Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Why can't I post like I use to here???

Wish I could get more into updating this blog.....

My random thoughts blog is still going and I do enjoy posting everyday, although, my last couple of post have had technical difficulties, but they finally posted.  I really do miss my random posts here, and the consistency of how I use to post. This was my first....sometimes I go back and read old posts and think about where I was at the time in my life.

My life has changed so much in the last few years, I honestly look back at my past and it is a blur sometimes. I am thankful for what my past has taught me and I hope I continue to take what I have learned and use it to help me grow.  One thing I do know that I am definitely not the same person I use to be and I do think it is for the better.

There is a song that I am not what I ought to be, but thank God I am not what I use to be.....those words could not be so truer in my life right now.  After I few hard convos with some close friends I am learning so much about myself, how I view myself, and how others view me.  It is easy to say screw how others view you....but it is not that easy. I am me unapologetically, but I do think people should take the time to say hey, if 99 out of 100 people look at me and think I am a bitch....what am I portraying to these people? You get it?

I think this is all I can write for now.....started this blog yesterday, but got busy at work. Maybe I can commit to writing at least one post here a month to start.....We shall see

BUT......

If you still want to follow me and some of the things that are going on in my world and my mind check out my new blog

Very Random Thoughts of Me

I promise you will enjoy my randomness, my thoughts, and a piece of me I like to share with the world.

Hope everyone is doing well!!!

recent pic of me! skin is on struggle these days, but slowly getting better :-)

Days 14-19: Several things......

This blogging daily is not going as planned.....

I got sick, took a few days off from work to get better and just was in a funk.   But.....Just because I was in a funk does not mean I did not have things to be thankful for.

One of my favorite quotes is....When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!!!!! Makes me smile every time I say it :-)

But seriously.....when I started off on this task to blog about things I am thankful for my goal was to truly focus on the positives I have in life, but in this experience a lot of the negatives have reared their ugly head :-/

Well 6 days have gone by since my last blog of thankfulness.....so what have I been thankful for????

Thankful for the times when my hair does what it is supposed to do.....might not last long, but I do get a pic in here and there.

My smile....one thing I TRY real hard to keep on doing....not always the easiest, but sometimes when you just smile it makes you feel better.

For getting to see Melissa Harris Perry speak in person....she was AWESOME!!!!! Not the best pic in the world, but what she said....confirmation on my next moves :-)

This cd is coming out in less than a month......SUPER DUPER EXCITED!!!! For those who know me......Love the music of all these men!!!

Do you see this hair???? Love it!!!! Now I am not bold enough to do the style....but the color is giving my life!!! Will this be my next move???? We shall see.... Glad this pic gives me inspiration!

For receiving this text.....reminds me of a happier time in my life......it was time of questioning a lot, but the person who sent it to me will always have a place in my heart.


Well.....those are just a few things that I have been thankful for.  Although I am not posting everyday, I promise that when I do post I will post things I have been thankful for over the time I have been absent. 

I am in a weird place in my life right now....questioning, wondering, longing......I do not know the answers, and honestly do not know if I am meant to know the answers, but what I do know is that I am still standing, I am still progressing.  Learning each day and growing each day.......

Living Life

To the right is me....I am still alive with blue hair.  I keep saying I am going to blog more.....not happening in my life right now.  Life is moving and honestly I don't know which direction I am going in right now. I am using twitter and tumblr more. You are welcome to follow me there.

For those who follow me and I follow you...Trust I am still reading your blogs (especially The Gayte-Keeper....don't comment, but I read one of the few I just don't skim).  I read blogs read daily to make me think and challenge my way of thinking. Sometimes even for pleasure :-) but I refuse to read bossip....can't purposefully kill brain cells.

Life is a journey and mine has taken a surprising turn.  My motto in life is now becoming.....

Never say Never......

Take it as you will. But like I said check me out on tumblr and twitter.  (not ready to open up facebook to everyone).

Tumblr: Humbly Musicstyle

Twitter:  Musicstyle

Letting Go!

I think I have finally let go of something that has been bugging me for a while. By letting go I mean I am at peace about the situation. I mean whatever the outcome is I am okay with it.  Change is hard, but I know the changes I am making are for the better. I have to think about me and my mental and emotional health. Tired of giving and people taking without pouring back into me. 

Life should be enjoyed and it should be an experience that you take each day and learn something from it. I have learned a valuable lesson this past week.....

We shall see what happens, I know what I want to happen, but at peace if it does not happen. I have to focus on the positives and think about bettering me so I can help others.

I Speak Life!!!

This morning I started writing and it was truly a negative blog. I was venting and getting some of my frustrations out...but I decided not to post it. Why?? I realize sometimes I focus on the negative too much. I am learning and trying to see the positive in any situation. Not always the easiest to do...but I am going to put forth my best effort.

I have a lot on my plate these days and I am thankful for every opportunity that I have been given.  I had a facebook friend say to me the other day that I was one of the few people who try to see the big picture and try to constantly improve. To me that is a part of life. If I am not trying to do better or learn more what am I doing????

So from now on I am going to try my best to always speak life. Not to say I won't have venting moments or bad days, but I always have to find the life in everything I do. Because if something is alive...it must be growing.

Oh....while writing this post I had an idea for the next post... SMART!!! (inspired from another blog...update soon)

My Last Post...

My last post was very random and what I truly would call one of my venting posts.  I am glad I got some things out and now it is time to move on. This weekend I spent the majority of the time at my place thinking, cleaning, and focusing on getting rid of the clutter in my life.  This pic to the right was from a banquet I attended a few months ago.  I cut out the person standing with me out because I really liked my smile and the picture of me...

This weekend I realized I am beginning to focus on me. Not others, but me. Took me a while to admit this to myself because in some ways I think it is selfish.  I care and worry about others and I think I am realizing it is to my harm. I care too much.  I will not stop caring, but will put myself first and not worry about others, because I have come to realize that most of the people I care about and worry about....don't do the same for me. 

I love others and I love to see others happy...now it is time for me.  Time out for caring for people who don't feel the same.  What is crazy is these are supposed to be your close friends and family. Why do the people who are closest to you hurt you the most???

I am better, but not where I need to be...Letting go of people is much easier said than done.  When people don't back up their words with their actions....I am tired of making excuses and tired of being understanding.

The face above is a face that I want to see more often.  It is a face happiness, a face of joy.