2014 is coming to an end....

Remember me??? I am still alive and trying to be better about this blogging thing.....let's see how this goes. Back in the beginning of last year I wrote a blog called The Four Fs which broke down my vision and things I wanted to work on in 2014 and this weekend I will be attending a gathering to see how my vision board went. So in preparation I decided to look back on more Four Fs and see what I have done.

Faith

Fitness

Finances

Future

Faith

Well...this didn't go as plan. Maybe because I attempted to read more and study more I hit road blocks. I do believe my faith has grown, but I didn't read as much as I planned. I did take time out at least once a week to study scripture outside of what I got while at church and I did read a couple of books to help strengthen my faith. I also started following several blogs that help me have more of an educated faith. I also failed in the studying of other religions part of my goals, so this will be carried on till next year.

Fitness

Fitness went ok, but the end of the year was an epic fail, well not epic, but not great. Through my church's churchfit program I lost about 40 pounds.....but because I am an emotional eater I gained 20 pounds of that back :-( But what has been a plus is a friend who added me to a group on facebook and the group is a motivator. I am working on what I eat and working on working out more consistently, even in the cold weather. So this year was not a total loss, but not as great as I wanted it to be.  But I will say, that my clothes are getting looser so I am excited!!!

Finances

Finances I can say went in a positive direction. I received a promotion at my job that allowed me to not have to work 2 jobs which is a blessing, but I held on to the part time job working it PRN for extra money and to help save.  I have begun to stick to a budget, pay of stupid debt, and build up my savings. I am not ballin yet, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!! I have learned from my past mistakes and I am thinking more long term than short term gratification. Now I still make mistakes, but not as many and I am still improving. One step at a time.....

Future

Now comes my future.....What is my future? That is still developing and looking over this past year I think I have done several things to help me in grow into what my future is becoming.....I have experienced career growth, I am actually a supervisor now! There is someone in my life right now and I am seeing where this is going.....not saying I am heading toward a family, but I am trying "dating outside the box." Am I happier? Not really sure, these past couple of months have been interesting for me and challenging, but what  I do know is it has helped me grow which I am enjoying. Life is not always perfect or what you expect, but I do know God has a plan and I am seeing where this is going to take me.....

The Journey

The Journey has been interesting and I realize this upcoming year I will be 35!!! (shhh! don't tell anyone) I have begun to think about I will continue to accomplish and continue to do to grow and learn. So we shall see where this takes me.  When I was 30 I did a "30 while 30 list" which I think I might do the same while I am 35.  But, the biggest lesson I have learned this year is that my life my not look like others I and I might not be taking the same paths as others, but this is my life and I am living it and making my mark in this world. I am and will continue to enjoy the journey!!!

Pic from 2nd vision board I did last year. Had a blast

Recent picture of me, I always have to remember to smile!!!

Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

My 100th Post!!!!

Guess what post this is??? Yesterday was a bad day for me, but I am determined to make this day a better one....so far so good. Since this is my 100th post I really have no idea what to write about. I looked back at my first post on August 31, 2007...that seems like it was forever ago. I have done this blog thing off and on since then, but have become more consistent with it over the past year.

Looking at my first post. I have actually continued to encompass what I set out to do with this blog. Write about my random thoughts and feelings that I can not express to people closest to me. The blog is entitled If You Only Knew.... Most people don't and that is still true to this day. I sometimes ask myself do people really want to know the real you?? I mean not that you are fake, but what if everyone knew EVERYTHING that is going on in your mind and your though process...are they ready....doubt it!

Just my thoughts. Yes my view of the world, people, and life does not always fit the norm, and not everyone might agree with me, but that is how I feel. I am still on a journey of growth and understanding about so many things...I am loving the direction I am good. I have set backs, but I learn from them and move on.

Thanks to all that read, who comment, who don't comment. A few posts ago I wrote about why I blog and the more I blog the more I realize why...it helps me if no one else. Those of who you who enjoy my blog I am glad. I will continue to post, continue to vent, and continue to grow...Would love feedback and love suggestions.

Have a great day!!! I know I am trying too!!!