Waiting till marriage.....

Where do I begin........

This blog is coming out of recent feelings and ideas I have had in my head and initially was just a blurt in my random thoughts blog.  At first I was like could I actually do it? Could I be that open? Well we shall see, if you are reading this post the answer to the last question is yes.

Close friends and few others know that I am a virgin and honestly hope to stay that way until I married......yes you read correctly. I am a 33 year old virgin.....yes adult virgins do exist. Has it been easy? Nope, but it is the road I have decided to go down. Why did I decide to take this road?? Well mostly because of my faith, but also in part to me feelings, my life, and just what makes sense to me.  My thought process is often different than most people.....but it makes sense to me.

I will not tell you how long it took me to finish this post because I kept going back and forth in my mind if I should write it? If I should post it? If I write it should I share it? Should I share it with my friends? I honestly don't know if by the time I finish this what I will do......time well. Post my go into rambling, but they are all my thoughts on why I chose to wait.

Okay.......finally decided just do it as my random thought blog on it.

So..........

Here are my thoughts while waiting till marriage

My Thoughts

Enjoy!!!!

Listen....

So on point!!!

Black Marriage Negotiations

This video was posted by a friend yesterday on facebook. I did not comment, because I had no words. Then several of my male friends reposted (surprisingly it was posted by unrelated friends). I sometimes feel that I am naive in the world, because I can't believe that a lot of women think like this. I get frustrated because most of the qualities this woman says she wants in a man or not want, most women I know don't think like that.

I am pretty sure this video was made by a guy, because it puts the black woman in a bad light, I wonder if a woman will make a counter video....that would be interesting. One of my friends said it best.....if you want to marry Beyonce, then you need to become Jay-Z.

But based on this video I decided to list some of the things that I want in a mate. Also made a list of things that are not important that some men feel woman want. List is not all inclusive, but some things that I desire. A while ago I wrote a list of about 30 specific things that I want in a mate, and the few friends that I told about the list asked were the things superficial....and my answer was no. (although there are some things that I want that are superficial, but they are not deal breakers, just playful wishes...like someone who can sing).

Ask if you want more detail, tried to keep characteristics short

Wants:

1. Intelligent (does not necessarily mean college educated)
2. Wise
3. Caring
4. God fearing
5. Be willing to wait for marriage to have sex
6. Knows purpose and working in it
7. Fun
8. Good money manager
9. Giving
10. Able to Communicate
11. Able to take the lead
12. Compatible with each other
13. Healthy
14. Supportive, as I am supportive to you (I got your back, you got mine!)

Not Important:

1. I don't care how much money you make
2. Looks are not important (although I have to be able to look at you)
3. What you do for a living (as long as it is legal and ethical and does not compromise what I stand for)
4. I don't have to take charge, I am so down for you being the lead
5. Your past, as long as you have changed (if it was bad)
6. What kind of car you drive
7. Rather you are college educated or not

These are just a few things that came in my mind after watching this video and past experiences.

What are some of the qualities you possess in a mate?

Being a woman...more than being single or married

This weekend I went to a woman's boot camp at church. It was actually informative and I learned a lot. I usually get irritated about these things, but I gave it a chance and enjoyed it.  There were different speakers and interesting topics.  My church is to have a boot camp for men later this month and then a discussion with men and women in April.  Things were addressed that were not usually addressed in the church. Open and candid discussions were interesting.

Although I have said positive things there was one thing that continued to irk me.  Not necessarily negative or positive, just irritating.  Why (there goes the question again) do people define womanhood between being single and married? Not to negate the lessons on emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Topics were great, but one thing...every topic went back to men.  What I mean by this is that this was a boot camp geared toward equipping women to be great women...but a lot of things were being defined as being single or being married. I am a single woman with the hopes of one day getting married, but me as a woman is not defined by rather I am married or single.

I am not the independent woman who thinks that she has no need for a man, but I am also not a woman who is totally dependent on a man. I have dreams, aspirations, and visions that I want to fulfill in my life. Yes, a husband will compliment those things, but my life is not predicated on him. Being a great woman is so much more than baring children and being a wife.

I am a beautiful, smart, caring, and loving woman. I work hard, give back, and try to make a difference. I bring in my own income (rather it be small or big) and I provide for myself. I mentor, I teach, I reach out, I give back. I listen, I learn, I love, I live. I am me flaws and all, take it or leave it. I am far from perfect but I am on a journey of growth. 

These are just my thoughts. Debating if I will share with my friends on facebook...We will see.

42% of Black Women Single...So What???

Yesterday I found it interesting that several of my friends on facebook and a few of my twitter friends commented and/or posted on the dateline piece that you can watch below. 




I became very irritated by it and actually refused to watch it, but then I remembered something an older cousin of mine told me...you can't really comment or defend your argument against something unless you know exactly what it is about. Funny...while I was typing this blog, another blog post I read posted something similar.  So I finally decided to watch it, and no surprise to me I was still irritated by the story...and this is why.

A few post ago I was talking about how I was feeling and the pain I was happening in my life.  Did not go into all the details, but will reveal some of it now.  I once did a post about random things about me and did not reveal the one thing that I don't tell most people about me....I have never been in a relationship or dated.  Usually when I tell people they are shocked and in disbelief so I try not to put it out there unless it is blatantly asked in a question that I can't get a round, because I try not to lie. This causes mixed emotions for me, but I have learned to deal with them, the good and the bad.  Have I ever been approached...yes, and honestly by men and women. Have I ever been attracted to someone...yes, but they have not felt the same way, and these people have been few (can count on one hand).  Am I happy being single, at this point in my life yes, do I want to be in a relationship, yes, when the right person comes along....which leads me to why I am irritated with the post.

The clip and the women had one major flaw that I saw....Just because you are successful and are an "independent woman" does not make you a woman that a man wants to be with.  Just because a man is "successful" does not make him the man that is for you.  The clip also brought about statistics about black men in America...which might be true, but why do you have to limit yourself to black men? Yes that is what I have thoughts of the majority of my life, but why should I limit myself because of other's preconceived notions of who the perfect person for me would be???  I am of the mindset when it is time for me to be in a relationship, when it is time for me to get married....it will happen. I think too many people approach relationships as a business merger, which is not always good. What I want in a mate is not always demonstrated from a person's degree. Also in the clip...just because you don't fit what society says is beautiful and successful does that not mean you can't have love??? Every woman on there was described as beautiful, had great careers, and had all these "things," but once again, there are people in the world who don't have any of those and have love and marriages that have stood the test of time!!

I know what I have to offer in a relationship and the right person will value that and appreciate that. I recently realized I loved someone and could not decide if that love was more than a friend, because I know what I offer and that person could not see it so I can't continue to feed into someone who does not see that.  It hurts, but I am getting better. I have said this time and time again...saying you love me needs to be followed up with actions, words are just words.  I am single and good, which does not mean that I don't desire a relationship, but does not mean that I am walking around pitiful thinking about when will I get married and that might my life is incomplete without marriage...so not true.  I have not always felt this way and sometimes I wonder when it will happen, but I can't lose faith that it can and will happen.

Just because I am apart of the 42% does not mean that I will always be. Why do people have such a negative stigma on being single?  Hate to say it the church even contributes to it...amongst other things, but that is another post in itself. 

I know my thoughts were all over the place in this post, but just needed to get it out.

Do you expect too much out of a mate????

Last night at church we had "Women's Night Out #2" which was a discussion on relationships, men, and women.  It was interesting...I mean I have a unique perspective on relationships (really want to blog about it...not ready yet) and I guess I listened to the advice given, but I always have a different view than most people.

One thing that is a topic that always comes up is expectations of the person you want to be with. People have this image, or vision for the "perfect" person for them...but does that person exist?  I am not saying have expectations or lower your expectations, but do people have realistic expectations for a mate?  Does one flaw discount a person from being "the one?"  Not everybody will look like Halle Berry and have a perfect compatible personality.  Are looks that important?  If you are married is the person you are with the person you always envisioned for yourself? Are people's expectations actually delusions???

I mean what do you expect in a mate?  What is important to you? Are your expectations realistic???

These are just some questions I ask myself and that I think about....

Remember Assumptions???

OK...I fell off on my assumptions series. Lot has been going on and I have not been writing as much as I should. Been needing to get a lot out...have not. This entry is heading back to my assumptions that people assume about me.

Picture above is some of my best girls at our friends wedding. Can you guess who the bride was??? (Made myself laugh, HA!) We were hostesses in the wedding and worked hard to make sure that our girl had a day she would never forget. I think she enjoyed her day and had no clue of all the behind the scenes things we had to do. That is what friends are for, right?

I love my girls, the good and the bad. We have been friends for a while through the ups and downs. We don't always get along, we all have different personalities, but in the end we have each others back.

I know I can ramble, but this leads me to my assumption. During the wedding activities and everything most people never knew the internal struggle I have. Being supportive while hurting in the inside. The theme of this blog has always been "If You Only Knew" and in some ways that goes to my friends to. Sometimes I think do they ever think about what is going on in my mind? I mean I truly believe people assume so much and never take the time to ask. Sometimes I want to ask them do they ever think how I might feel when things are said or done? I don't know...I guess with a lot of my actions and in my life I try to think about how others see or feel about a situation. I am learning most people don't think like that.

Her wedding and the events that surrounded the wedding were very hard for me personally. For reasons related to relationships, friendships, work, and a lot of other things that were going on in my world at the time. Her wedding is over, her marriage has begun and I will continue to pray for her marriages and all marriages. The wedding is day, marriage is a lifetime...with that said the internal struggle still continues....

Tried to talk about it with a friend and chickened out, but in the process got confirmation on what I should have done a long time ago. It is time for me to speak up and get some things off of my chest....slowly a change is going to come!!!

Oh....next assumption entry I think is going to be about my weight!

Something New

This is the title of a movie that came out a while ago with Sanaa Lathan. The movie talked about a successful black woman who wants to fall in love and get married to a successful black man, but she falls for a white man. I thought the movie was excellent and it talks about a topic that I think a lot of people think about.

This week I was having a convo with my mom and she once again tried to slip in that she wants to see me get married and have a family (I do too...one day). I always joke and tell her she will find out when she gets the invitation. Some of my friends and I have the convo from time to time about how everyone so wants to see you get married even if it is the wrong person. Why is this to so many people the ultimate goal in life??? Like you are half a person if you do not have a significant other in your life.

I think as a young girls grow up they always have this vision for their life and if you look at your life now I am pretty sure that it has not turned out completely the way you envisioned. They dream to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids...at least that was my dream or the dream my family has put in me. I think being black it was always assumed that I would be with a black man. I remember a convo me and my father had as we were leaving the grocery store and he saw an interracial couple walking in the parking lot and he said if I brought a white man home that he would kill him...and knowing my dad I would never want to test that statement.

I am 28 years old now and I am my own person and have grown to have my own beliefs and views in life. I feel that love is love no matter what color the person is. Do I want to marry someone of my own race??? Yes, but I am open. I don't like when people say they only date a certain race because you are closing the door to a person who might be everything else that you find attractive in a mate. Since Barack Obama has been elected someone made the statement that if a black (African) man did not end up with a white woman then we would not have Barack as the first black president. Love is love, people have to accept it or leave it. Now I do believe that I have more in common with someone of my own race, but that does not have to do with the color of their skin, I think it is more of a cultural thing more than anything. When it comes down to it skin color is a physical trait and does not have anything to do with how a person treats you or who the person is in the inside.

Just some of my thoughts...I woke up this morning and was procrastinating. The work week is started. I love my job, but I think I enjoy my weekends of leisure more. Plus...got rear ended last week and have to handle all the things with getting my car fixed, never fun :( Ok...that was an aside. Hope you enjoyed reading :) I have a lot on my mind lately and probably be writing a lot soon, but just have to get my thoughts together.