Friendship

I don't have that many friends in life, but I am very thankful for the ones I have. They love me unconditionally and challenge me to be a better person.  We don't always agree and at times we don't get along, but we all know in the end we have love for each other and we want the best for each other. No matter distance or time when we catch up it reminds me why they are my friends!

Friends and Family

I know....I missed last week. I was travelling and spending quality time with friends and family.  Which reminded me of how much they mean to me. I often get consumed with work and attempting to figure out my next moves in life, but I was reminded this weekend to enjoy the moments you have with the people that you love and love you.  That's all I have this morning....

Saturday Morning Muses: Happy but sad

One thing that I struggle with so often is balancing happiness and sadness. So often I when I am sad I still have to be happy for my friends, which I am.  But it hurts sometimes.....my pain should not overshadow the joys of my friends.  Still trying to figure out that balance :-/.

Words and actions

I don't even know where to start. Couldn't sleep and a lot on my mind and all I could do was blog. So honestly don't know where this post will go.

I never thought words could hurt so much.....for a person that always wants to know they why, I really want to know why you made the statement and the fact that you said it was not important hurts even more. You said it so to me it is important. Words mean things! Not only so words mean things, but the actions that go along with those words mean things and your lack of action hurts even more.

I don't ask for much and couple with the one thing I have asked of you and your recent words......I just don't know. My past and my present I am learning so much and right now coming to terms with the lessons I am learning are hard. It should not be this difficult!!!!!

One thing I have believed my whole life what is important to you make time for me, period! So when your words and your time don't add up it confuses me and I hate confusion.

So what will happen? I don't know, but just needed to let that out. Hopefully I can get some sleep before work in the morning, but doesn't look promising :-(

More blogging in 2015 is a must........

The conversation........

A lot of emotions in my life right now.........met someone, I like them......but......yeah, a lot I am not able or willing to write about right now.

But the conversation happened. I was able to talk (well at least text) about some of my feelings and struggles with a friend and was not judged and I think finally understood. Ever has those inner thoughts or feelings that you need to get out but fear of judgment? Fear of no one understanding? That is most of my life......and the ability to get some things out were refreshing and very therapeutic.

I am here, taking a fb break, little twitter activity. So this will probably cause me to blog more....I really need to.

The someone......what will happen???

Not the best pic, but these days it can be so hard to smile

You still get to me

The fact that I have decided to no longer reach out to you might be one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. Why? I still care for you. We were supposed to remain friends......but I can't continue to be an afterthought when you are not single. I will be ok, self talk right here.

It is what it is. Lesson learned.

Good Morning!!!

That person that gets you.....but doesn't

Do you ever have that person in your life that you feel comfortable telling everything and truly understands you.....but doesn't get you?  I have a person like that in my life. I finally made the decision that the negatives outweight the positives and decided to just let go because obviously I was not important to them.

Well.....it is not so easy. I still care and I really want to ask the person why? Why do you keep doing what I say irks me, why do you keep doing the one thing that  I hate!!!!! I have to let go, I have to stope letting you get to me this. What is crazy....for a perston that gets me.....you don't

Day 4: Friends

I stole each picture from facebook (SHHHH!!!!)

My friends mean the world to me and I am forever thankful for each one of them.  Above are pictures of some of my dearest friends that put up with all of my ups and downs and love them all!!! (probably because they are just as crazy as I am, HA!!!) Just kidding.......or am I????  Will talk about them from left to right.....

Ashley: The picture is the most recent one I could fine (she does not do social media) We met in college, became close through church, she has been a sister, inspiration, and just a support since I have grown to love her.

Amanda: Met her a few years back and although we are complete opposites, she has taught me a lot and exposed me to things that I have been close minded to in the past. She was one of the motivators for me to get a tattoo!!!

Dorian: We have been friends since the days of band in high school. We do not talk as often, but when we do it is just like old times. She knows a lot of my ups and downs and we have had similar experiences and it is great to have someone to talk to that understands.

Eloise: Known her since I was SEVEN!!!! She is my sister from another mother....sometimes I think my mother likes her better, HA! She has been there for me and understands (at least I hope she does) by rants and ramblings. I am thankful she has been in my life and she is an inspiration!!!  Can you believe she is a MD??? I got smart friends!!!

Starling: We met freshman year of college and he is my brother!!! I can honestly say he is the only person that has seen me cry outside of family. He has been there throughout the years. We have had our moments, but he has always been there. He listens to my rants, samples my new recipes (although I think for selfish reasons), tries new restaurants with me when I get the urge.  He holds accountable and is a true support.

I guess this is a brief overview of why I am thankful for my friends. I love them all, but just highlighted a few!

Can Men & Women Just Be Friends????

Can men and women just be friends????? After a few conversations and some recent experiences this thought has been in my mind a lot......Would love your opinions!

Who do you consider a friend??

Simple questions......

Who do you consider a friend? What attributes do they have?

You are what you post

Yesterday I posted a status on facebook that stated:

#notsorandomthought Just because you follow me on facebook or twitter please do not assume you know a lot about me......if you want to know please just ask. #thatsall

A friend responded with "You are what you post." This got me to thinking. Are you really what you post? I mean I am pretty transparent, but I don't post everything about me and what is going on in my world. I do spend a lot of time on the computer because of my job. I will post some of the things I do and some of the random thoughts that pop up in my mind, but it is not all inclusive of who I am as a person.

I think my blog covers more of who am inside, but still I don't post everything that I do or think. I started my blog to write about things that I am not necessarily able to express to those close to me, but surprisingly more people I know are checking out my blog.....don't know if that is a good or bad thing. 
So do you think you are what you post? For my readers who are on facebook, twitter, blogger, and myspace (is anyone still on myspace?) do you think your posts say a lot about you expose people to all of you?

Am I Appreciated????

This morning I woke up and read some interesting news....at first I was like cool, but then I was like what a minute.  I have very few friends in my life because it takes a lot for me to trust someone.  I think I can be loyal to a fault and I truly value the friendship I have, but.....I really do feel like I am being taken for granted. I do not expect people to be perfect, but I do expect people to show friendship back.  Sometimes they do.....sometimes they don't and when they don't it really irritates me. Sometimes I just wish that people appreciated you more.

I do not do things for recognition, but I do believe that people should know that their are valued. Saying you love me and that I am a great friend is different than showing me that I am appreciated for the love you have for me and the friendship we have. I feel I keep going in this cycle of rejection and being let down.  One person said that you should not have expectations of people because they will always let you down....and I think that is a sad way to look at people and life. I am not asking people to be perfect, but just to care. 

One time I was having a heated venting convo with one of my friends and I made the statement that sometimes I feel if I were to just disappear tomorrow....I would not be missed. I hate to think like that sometimes, but that is how I feel.  I get tired of explaining myself and looking out for other people when they don't do the same back.  Are people that selfish?

I don't know....thinking about making more changes in the new year, but we shall see. 

Don't want to end year off with a sad blog, so might have to write something silly later....we shall see ;-)



My Birthday is approaching....

Yesterday I realized....my birthday is this month. WHOA!!! This really creeped up on me.  Those who follow me know I am attempting to complete 30 things during my year of 30. I have started the process, but I realize I have a lot to do.  I don't want to be so focused on completing the list that I do not take out time to enjoy and just live life. Although I really want to complete the list I do not want it to consume me. If I finish, great, if I don't I will just continue to complete the things as life presents itself.  Feel me?

Well....approaching my 30th birthday has been interesting to say the least. A lot of things have been going on in my head. I don't think I am having a mid life crisis (I hope not....I so want to live longer than 60 years old), but I do think I am being very reflective of my past and how I am going to continue to live my present and my future. I have begun to think about the mistakes I have made and the successes that I have made. I have thought about how I will live the rest of my life and how I will influence others in my life....sometimes this scares me.

What is funny, yesterday I ran into a friend that I had reconnected with on facebook while on campus at work.  We stood in the HOT sun for almost an hour talking. It was funny because it was so unexpected and our conversation got me to thinking.  Made me realize that people do read my random thoughts and postings on facebook (I think some people have hidden me...don't post a lot, but I am an avid user of facebook). The conversation also made me think about some decisions I have made in my life and how I continue to make decisions....don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.  I appreciated the conversation, but I still wonder what the person thought about my responses to some of the questions and topics we discussed. I don't know if I want to ask the person what was going on in their mind, but it just makes me wonder.

I will be turning 30 this month. I have stopped "lying" about my age and I have some interesting decisions about the way my life is going.  As I end this posting one of my favorite scriptures popped in my head.

Jeremiah 29:11 (King James Version) 

¹¹For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Life is not perfect, but it is good. I will continue to live, laugh, and love.  It is a journey and I am learning and growing...

Not so easy to say the benediction....

Why is it so hard to say the benediction to certain people in your life??? My pastor always jokes in his sermon when he is talking about people that you need to let go of in your life, he says "My the Lord, watch between me and you while we are absent one from another, PEACE!!!"  This statement is usually said at the end of sermons, but he uses it as a saying to say goodbye who mean you know good in your life.

To me it seems simple for people who are obviously a negative impact in your life...but what about the people who are not positive or negative? What about the people who are just there?  They can be good to you, but they also can be bad to you? How do you let go of people who you know really have no purpose in your life?

I definitely do not have the answer to this question. I just know from a recent sermon I heard it was time to give the benediction to a few people in my life...some are negative forces and some are just there for no reason.  I have been doing of inward searching and praying lately and realizing that I need to make a lot of changes in my life....Hopefully all for the better.

I will be turning 30 this year and I am actually excited!!! I making changes and setting myself up for the future. Not thinking in the now, but thinking about what is yet to come.  I realize that some people who are just in my life for no reason are taking up space...and that space could be occupied by more positive forces.

My Last Post...

My last post was very random and what I truly would call one of my venting posts.  I am glad I got some things out and now it is time to move on. This weekend I spent the majority of the time at my place thinking, cleaning, and focusing on getting rid of the clutter in my life.  This pic to the right was from a banquet I attended a few months ago.  I cut out the person standing with me out because I really liked my smile and the picture of me...

This weekend I realized I am beginning to focus on me. Not others, but me. Took me a while to admit this to myself because in some ways I think it is selfish.  I care and worry about others and I think I am realizing it is to my harm. I care too much.  I will not stop caring, but will put myself first and not worry about others, because I have come to realize that most of the people I care about and worry about....don't do the same for me. 

I love others and I love to see others happy...now it is time for me.  Time out for caring for people who don't feel the same.  What is crazy is these are supposed to be your close friends and family. Why do the people who are closest to you hurt you the most???

I am better, but not where I need to be...Letting go of people is much easier said than done.  When people don't back up their words with their actions....I am tired of making excuses and tired of being understanding.

The face above is a face that I want to see more often.  It is a face happiness, a face of joy. 

To Tell or Not to Tell....That is the Question

This morning when I woke up I had an email alert that someone added me on twitter. What was interesting was it was a person that I knew in real life. This was weird to me...why??? I tell no one about my twitter page. I sometimes mention that I have one, but don't invite people to add me or tell them my screenname.  I have a few people I know in real life that are friends of mine on twitter, but we rarely talk on twitter and most of them do not use twitter anymore.  I don't have my real name on twitter and I only use my first name on twitter so when you search for me you can't find me. 

With this being said I really debated about letting people know about my blog. I mean I use to have a link on my facebook page and I use to occassionally post links to my post, but I stopped when work, family, and facebook intersected.  I sometimes have the desire to share my posts, but I don't want people reading my other posts and start asking questions.

My thoughts can be random, my thoughts can be skewed, but they are my thoughts and my feelings and sometimes I feel people are not ready to understand or process my thoughts.  The other day I added my godmother to my facebook page which was cool, I have nothing bad on the page, but a situation came up. She sent me a message (which was asked by mother looking at my page with her) asking why did I not have pictures of one of my close friends on my page (which I did). This did not bother me, but made me think....I don't want everyone close to me know everything about me. 

My recent posts have been personal. More than I have shared with a lot of people. I can only imagine what some people that are close to me would think if they read my blog and put two and two together???  I mean people have pieces to the puzzle, but the blog would be like the final piece....not cool.  In a previous blog I have talked about some of the issues I have been having and conversations with friends. I have thought about letting that friend know about the blog and it might help the person understand better what I have been trying to say lately.

I know the thoughts above are kind of random, but they all are thoughts that I have had about telling people I know about my blog and my twitter page.  Will they take the time to read it? Will they care? Don't know, but for now...my twitter and blog remain my place of freedom (as free or as open as I can be). 

How I Feel

Okay....I have been going through a lot lately and honestly I don't know how to express it. I have long phone conversations with a friend, with the majority of the time I am crying. I have 1-2 hour text messaging conversations getting things out. I have long facebook chats with a friend. What is sad I still feel the same way and honestly I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.

This morning I responded to a text with a series of 4 texts (150 character limit gets me) and person responded with a phone call. I was not expecting phone call cause it was 6:30 in the morning. I am an early morning person, but most of my friends are not. I just thought the person would read the texts when they woke up and then respond....I guess the texts woke them up (my alerts are never that loud). Well anyway. We had a convo and got some more things out, but guess what...still feel the same way. I explained to the person that I know how I should feel and what I should do...but that I can't feel or do that right now.

I always try to have a positive outlook and try to see the best in every situation, but right now I don't feel like it. What was so interesting my pastor on Sunday preached from Galatians 6:9...Really got to me. Because that is exactly how I was feeling. What is sad is, and I guess where I am right now is I am frustrated. Like I told my friend I can give you the answer of what you want to hear, or what I should do, but I would just be lying to you and just saying what you want to hear.

My feelings right now are all over the place and most people can not understand what I am going through. Have you ever been in a point in your life where you are happy and things are going well, but there is one area of your life that frustrates you beyond belief??? I think that is where I am at now. When I discuss the topic you would think that life sucks, but it doesn't. I am honestly at a great point in my life....except that one thing. ARGHHH!!!!

Okay...I am done. Need to get back to work, several things I need to finish before I leave today. I think I am going to open up tomorrow, more than I have done with alot of people that know me personally. I can always talk around the subject, but I think it will help me if I truly talk about the subject, oh well.

We will see....Hope everyone has a had a great day. I honestly did, should have got more work done, but will start that now.

Joy and Pain

This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write.  A lot has been going on....good and bad.  Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.

I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have.  One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle.  The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating.  I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn. 

Now on to the pain.  Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects.  How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change?  If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love?  I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!! 

I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do.  It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!

Why are Certain People in Your Life???

Last night I had a great text convo with a very dear friend...thought it would lead to a phone convo, but it was accomplished in a series of texts.  I have asked him the same question several times over and over in our friendship and he always avoids the answer or ends the conversation....this time it was different.  He actually responded to my text and did not ignore question and I was completely shocked.

The reason I asked the question was because I have begun to re-evaluate various relationships (friendship, work, associates, and others) in my life and beginning to ask myself why I am in the relationship??? I mean why are people in your life? Are they in it for reason, season, or a lifetime?  What good are they bringing to the relationship? Are you bringing any good into the relationship?  These are several questions I have asked myself lately and honestly....I do not know the answer for most people in my life, which brings me to my ultimate question...Why are they in my life?

Why do people stay in your life that do you more good than harm? I am realizing, or better yet accepting the fact that it is time to let some people go.  I have a handful of friends in my life that I can count on and no matter what I know they have my back. We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but in the end....I love them and they love me and we have each other's best interest in mind.  Sometimes the people that you have to let go have done nothing wrong, but their season is up and I am learning to accept that.  I can't force people to understand, I can only move on and do what is best for me and my life.

Time to make changes in my life, time for me to be stop being complacent and silent. 

This Weekend

This weekend I went to visit a friend and her husband in Atlanta. It was a much needed getaway and I had a great time....but it made me think of some other issues I am dealing with. Everytime I go to Atlanta I get the urge to move down there, but surprisingly this time I didn't.

Don't get me wrong I had a great time chillin, going out, and hanging out with friends, but this time I asked myself is Atlanta really for me?  We went out for drinks and I met my friend so I had to drive....getting there was fine, getting back...not so fine.  Luckily I had GPS, but it was not the best.  Once I get to the expressway I was good, but navigating all the different interstates really get me confused!!! I did get excited when I did not get lost getting out of Atlanta (last 2 times I went down there I ended up going the wrong direction and having to turn around...not good.

Anyway...while down there I realized I was running away from my problem(s). I was avoiding the obvious and refusing to accept what I have known in my heart all along.  It is so hard for me to let go and express my feelings about people.  I love people and they continue to let me down, but I still give them chance after chance, why do I do this when they continue to hurt me?

One of my friends had an interesting facebook status and I acutally "liked" it...but the more that I thought about it the more it did not sit right with me...The status said:

just because a person doesn't love you the way YOU want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how

Now....on the surface this sounds like something great, but if a person loves you the way they want to is that truly love? I mean this statement can justify so many wrongs.   I love someone dearly, but he does not know, or will not show love back...or he is showing the best way he knows how, but that is not enough, because I still feel like he does not care, but it is sad I know he does....

What shall I do???