Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Being a woman...more than being single or married

This weekend I went to a woman's boot camp at church. It was actually informative and I learned a lot. I usually get irritated about these things, but I gave it a chance and enjoyed it.  There were different speakers and interesting topics.  My church is to have a boot camp for men later this month and then a discussion with men and women in April.  Things were addressed that were not usually addressed in the church. Open and candid discussions were interesting.

Although I have said positive things there was one thing that continued to irk me.  Not necessarily negative or positive, just irritating.  Why (there goes the question again) do people define womanhood between being single and married? Not to negate the lessons on emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Topics were great, but one thing...every topic went back to men.  What I mean by this is that this was a boot camp geared toward equipping women to be great women...but a lot of things were being defined as being single or being married. I am a single woman with the hopes of one day getting married, but me as a woman is not defined by rather I am married or single.

I am not the independent woman who thinks that she has no need for a man, but I am also not a woman who is totally dependent on a man. I have dreams, aspirations, and visions that I want to fulfill in my life. Yes, a husband will compliment those things, but my life is not predicated on him. Being a great woman is so much more than baring children and being a wife.

I am a beautiful, smart, caring, and loving woman. I work hard, give back, and try to make a difference. I bring in my own income (rather it be small or big) and I provide for myself. I mentor, I teach, I reach out, I give back. I listen, I learn, I love, I live. I am me flaws and all, take it or leave it. I am far from perfect but I am on a journey of growth. 

These are just my thoughts. Debating if I will share with my friends on facebook...We will see.

42% of Black Women Single...So What???

Yesterday I found it interesting that several of my friends on facebook and a few of my twitter friends commented and/or posted on the dateline piece that you can watch below. 




I became very irritated by it and actually refused to watch it, but then I remembered something an older cousin of mine told me...you can't really comment or defend your argument against something unless you know exactly what it is about. Funny...while I was typing this blog, another blog post I read posted something similar.  So I finally decided to watch it, and no surprise to me I was still irritated by the story...and this is why.

A few post ago I was talking about how I was feeling and the pain I was happening in my life.  Did not go into all the details, but will reveal some of it now.  I once did a post about random things about me and did not reveal the one thing that I don't tell most people about me....I have never been in a relationship or dated.  Usually when I tell people they are shocked and in disbelief so I try not to put it out there unless it is blatantly asked in a question that I can't get a round, because I try not to lie. This causes mixed emotions for me, but I have learned to deal with them, the good and the bad.  Have I ever been approached...yes, and honestly by men and women. Have I ever been attracted to someone...yes, but they have not felt the same way, and these people have been few (can count on one hand).  Am I happy being single, at this point in my life yes, do I want to be in a relationship, yes, when the right person comes along....which leads me to why I am irritated with the post.

The clip and the women had one major flaw that I saw....Just because you are successful and are an "independent woman" does not make you a woman that a man wants to be with.  Just because a man is "successful" does not make him the man that is for you.  The clip also brought about statistics about black men in America...which might be true, but why do you have to limit yourself to black men? Yes that is what I have thoughts of the majority of my life, but why should I limit myself because of other's preconceived notions of who the perfect person for me would be???  I am of the mindset when it is time for me to be in a relationship, when it is time for me to get married....it will happen. I think too many people approach relationships as a business merger, which is not always good. What I want in a mate is not always demonstrated from a person's degree. Also in the clip...just because you don't fit what society says is beautiful and successful does that not mean you can't have love??? Every woman on there was described as beautiful, had great careers, and had all these "things," but once again, there are people in the world who don't have any of those and have love and marriages that have stood the test of time!!

I know what I have to offer in a relationship and the right person will value that and appreciate that. I recently realized I loved someone and could not decide if that love was more than a friend, because I know what I offer and that person could not see it so I can't continue to feed into someone who does not see that.  It hurts, but I am getting better. I have said this time and time again...saying you love me needs to be followed up with actions, words are just words.  I am single and good, which does not mean that I don't desire a relationship, but does not mean that I am walking around pitiful thinking about when will I get married and that might my life is incomplete without marriage...so not true.  I have not always felt this way and sometimes I wonder when it will happen, but I can't lose faith that it can and will happen.

Just because I am apart of the 42% does not mean that I will always be. Why do people have such a negative stigma on being single?  Hate to say it the church even contributes to it...amongst other things, but that is another post in itself. 

I know my thoughts were all over the place in this post, but just needed to get it out.