Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity (not the positive thoughts I had been having) was on my mind this morning.  Why are men so fragile? Why does the male ego have to be stroked so much? Why does a man's sexuality get easily threatened?  Ones masculinity should not be tied to the actions of others so when someone rejects or is attracted to it one should not go the the extremes of it.  I have a lot of thoughts and questions on the topic....all for now

Thoughts.....

"She fell for her not just for her looks, although her looks were pretty breathtaking as well. She fell for her personality, and for her beautiful mind."

Forever Single?

Well.....writing here more this year is the goal. My random thoughts blog should be coming to an end this year and really want to focus on writing a lot of my thoughts out here now again.  This is my first attempt......When I started this blog I always maintained that I was not a writer, but this was just a space that I can get out some of the things that I just can't express to people.....so here we go :-)

Recent text convos with a friend really helped me process some thoughts and feelings on relationships, sexuality, and life. It made me take a real hard look on my life and how I interact with people and the crux of this blog post.....why I have been forever single and what it will take for that to change. (really can't believe I am writing this, and if someone reads this besides me really surprised that I am actually sharing this) My life is not an open book, I don't share a lot of details with people and to actually know what truly is going on in my head......that is a miracle. But I digress :-/

Why I am forever single? Why no matter what I do I am the person that can't get a date, never approached, always the third wheel? I could keep going. This is not to diss me or an issue with self esteem, just an honest look at one one of my struggles. I am not "whoa is me" but I am acknowleding the desire to be in a relationship, the desire to share love, companionship, a family with someone else. I have a career, personal life, friends, hobbies, goals, a sense of humor, and things that I enjoy and make my life a life I enjoy, but the desire for a person to share my life with is forever present.  I am not perfect, no one is and I don't expect a mate to be perfect either, just want them to be there.

I question is my weight a reason? But I know people bigger, same size, or smaller than me with someone. I don't want to say I am happy with my weight, for health reasons I want it to go down, but I am still beautiful and that is not all of me so take it or leave it, work with me to help change it or shut up about it. I question if it is my looks, but I am beautiful, yes on the outside (will talk about inside later) and this is not a cocky statement. I love my smile, my eyes, my hair, my lips, blessed in the boob area, butt.....work in progress (just honest). Is it my personality? I am fun, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and just all around nice person (do have mean streaks at time). Is it once people find out that I am waiting till marriage? Well....I know people who do this and I have said this a goal and not an absolute, I am learning to be real about it....not giving up, but realize people slip, people grow and have other desires, and thoughts. This goal is not just a spiritual one, but a personal one.....can elaborate if asked, but too much to put here. Check out my post on it if you like. Is it my flaws? Not going to list them......typed them once and they were accidentally deleted so I took that as a sign (ask if you really care).

Now how can I change the status of my relationship besides clicking a box on facebook? Joke, get it??? I crack my self up!!! Not really, okay back to topic. I have gotten so many suggestions and none have them have worked. Let's see what I have tried, online dating, asking someone out, meeting someone off social networks, being more open, doing random things with random people......I can keep going. None of these things worked. So what have I decided to do? Just do me, just be me and see where the cards fall. Is this the best thing to do? Don't know, but at least it makes me happy.

I have even questioned my sexuality because of recent convos and events in my life.....can't believe I am actually putting this in the post.  Won't go into detail here and believe this is still a work in progress, but what I do know is who I have been and currently attracted to. I also know what I feel and think and process with regards to sexuality and me and I am okay with that.....this part is vague for a reason. This part of my life like so many others is a work in progress, and maybe a blog post will come of it in the future, but for right now....all I will say.

One suggestion that keeps coming up is for me to initiate or approach someone....Can't do it!!! Much as I try or want to, just can't. I freak out, I over think, don't know if I have an anxiety attack, but I think I come close. If you approach me? If you start the convo? I will talk, reciprocate, and give you a chance, but for me to start it? Nope, not happening!!! I think, process, over think so many things, I try to stop....but can't. I am a very logical person and it has to make sense in my head, and past and present interactions prevent me from approaching anyone....and this is just not in potential relationships. Don't know if this will ever change, but for right now it is what it is.

So where does this leave me? I honestly don't know. I mean for me to even write and POST and possibly even SHARE this post is a big step for me.  The fact that I was able to write out some of what I think and what I have been having in my head for the longest is a step in the right direction. Now that I am being more open and honest with myself and not living a life to please and meet the expectation of others is another good move for me. Excited about what is to come, excited that I actually got these things out, just excited.  

Surprise!! You made it to the end! Haven't wrote this much in a while and actually this post has been in my head and has been in several drafts that I have deleted and restarted over a while now.  Open to thoughts, encouragement, suggestions, open to everything except judgment. This is my life, my walk.....where it will lead me, only God knows, but I know in the end there is a reason for it all. 

Have a blessed day! Make the best of it and remember to smile :-)

Waiting till marriage.....

Where do I begin........

This blog is coming out of recent feelings and ideas I have had in my head and initially was just a blurt in my random thoughts blog.  At first I was like could I actually do it? Could I be that open? Well we shall see, if you are reading this post the answer to the last question is yes.

Close friends and few others know that I am a virgin and honestly hope to stay that way until I married......yes you read correctly. I am a 33 year old virgin.....yes adult virgins do exist. Has it been easy? Nope, but it is the road I have decided to go down. Why did I decide to take this road?? Well mostly because of my faith, but also in part to me feelings, my life, and just what makes sense to me.  My thought process is often different than most people.....but it makes sense to me.

I will not tell you how long it took me to finish this post because I kept going back and forth in my mind if I should write it? If I should post it? If I write it should I share it? Should I share it with my friends? I honestly don't know if by the time I finish this what I will do......time well. Post my go into rambling, but they are all my thoughts on why I chose to wait.

Okay.......finally decided just do it as my random thought blog on it.

So..........

Here are my thoughts while waiting till marriage

My Thoughts

Enjoy!!!!

Is Sexuality Fluid???

Sexuality is Fluid....
I don't mean like: you wake up and turn gay (p.s. no one “turns gay”—that phrase kills me)
I was attracted to this Lesbian who was very masculine..Would I act on it? Iono but i remember forgetting she was a she and just concentrating on how sexy she was…
when it comes down to it attraction is not about parts, but rather the essence of the person standing in front of you!

This is a post from How to be Nola Darling (deux) a great tumblr site that I follow.  It got me to thinking coupled with a question about my sexuality from a friend lately.  The fact that I have never dated I have been asked on a few occasions (from a few bold people) was I a lesbian. Question took me off guard, but it also made me think.

I can say no I am not a lesbian, but I can see how sexuality can be fluid. Have I ever been attracted to a woman, yes, but that woman had very masculine traits, and some of my attraction was can I say....complicated, it was more about the person than the gender. I love men and what I desire when I am with a man that I am attracted to, but can't say the same thing about a woman. But I totally agree with his last statement....the essence of the person standing in front of you.

What are your thoughts on the subject? 

Sexuality and Gender

This morning a conversation I had with a friend popped in my head and got me to thinking...

The conversation was with one of my friends that happens to be a lesbian.  She made a statement that sticks out in my mind to this day....She loves being a woman and she does not want to be a man.

The thought that goes in my head is why do people equate who or how many people you sleep with to rather or not you are a man or a woman? I think I touched on the topic in an earlier blog, but want to go more in depth of my thought process.

One statement that my pastor makes often (I love my pastor, but don't agree with everything he says) or says on occasion is "that I have been a man all my life." In the context of what he is saying he is is alluding to sexuality and how a man portrays himself. My question becomes why do people equate who I choose or choose not to sleep with determine my gender?

I am a woman, love being a woman, and have no desire to be anything else, but the fact that I have slept with no one does that make me less of a woman? Does a man who chooses not to sleep around or even sleep with men make him less of a man?  I think not! No matter what your stand on a person's sexuality I don't think a person's gender she be determined but who they sleep with.

Just some of my thoughts this morning....will continue the 30 day blog challenge in a few. Cooking for a cookout, but needed to get my thoughts out before they slipped my mind.