The conversation........

A lot of emotions in my life right now.........met someone, I like them......but......yeah, a lot I am not able or willing to write about right now.

But the conversation happened. I was able to talk (well at least text) about some of my feelings and struggles with a friend and was not judged and I think finally understood. Ever has those inner thoughts or feelings that you need to get out but fear of judgment? Fear of no one understanding? That is most of my life......and the ability to get some things out were refreshing and very therapeutic.

I am here, taking a fb break, little twitter activity. So this will probably cause me to blog more....I really need to.

The someone......what will happen???

Not the best pic, but these days it can be so hard to smile

What does my life consist of these days????

I am still here.  I have been going through a lot lately....will elaborate more once things settle down. I really need to blog more regularly. My life consists of waking up at 4am, working out from 4:30-6am, getting ready for work and sitting in traffic from 6-8am, working from 8am-8pm (have two jobs now), and sleeping....then REPEAT!

Weekends are spent doing long walks (9 miles this weekend.....PRAY!!!!) to prepare my self for the half marathon, working with the kids on the weekends and mentoring, church on Sundays.  How long will this last???? Probably until I finish with my half marathon training.  

On top of having some personal issues that I am dealing with (like I said will blog about at a later date) life has been very interesting for me lately. One thing I can say is that I am learning a valuable lesson in this season and I know that it is preparing me for the next phase in my life.  Can't wait!

Hope you all continue to read and hopefully something I write inspires or makes you think or just gives you some entertainment during your day. 

Letting People Down

Last night I left a meeting and I was very, very frustrated!!! Did I mention I was frustrated??? So I vented on facebook a question that I ask myself from time to time...

Why Do I Mentor????

One of the parents commented that her daughter loves me and looks up to me.  This made me shed a tear. I posted the statement to vent, but at that point last night I was truly contemplating this question. I love mentoring, I love giving back, and I love making a difference, but one thing that irritates me or gets to me is the idea of letting people down.

I know I am far from perfect and have as many issues as the next, but I wonder what if people knew all the thoughts and issues that I deal with.  I know my thinking can be abstract and different from the norm, but that makes me who I am. People always say in church that a person has a past, but what if your past is your present? What if your struggles are real and they are daily (which I think for most people they are)? Sometimes I wonder if the title of my blog came fully to life and people knew everything (within reason).

I am living my life for me, but I still have the fear of letting people down, rather it be friends, family, the kids I mentor, and even myself. My new change of becoming a vegan is something that I have not told my family yet, not out of shame, but out of they will really look at me crazy and more than likely not understand.  This is a simple thing in my life. What about the more complicated things...I know my family will not understand just by statements and actions of the years.

We will see what my next steps are. I honestly do not know. I do know that I can only be me, but me is an evolving person and on a journey and right now I am stalled. Life is going in the right direction, but in a funk. I need to get it together. Not a bad funk, but a stagnant funk....

Drop Your Stone

This week my pastor eulogized the great football player Steve McNair. His death was a shock and a big news story. Everyone has their opinions and assumptions about what happened. People have speculated this, and speculated that, but the only people who know is Steve, the girl, and God. But that is not what I am here to talk about...

One of the main points my pastor tried to get across is that we all fall short. We all have issues, struggles, sins, and downfalls we deal with on a daily basis. We are in no position to judge anyone for their actions. We have to learn from the mistakes of others and move on.

John 8:7

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

My pastor stated that we need to learn from the sum total of Steve's life...the good and the bad. I think this is a great message. We all have issues and have all made mistakes, but we have to take the good and the bad and learn from them. People are not perfect and we cannot expect them to be. We can't judge others for their shortcomings because you wouldn't want people to do that to you.

Wrote all this to say. When you see some one fall short, when you see some one who has sinned, remember to drop your stone.

Remember Assumptions???

OK...I fell off on my assumptions series. Lot has been going on and I have not been writing as much as I should. Been needing to get a lot out...have not. This entry is heading back to my assumptions that people assume about me.

Picture above is some of my best girls at our friends wedding. Can you guess who the bride was??? (Made myself laugh, HA!) We were hostesses in the wedding and worked hard to make sure that our girl had a day she would never forget. I think she enjoyed her day and had no clue of all the behind the scenes things we had to do. That is what friends are for, right?

I love my girls, the good and the bad. We have been friends for a while through the ups and downs. We don't always get along, we all have different personalities, but in the end we have each others back.

I know I can ramble, but this leads me to my assumption. During the wedding activities and everything most people never knew the internal struggle I have. Being supportive while hurting in the inside. The theme of this blog has always been "If You Only Knew" and in some ways that goes to my friends to. Sometimes I think do they ever think about what is going on in my mind? I mean I truly believe people assume so much and never take the time to ask. Sometimes I want to ask them do they ever think how I might feel when things are said or done? I don't know...I guess with a lot of my actions and in my life I try to think about how others see or feel about a situation. I am learning most people don't think like that.

Her wedding and the events that surrounded the wedding were very hard for me personally. For reasons related to relationships, friendships, work, and a lot of other things that were going on in my world at the time. Her wedding is over, her marriage has begun and I will continue to pray for her marriages and all marriages. The wedding is day, marriage is a lifetime...with that said the internal struggle still continues....

Tried to talk about it with a friend and chickened out, but in the process got confirmation on what I should have done a long time ago. It is time for me to speak up and get some things off of my chest....slowly a change is going to come!!!

Oh....next assumption entry I think is going to be about my weight!