Unlovable?

Having a rough week and the thought "am I lovable?" has crossed my mind several times and it is scary. I often wonder if someone will ever love me? Take me for me?

Don't know if this feeling will go away, but right now it is constant. Wish I could write more, wish I could verbalized more how this post came to be, but right now......I can't 

Trying hard......

At work and had some time and just wanted to update the blog. In a perfect world I would write more consistently.....not happening like I want.  I am getting there. Taking things one day at a time. My focus these days is weight loss and getting my life together. Hopefully I will have an update soon. :-) Below is a picture of some of my weight loss journey....40 pounds down and only ??? to go! we shall see!!

2014 is coming to an end....

Remember me??? I am still alive and trying to be better about this blogging thing.....let's see how this goes. Back in the beginning of last year I wrote a blog called The Four Fs which broke down my vision and things I wanted to work on in 2014 and this weekend I will be attending a gathering to see how my vision board went. So in preparation I decided to look back on more Four Fs and see what I have done.

Faith

Fitness

Finances

Future

Faith

Well...this didn't go as plan. Maybe because I attempted to read more and study more I hit road blocks. I do believe my faith has grown, but I didn't read as much as I planned. I did take time out at least once a week to study scripture outside of what I got while at church and I did read a couple of books to help strengthen my faith. I also started following several blogs that help me have more of an educated faith. I also failed in the studying of other religions part of my goals, so this will be carried on till next year.

Fitness

Fitness went ok, but the end of the year was an epic fail, well not epic, but not great. Through my church's churchfit program I lost about 40 pounds.....but because I am an emotional eater I gained 20 pounds of that back :-( But what has been a plus is a friend who added me to a group on facebook and the group is a motivator. I am working on what I eat and working on working out more consistently, even in the cold weather. So this year was not a total loss, but not as great as I wanted it to be.  But I will say, that my clothes are getting looser so I am excited!!!

Finances

Finances I can say went in a positive direction. I received a promotion at my job that allowed me to not have to work 2 jobs which is a blessing, but I held on to the part time job working it PRN for extra money and to help save.  I have begun to stick to a budget, pay of stupid debt, and build up my savings. I am not ballin yet, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!! I have learned from my past mistakes and I am thinking more long term than short term gratification. Now I still make mistakes, but not as many and I am still improving. One step at a time.....

Future

Now comes my future.....What is my future? That is still developing and looking over this past year I think I have done several things to help me in grow into what my future is becoming.....I have experienced career growth, I am actually a supervisor now! There is someone in my life right now and I am seeing where this is going.....not saying I am heading toward a family, but I am trying "dating outside the box." Am I happier? Not really sure, these past couple of months have been interesting for me and challenging, but what  I do know is it has helped me grow which I am enjoying. Life is not always perfect or what you expect, but I do know God has a plan and I am seeing where this is going to take me.....

The Journey

The Journey has been interesting and I realize this upcoming year I will be 35!!! (shhh! don't tell anyone) I have begun to think about I will continue to accomplish and continue to do to grow and learn. So we shall see where this takes me.  When I was 30 I did a "30 while 30 list" which I think I might do the same while I am 35.  But, the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that my life my not look like others I and I might not be taking the same paths as others, but this is my life and I am living it and making my mark in this world. I am and will continue to enjoy the journey!!!

Pic from 2nd vision board I did last year. Had a blast

Recent picture of me, I always have to remember to smile!!!

The conversation........

A lot of emotions in my life right now.........met someone, I like them......but......yeah, a lot I am not able or willing to write about right now.

But the conversation happened. I was able to talk (well at least text) about some of my feelings and struggles with a friend and was not judged and I think finally understood. Ever has those inner thoughts or feelings that you need to get out but fear of judgment? Fear of no one understanding? That is most of my life......and the ability to get some things out were refreshing and very therapeutic.

I am here, taking a fb break, little twitter activity. So this will probably cause me to blog more....I really need to.

The someone......what will happen???

Not the best pic, but these days it can be so hard to smile

My thoughts right now....

“Sometimes you can’t explain what you see in a person. It’s just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.”

Each day on facebook I try to post a quote that means something to me or to inspire and/or just make people think. This was today's quote.  Why did I pick this one? I have been asking myself what did or what do I see in a certain person? Why no matter what they do I can't let them go?

Who you are attracted to or what you see in a person can be such a mystery to the outside person, but to you it makes PERFECT sense. It could be the way they talk, the way they make you feel, the memories you share together, or how they treat you.  Question or issue for me is how do you let that person go when in the big scheme of things they cause you more harm than good :-(

Don't know how this is going end up, but we shall see....

Sidenote.....

Trying to blog more, too much going on in my head right now. Maybe soon I won't be afraid to post, but until then, they sit in my drafts. 

Current pic, I always need to remember to smile :-)

Assumptions

I remember when I was in elementary school and my first band instructor wrote the word ASSUME on the board and then said when you assume you make an ass out of you and me....get it? This has stuck in my head ever since then.

Why am I writing about assumptions? Because lately I have been thinking about the assumptions so many people make. Rather it be regarding me, others, or assumptions about things in general. I recently was in a meeting and as people talked and voiced their opinions I could not help but think about the assumptions people made when trying to defend their statements. I left that meeting really thinking about what assumptions do to people and how the can be very bad.

Here are some of the common assumptions that people have about me.....

1. nice
2. mean
3. straight
4. gay
5. nerd
6. anti-social
7. naive
8. innocent

I could keep going......but I won't. The ones I have listed are the ones that irritate me the most.  People make these assumptions before they even take the time to get to know me and seem shocked when I turn out the way that they assumed.  

I think the world would be a better place if assumptions were not made and if you want to know something or find out about something just ask. How hard is that????

Bored and Sick!!!

Stumbled across this while bored in bed sick :-( guess I will answer.....them all

1. Last kiss 2006 I think......long story, miss her

2. Last phone call business call, boring

3. Last text message asking about a friend's shoe collection  

4. Last song you listened to Eric Roberson's "Be a Humanitarian"

5. Last time you cried this morning 

HAVE YOU EVER: 

6. Dated someone twice nope

7. Been cheated on nope

8. Self harmed nope

9. Lost someone special several times

10. Been depressed yes

11. Been drunk and threw up nope

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 

12. had sex nope

13. How many people have you had sex with this year? zero

15. Made a new friend yes

17. Laughed until you cried yes

18. Met someone who changed you yes

19. Found out who your true friends were yes

20. Found out someone was talking about you definitely

26. What did you do for your last Birthday nothing

27. What time did you wake up today 4:00 am

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for marriage 

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time 2001, right before she died

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life singleness 

32. What are you listening to right now Criminal Minds

33. When is the last time you had sex? never had sex

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now her

35. Most visited webpage Facebook

36. Favorite colour soft blue

37. Nicknames ursie, urs, u-boogie

38. Relationship Status single

39. Zodiac sign Virgo 

40. Male or female female

41. Primary school lauderdale & snowden

42. Secondary School snowden

43. High school/college central and Vanderbilt 

44. Eye color brown

46. Height 5'10

47. Do you have a crush on someone yes

48. What do you like about yourself lots of things

49. Piercings 2 in each ear

50. Tattoos one on my neck

51. Righty or lefty righty

FIRSTS: 

53. First piercing ears when I was 12

54. First best friend forgot name, kindergarten boy with a name beginning with M

55. First hookup never hooked up 

56. First Bestfriend didn't I just answer this?

RIGHT NOW: 

59. Eating nothing

60. Drinking tea

61. I'm about to lay down

62. Listening to television

63. Waiting for to feel better

YOUR FUTURE: 

64. Want kids? Yes 

65. Get married? Yes 

66. Career research

WHICH IS BETTER: 

67. Lips or eyes lips

68. Hugs or kisses hugs

69. Shorter or taller taller

70. Older or Younger older

71. Romantic or spontaneous romantic

72. Nice stomach or nice arms arms

73. Sensitive or loud sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship relationship

HAVE YOU EVER: 

76. Kissed a stranger nope

77. Drank hard liquor often

78. Lost glasses/contacts nope

79. Had sex nope

80. Broken someone's heart maybe

82. Been arrested nope

83. Turned someone down yes

84. Cried when someone died yes

85. Fallen for a friend yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 

86. Yourself yes

87. Miracles yes

88. Love at first sight not sure

89. Heaven yes

90. Santa Clause nope

91. Kiss on the first date maybe

92. Angels yes

93. How would you label yourself? Querky 

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For kids

95. Did you sing today everyday

96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About I have no ex's

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? Wouldn't 

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For peace

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? nope

100. Do you like the way you look? Most of the time

Insight into my random thoughts

Well....trying real hard to get back to blogging here and it looks like I am succeeding. For those who have not been following me or who have just stumbled across this blog, for the past almost a year I have been doing a Random Thoughts blog.  Check it out if you like.  Each day I write random thoughts for the day. For example, since today is the 22nd I wrote 22 random thoughts? This can be easy and hard some days. It gets harder when I get to the end of the month, imagine putting down 31 random thoughts??? Now all of the thoughts are not completely random, but they are my thoughts. Some are funny, some are cryptic, some are just blurts that come in my mind.

Here are a link to some of my favorites or most viewed thoughts.

Post Scandal Edition
Chest Pains are Never Good 
Thoughts While Waiting till Marriage
Things I have learned from 2 Chainz
The Yonce Did That!!!!!

Also, here is an example of the thoughts from today.....in case you don't go over to the original blog

1. Becoming more open

2. My love for you will it ever end?

3. Do you know that you are racist?

4. Pizza for breakfast is always good

5. I get that you want to change me but you can't

6. Should have sent to Starbucks

7. No good music has come out in a while

8. How well do you trust me?

9. I can make you smile

10. Looking forward to a day off

11. What did we so before smart phones?

12. Can I give up meat again

13. Facebook/twitter break is much needed

14. Going to make this a great day

15. Only you can prevent forest fires

16. Look for someone who challenges you intellectually

17. We will just agree to disagree

18. Liking that I am slowly getting back to my original blog

19. Jake from State Farm.....he sounds hideous

20. I will not get sick!!! 
21. Yes, I originally forgot #21

22. Big girls need love too

As you can say I am very random.....but they are my thoughts. They have been therapeutic, entertaining, and fun to do. Still deciding if I will continue to do them past a year....I committed to a year which is almost here.
So hope you enjoy and read!!!!
Back to our regularly scheduled program

Needed to vent

I was really about to have a venting session on twitter today.....then I realized I have added a few people that don't want to share my vents with.

I am working on positive thinking, making the best out of every situation, and blah blah blah.....but right now I am truly having a moment.

Why? A question I ask to often and still don't know the answer. Life is interesting and full of surprises and some of my recent ones......not sure how to take them.

I still blog, more on my random thoughts blog, but hoping to get back into this one soon. We shall see......

Hope everyone is doing well and hope 2014 is a good one

Why can't I post like I use to here???

Wish I could get more into updating this blog.....

My random thoughts blog is still going and I do enjoy posting everyday, although, my last couple of post have had technical difficulties, but they finally posted.  I really do miss my random posts here, and the consistency of how I use to post. This was my first....sometimes I go back and read old posts and think about where I was at the time in my life.

My life has changed so much in the last few years, I honestly look back at my past and it is a blur sometimes. I am thankful for what my past has taught me and I hope I continue to take what I have learned and use it to help me grow.  One thing I do know that I am definitely not the same person I use to be and I do think it is for the better.

There is a song that I am not what I ought to be, but thank God I am not what I use to be.....those words could not be so truer in my life right now.  After I few hard convos with some close friends I am learning so much about myself, how I view myself, and how others view me.  It is easy to say screw how others view you....but it is not that easy. I am me unapologetically, but I do think people should take the time to say hey, if 99 out of 100 people look at me and think I am a bitch....what am I portraying to these people? You get it?

I think this is all I can write for now.....started this blog yesterday, but got busy at work. Maybe I can commit to writing at least one post here a month to start.....We shall see

BUT......

If you still want to follow me and some of the things that are going on in my world and my mind check out my new blog

Very Random Thoughts of Me

I promise you will enjoy my randomness, my thoughts, and a piece of me I like to share with the world.

Hope everyone is doing well!!!

recent pic of me! skin is on struggle these days, but slowly getting better :-)

Life, Love, Me :-)

I promise I am trying to get better. Health is FINALLY under control, work is becoming manageable, and I am getting a social life. Still no date yet, but I am not giving up hope (although sometimes I get discouraged).  Tumblr and twitter have been my short random thought mistress. I still love blogger, but posting has been harder. The free times I have I just like to rest.

One thing that is different in my life is that I am really being tested on what I believe and who I have become. Ever thought you or see yourself becoming the antithesis of what you thought you would be, rather it be good or bad? Well that is where I am in life and I am trying my best to deal with. Not saying rather it is good or bad, but I do realize that everything in life happens for a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason for this phase in my life, so we shall see.

Love....think it is my motivation these days. Love of people, love of life, love of me.  After a few anonymous posts on tumblr (this option has been deactivated.....just ask if you want to know). I think love is an important emotion and action in life, and right now I am learning to love unconditionally. I am also learning that sometimes you can love someone, but it is better for you not to be in each others lives (don't assume romantic....friendships and family can be toxic too). So we shall see how this goes.....how I respond.....and what I learn.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. This is homecoming weekend for me!! It has been 9 years since graduating!! One of my good friends is coming in town and several events homecoming related and not that I plan on attending so we shall see.....

Till I blog again... Have a Great life!!! (was going to say week, but I am trying to blog again before week is over)

I Can Only Be Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recently I was thinking about who I was becoming as a person and I realize....I can only be me. I am not perfect, I am a work in progress, but I am me. Flaws and All. So I decided to really think about who "me" is....

1. I am a woman
2. God fearing (don't always using that phrase, but fits here)
3. Big (I will NEVER be a size zero....I am okay with that, just want to be healthy)
4. I am a dork and love it!
5. Can be judgmental at times...never said I was perfect
6. I care too much, which causes me to be hurt alot
7. Lazy perfectionist (I like things done right, but I know I don't always work hard to do them right)
8. I love the kids! Have to invest in the youth.
9. "No Hands" is my kryptonite....for some reason I lose it when that song comes on, sad I know.
10. I have no rhythm....I can dance, but never in public (funny considering I took ballet, jazz, and tap as a child)
11. I am a virgin, planning on staying that way till married, one person said I should not broadcast that, but why not?
12. Hard for me to cry in front of people...think maybe 2 people have SEEN me cry...don't know if that is good or bad.
13. I am shy, I don't talk to strangers
14. Very goofy at times....

That is all I can think of for now. Not all encompassing, but a start. I will only be me, take it or leave it! I love me and God loves me so I am good....no GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 19: Favorite part of yourself and why

Picture was before the big chop, but I love my smile :-)

Day 1: Self Portrait

Earlier today I decided to participate in the 31 Day Photo Challenge. This will not take the place of my blogging, but show you some pictures of my world....Hope you enjoy!

Guess who this is? Me!!!!

I refuse to introduce myself again....If you read my blog you know me.

Letting People Down

Last night I left a meeting and I was very, very frustrated!!! Did I mention I was frustrated??? So I vented on facebook a question that I ask myself from time to time...

Why Do I Mentor????

One of the parents commented that her daughter loves me and looks up to me.  This made me shed a tear. I posted the statement to vent, but at that point last night I was truly contemplating this question. I love mentoring, I love giving back, and I love making a difference, but one thing that irritates me or gets to me is the idea of letting people down.

I know I am far from perfect and have as many issues as the next, but I wonder what if people knew all the thoughts and issues that I deal with.  I know my thinking can be abstract and different from the norm, but that makes me who I am. People always say in church that a person has a past, but what if your past is your present? What if your struggles are real and they are daily (which I think for most people they are)? Sometimes I wonder if the title of my blog came fully to life and people knew everything (within reason).

I am living my life for me, but I still have the fear of letting people down, rather it be friends, family, the kids I mentor, and even myself. My new change of becoming a vegan is something that I have not told my family yet, not out of shame, but out of they will really look at me crazy and more than likely not understand.  This is a simple thing in my life. What about the more complicated things...I know my family will not understand just by statements and actions of the years.

We will see what my next steps are. I honestly do not know. I do know that I can only be me, but me is an evolving person and on a journey and right now I am stalled. Life is going in the right direction, but in a funk. I need to get it together. Not a bad funk, but a stagnant funk....

Me...Creative??? Sure?!?!

Thanks to LC over at Loving Me for giving me this Creative Blogger Award!

Here are the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you.

4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth.

5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.

6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

Seven things about me.....(or not) ;-)

1. When I graduated from college my first job was being a professional shoplifter.  I would  go into department stores and attempt to steal things to see how to get past security.  This was done to test staff and security measures in the stores.
2. When I was 4 years old my mother use to make me read the newspaper for an hour each night.  I was learning to read so she thought show me tough words and I might learn quicker.
3. My most memorable kiss...was with a woman. Still have thoughts about it from time to time. 
4. My mother use to travel across Africa on missions trip and teach women about sewing.
5. My bestfriend and I one summer traveled to NYC and spent the night in Central Park.
6. Growing up I use to want to drive around all day in a taxi just to see how much the bill would be and to see at what point the cabbie would kick me out.
7. I can walk around on a handstand while in the split position....I GOT SKILLS!!!

Okay....Which one is true???? (I will let you know if you are right....I promise!)

Nomination of blogs....not good at this. So if you read this you are nominated :-) 

Why Do I Blog???

I thought about this today while I was going through the many blogs that I read during the day to break the monotony of going through numerous excel spreadsheets and access databases (don't get me wrong, I love my job...but some tasks can be tedious). As I read and looked at some of my favorite blogs they all have a theme or a general method for the postings...Then I looked at my blog. What was I, or what am I trying to accomplish with the blog.

Honestly....I don't know. I have so many random thoughts in my head and I just wanted a place to get them out. I use to blog on myspace...but rarely sign on to myspace. My facebook account has intersected business and personal so I dare not post on there (too much work to restrict various parts of page).

I know sometimes people might read my post and be totally confused...sometimes I am too. But in my posting I process things out in my mind. I get things out that I am not always able to articulate to other people. I get things out without being judged for my thoughts or looked at crazy by those closest to me that truly do not understand.

So why do I blog??? I still don't have a complete answer for that. Sometimes I would like more people to read or respond to my posts...most don't. Sometimes I wish that I would tell more people that are close to me about my blog...but then I might not be as open. Sometimes I feel like I blog to vent about things that irritate me. I guess I have various reasons...guess it is a work in progress?

So...Why do you blog???

Not What I Use to Be!!!!

Okay this might not be the best picture of me, but it is the most recent. Wanted to show where I am now. I was thinking of a topic to write about and could not decide because several were going through my head. The one that you are reading now won out.

As I was looking at my friends' posted links on facebook a childhood friend posted a video of her performing a song. It was very good. She is a recording artist with Jive records and I think she will blow up soon. The words of her song and things I have been dealing with lately. Sorry...digressed (I do that a lot)

I continually say that I am a work in progress, something I thing everyone should be. There use to be a gospel song that says (don't quote me) I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I use to be. I think life is a continuous process where we learn and grow daily.

With this being said I have a lot of faults that I am working on and trying to improve daily. I find myself a lot lately do things I know I should not be doing or saying things I should not be saying, and feeling bad after the fact...but I continue to do these things. I think Romans 7 says it best...I keep doing what I don't want to do. To stop....if it were only that simple. I think each day is a test, some days we pass....some days we fail, but I think the key is we keep trying. We are human, we are not perfect. We all have issues that we deal with daily.

I am very thankful that even though I fall I am not what I use to be. We all have a past and I pray that people don't judge me for mine, like I try not to judge people for theirs. We have to give people chances to have a restart in life. If we always bring up a person's past they will never get over their past.

This is the beginning of a new season in my life. I am excited and putting my faith to work. Life is too short to not enjoy it and make the best of it. I love me and God loves me and that matters most. I am thinking outside the box and making some drastic changes. I would love the support of those closest to me...but they are not ready. We willl see what happens...

Assumption #1 (Relationships)

Yesterday I wrote a blog on assumptions and stated that I would write about assumptions people usually make about me. The first one I decided to write about is relationships. I think this will be a hard one for me to talk about and was going to avoid it, but decided to just let it flow and see what happens. I write to get things out, sometimes things don't make sense, but oh well.

For me relationships are interesting...I won't go into a lot of details, but I am very unique in my experiences and most people have no clue what I think about relationships. When discussing relationships I offer my thoughts when I feel inclined to, but most people don't understand or listen, oh well.

A few years ago I made a list of everything I wanted in a mate, I honestly do not know where that list is, but I do remember that most of the things were not superficial which shocks most people. I think one day I will rewrite the list and might even add a few things. We will see.

But one thing most people assume that I want in a relationship is a man with money, so not true. People assume because I like (okay...love) to spend money that a person that I am in a relationship with should be able to have money. I am not saying I want someone that is broke, but is not a top priority for me. I work hard for what I want and I want the other person to do the same. My friends so I can be bougie (still can't spell that word) and will not talk to someone who might be a mechanic cashier, janitor, or so one...you get the picture. Once again not true!! I love to have conversations about various topics and I like to associate with people who can do the same. I love to read and challenge my brain and would like a person who can do the same. Is that too much to ask?

I just touched on a couple of things people assume about me and what I want in a relationship...There are so many things that go into making a relationship work and so many things that I think about when it comes to relationships that I could go on and on. I did not want to be too transparent on this blog because don't know who might be reading, but just put out a couple of thoughts.

Right now I am not in a relationship and I am cool with that...most of the time. I have my moments, but it has allowed me time to work on focus on me. We are all works in progress. Keyshia Cole (who I think can't sing at all) has a song with the words "you complete me," This is NOT what I want in a relationship. You do not complete me, you compliment me. I am whole and want you to be whole to. I got your back and I am down for you and your vision, but if you can't live or function when I am not there...not good.

Okay, I am done for now. I think the next assumption people make about me that I will write about is that when I am out in groups I am not having fun...didn't know how to word it completely, will explain when I write next. I am trying to write and read more. Right now reading having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, great book by Joanna Weaver.