Life and what has been happening

Remember me???? I am still alive and I am hoping this is the last time I write that I am going to do better at blogging!

Work, illness, working out, and just life have consumed me.  But I have realized that I have to make time to blog, blogging helps me get out my frustrations, my thoughts, my angers, my feelings.... A lot of my social networks have become so intermingled and this blog as one of the few places where I can just express myself freely, no judgment just be.

Few updates in life:

1. Love my job! Working me like crazy, but I love it!!!!
2. Started new part time job, not working as much, still getting use to it so we shall see....
3. Weight is going DOWN!!! Still have a way to go but doing better :-)
4. I have a guy that I have my eyes on.....we shall see. This will be a first :-/
5. Got my passport!! (#2 on my 30 while 30 list that I FINALLY got accomplished)

Please don't give up on me blogging.....

Aren't I the same person????

Recently I was having a conversation with a male friend and he kept on saying that I need to "sexy" it up when I went to a concert....I was like I am going to look nice, but I am going to be comfortable. What was funny is I took part of his advice....but left the outfit on my bed and did not pack it.  I ended up wearing what I wanted to, fitted jeans and a nice top, with comfortable shoes (I knew I was going to be standing in line to get in).

After this convo and because of other various events that have been happening in my life I began to think about why I am still single and why so many people focus on the outward you without getting to know the inward you. What do I mean?

Well I am in the process of working out and losing weight. Recently I have learned that some of my weight gain is due to a medical condition. I have target goals for weight loss and the doctor is working with me on the condition so eventually I will lose the weight, but aren't I the same person?? Sometimes I wonder if someone who might approach me because I am a size 10-12 (I am being realistic.....) but never approached me when I was a size 18-20 even sees the problem with this? I mean I am healthy, no health problems because of my weight. I can walk up stairs, do a basic workout and live a healthy life, the only difference will be is my size. I am beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, funny, silly, and so many other things.....but most people do not take the time to notice because of my weight.

This is why I posed the question above. Agree with me or not, but I wonder how many people you pass by because of how they look or perceptions of them. I speak in terms of my weight, but how many people have you not gotten to know because they might not look the what you think they should look like.....

Just a thought....take as you will.

Several men have said (even my pastor....which irks me) that men are physical beings and they have to be attracted to you physically, that is fine, but if your significant other physical appearance changed due to something beyond their control does that give you the right to leave them? 

Check out my new blog

I will still be blogging at this site, but I decided to set up a seperate blog to chronicle my weight loss....Operation Death of Fat Girl. Please follow, comment, let me know what you think!!

Tired of Being Obese!!!!

This is a very hard post for me to write.  I was sitting at my desk today and realized something...I am obese. Now...that statement could be looked at weird because how do you just all of a sudden realize you are obese???? That will be the discussion in the rest of this post. I wrote this as an accountability tool to me. I will start off by showing you pictures of me. Not the best pictures, but only ones I could find that show the change....

Now

Then

Yes the then picture I am half the size I am now (yes I said half) and it was taken my senior year of high school.  I do realize that I am 29 years old now and I will never be that same size again, but I posted to prove a point...I am fat, no obese now!!! Not good.  It is time to make a change. It is time for me to stop being in denial. My life and my health are too important. It is time out for excuses.

Why do I keep saying obese?? Because for the last few years I have justified it, said I am overweight, but in shape, said I am just fat, but no I am more than just fat...and that is not cool. I am tall and I always use that as an excuse. When I sit at my desk now I realize my stomach is getting in the way, when I try on clothes in my closet I realize they don't fit or they are a lot tighter, even in my shoes I can tell a difference, and all of this has to stop!!!

In the "then" picture I was a size 14 and almost had a flat stomach (remember I said almost). I was active in band and various activities. I was healthy.  Now I can get from point A to point B, I can climb a flight of steps, I can walk a distance, but do I always make it there without being out of breath....no (just being honest).  I workout in spurts, I eat right in spurts, and think about my health in spurts.  I have to be more consistent overall.  This is not just about physical appearance, but my overall health.  This has to be done!!!

I have done workouts, eat less, personal trainer, almost any and everything to lose weight....but I have a problem.  I am not consistent with it. I depend on other people to help me...this is about to change.  Starting today (was about to say tomorrow, because I was going out to dinner tonight) I will no longer wait for others or depend on others to do this for or with me.  I am doing this for me and I have to do this without expecting others being supportive or helpful.  I will do fine as long as I have a trainer but paying $200-400 a month can be expensive.  I have the information, I have and know what I need to do, now I just have to do it!!! And keep doing it!!!

Okay...the mission begins.  Yes I Can!!!!

Remember Assumptions???

OK...I fell off on my assumptions series. Lot has been going on and I have not been writing as much as I should. Been needing to get a lot out...have not. This entry is heading back to my assumptions that people assume about me.

Picture above is some of my best girls at our friends wedding. Can you guess who the bride was??? (Made myself laugh, HA!) We were hostesses in the wedding and worked hard to make sure that our girl had a day she would never forget. I think she enjoyed her day and had no clue of all the behind the scenes things we had to do. That is what friends are for, right?

I love my girls, the good and the bad. We have been friends for a while through the ups and downs. We don't always get along, we all have different personalities, but in the end we have each others back.

I know I can ramble, but this leads me to my assumption. During the wedding activities and everything most people never knew the internal struggle I have. Being supportive while hurting in the inside. The theme of this blog has always been "If You Only Knew" and in some ways that goes to my friends to. Sometimes I think do they ever think about what is going on in my mind? I mean I truly believe people assume so much and never take the time to ask. Sometimes I want to ask them do they ever think how I might feel when things are said or done? I don't know...I guess with a lot of my actions and in my life I try to think about how others see or feel about a situation. I am learning most people don't think like that.

Her wedding and the events that surrounded the wedding were very hard for me personally. For reasons related to relationships, friendships, work, and a lot of other things that were going on in my world at the time. Her wedding is over, her marriage has begun and I will continue to pray for her marriages and all marriages. The wedding is day, marriage is a lifetime...with that said the internal struggle still continues....

Tried to talk about it with a friend and chickened out, but in the process got confirmation on what I should have done a long time ago. It is time for me to speak up and get some things off of my chest....slowly a change is going to come!!!

Oh....next assumption entry I think is going to be about my weight!