Take me for me?

Don't know if this feeling will go away, but right now it is constant. Wish I could write more, wish I could verbalized more how this post came to be, but right now......I can't 

It's just hair

I have recently started to get my hair done on a more regular basis and the reactions I have been getting have made me irritated. I mean it's just hair.  White people are fawning over it, black people keep saying if they had hair like mine. I mean rather her is curly or straight it is just hair.

I wish more people would appreciate their hair in whatever state it is. Straight, curly, afro, bobbed, shaved. It is all just hair.  

35 while 35 list!!!

Well the tradition continues......every 5 years I am going to complete a list of things. So since I turn 35 this year (seems like I was 30 forever) I will attempt to complete the following 35 things :-)

1. Save $3500 

2. Lose at least 100 pounds (originally said 35 but that is too easy)

3. Run 1/2 marathon (gearing up for Hot chocolate 15k as a warm up the Music City Marathon)

4. Read 35 books

5. International travel (suggestions welcome)

6. 35 random acts of kindness

7. Go on an actual date (one year this will actually fall off my list)

8. Get my 2nd tattoo (design already picked out)

9. Random thoughts daily for entire year (will post weekly on fb)

10. Blog on original blog weekly

11. Meet 35 new people and write about experience (for those who know me.....I don't talk to strangers so this is a big deal)

12. Attempt 35 new recipes

13. Keep a journal entire year of all my experiences I complete

14. 35 love notes

15. 35 community service activities

16. Watch 35 new movies (up for suggestions)

17. Try 35 new restaurants 

18. Walk/jog 35 miles monthly

19. Donate 35 pieces of clothing (it's sad how many items in my closet I never wear)

20. Phase flip flops out of my daily wardrobe (for those who know me......pray!)

21. Visit graves of my father and sister (still haven't been able to do this)

22. Weekend cabin tip to Gatlinburg

23. Try a new brunch spot monthly

24. Huge surprise for my mother

25. Apply for grad school

26. Take SOCRA exam (October is target date)

27. Teach my mother to use laptop and Internet (she has made progress,but has a long way to go)

28. Get cable again (now that I don't work as much antenna television is not enough)

29. Concert at a big venue (Janet Jackson in September)

30. Pay off my car early

31. Home ownership or new apartment (depends on my next career move)

32. Job promotion

33. Cut hair again (can't donate, but need to switch it up)

34. Be more social 

35. Just have fun!!!!!!

Life

So much on my mind......Next month I will be 35 and honestly not looking forward to it. The one thing I want I am tired of wanting and it is becoming frustrating. Something I cannot control, something I cannot make happen. Hurts......can't lie and say it doesn't trying to finish up my 35 while 35 list but I have come to a block and don't know if I can move past it. 

As I write this post I think on the fact that I am blessed and question why I let the little things get to me and how I am focusing on one thing I don't have, but attempting to remind myself of all the things I do have and it is hard to do. It is easy to say just deal.....well tired of dealing and settling or just being complacent. 

Don't know if things will change, but just needed to let this out.

 New hair color.......and actually smiling. All I got for now.

Trying hard......

At work and had some time and just wanted to update the blog. In a perfect world I would write more consistently.....not happening like I want.  I am getting there. Taking things one day at a time. My focus these days is weight loss and getting my life together. Hopefully I will have an update soon. :-) Below is a picture of some of my weight loss journey....40 pounds down and only ??? to go! we shall see!!

Words and actions

I don't even know where to start. Couldn't sleep and a lot on my mind and all I could do was blog. So honestly don't know where this post will go.

I never thought words could hurt so much.....for a person that always wants to know they why, I really want to know why you made the statement and the fact that you said it was not important hurts even more. You said it so to me it is important. Words mean things! Not only so words mean things, but the actions that go along with those words mean things and your lack of action hurts even more.

I don't ask for much and couple with the one thing I have asked of you and your recent words......I just don't know. My past and my present I am learning so much and right now coming to terms with the lessons I am learning are hard. It should not be this difficult!!!!!

One thing I have believed my whole life what is important to you make time for me, period! So when your words and your time don't add up it confuses me and I hate confusion.

So what will happen? I don't know, but just needed to let that out. Hopefully I can get some sleep before work in the morning, but doesn't look promising :-(

More blogging in 2015 is a must........