I don't always make sense, but I blog to vent. If people knew all the things that were going on in my head they would be shocked...not a bad shock, but a surprising shock.
I was having a text conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago about an issue I was having. She left me with the statement:
CLARITY + CLOSURE = PEACE
This statement seems so simple and makes sense, but what if you never get closure? What if you never get the answer to your questions or resolve the issue? Are you able to let it go? Closure can come in various forms, but if it does come in the way that you want it to???
A couple of years ago, my father passed away. It was unexpected and I was shocked. We were not on the best of terms, but I was at peace about the situation. Is this the closure I wanted for my father, no. There were things left unsaid and questions still not answered to this day, but I am at peace about the situation. I had to find closure in a different way. I always thought my father and I would talk things out, he would get his life together, and things would get better...not back to the way it use to be, but better.
I think people going their whole lives looking for their form of closure and sometimes never reach it. Tonight I am going to have a closure for myself. I know how I want it to end...but I am ready for closure in other ways. Even if it means spending time alone, losing a friend, changing my life as I know it and have become comfortable with.
Tonight will be a great night. I am excited and scared, but I know whatever happens tonight it will be for the best!!!
Yesterday I found it interesting that several of my friends on facebook and a few of my twitter friends commented and/or posted on the dateline piece that you can watch below.
I became very irritated by it and actually refused to watch it, but then I remembered something an older cousin of mine told me...you can't really comment or defend your argument against something unless you know exactly what it is about. Funny...while I was typing this blog, another blog post I read posted something similar. So I finally decided to watch it, and no surprise to me I was still irritated by the story...and this is why.
A few post ago I was talking about how I was feeling and the pain I was happening in my life. Did not go into all the details, but will reveal some of it now. I once did a post about random things about me and did not reveal the one thing that I don't tell most people about me....I have never been in a relationship or dated. Usually when I tell people they are shocked and in disbelief so I try not to put it out there unless it is blatantly asked in a question that I can't get a round, because I try not to lie. This causes mixed emotions for me, but I have learned to deal with them, the good and the bad. Have I ever been approached...yes, and honestly by men and women. Have I ever been attracted to someone...yes, but they have not felt the same way, and these people have been few (can count on one hand). Am I happy being single, at this point in my life yes, do I want to be in a relationship, yes, when the right person comes along....which leads me to why I am irritated with the post.
The clip and the women had one major flaw that I saw....Just because you are successful and are an "independent woman" does not make you a woman that a man wants to be with. Just because a man is "successful" does not make him the man that is for you. The clip also brought about statistics about black men in America...which might be true, but why do you have to limit yourself to black men? Yes that is what I have thoughts of the majority of my life, but why should I limit myself because of other's preconceived notions of who the perfect person for me would be??? I am of the mindset when it is time for me to be in a relationship, when it is time for me to get married....it will happen. I think too many people approach relationships as a business merger, which is not always good. What I want in a mate is not always demonstrated from a person's degree. Also in the clip...just because you don't fit what society says is beautiful and successful does that not mean you can't have love??? Every woman on there was described as beautiful, had great careers, and had all these "things," but once again, there are people in the world who don't have any of those and have love and marriages that have stood the test of time!!
I know what I have to offer in a relationship and the right person will value that and appreciate that. I recently realized I loved someone and could not decide if that love was more than a friend, because I know what I offer and that person could not see it so I can't continue to feed into someone who does not see that. It hurts, but I am getting better. I have said this time and time again...saying you love me needs to be followed up with actions, words are just words. I am single and good, which does not mean that I don't desire a relationship, but does not mean that I am walking around pitiful thinking about when will I get married and that might my life is incomplete without marriage...so not true. I have not always felt this way and sometimes I wonder when it will happen, but I can't lose faith that it can and will happen.
Just because I am apart of the 42% does not mean that I will always be. Why do people have such a negative stigma on being single? Hate to say it the church even contributes to it...amongst other things, but that is another post in itself.
I know my thoughts were all over the place in this post, but just needed to get it out.
This is the second post I attempted to write today...first post is on the backburner for now, it just wasn't flowing right. Hopefully this one will go better...
This morning I was catching up on the blogs that I did not read over the holidays. A lot of them were about resolutions they were making for the new year and recaps of 2009. This got me to thinking or gave me inspiration. Do I want to do a resolution? NOPE! Do I want to recap the joys and pains that I have had over the past year?? NOPE!! So what will I do....
I have decided to start a vision book. I started this project with the kids I mentor and said I would do one also, but I never did. I have started to do more research to get some ideas of how to work on it. I almost said a vision board, but I don't think a board, or a single poster board would be enough for what I want to do. Habbakuk 2:2 says "Write the vision, and make it plain..." This is what I am doing. I think seeing it written down gives you a level of accountability and inspiration. Making it into a book gives it some creativity and gives you something to work on and puts images and ideas in front of you.
I started to say a vision book for my life or myself, but my vision goes beyond me, and beyond my life. I think everyone should leave a legacy. I think too often people think about themselves too often and they don't think about how their actions affect other people. One thing that I think about is generations to come...What I do can make an impact on people who are born long after I am gone. Everyone leaves an impact in this world, rather it be big or small, bad or good. Question becomes what legacy are you leaving????
This morning I picked up some items to start on my vision book (with a gift card from Christmas...one vision I have is to be debt free!!!) and I am excited about starting on it tonight. After work I am going to pick up a couple of more things (with more gift cards) and then I will have a great start.
2010 will be a new year. Don't know all that it holds, but I am excited!! I am excited for what the rest of 2009 brings! One of my college classmates who has been through a lot this year posted this in her status today and it inspired me. I will leave you with this...
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
What is your vision? What is in store for you in 2010?
This past Sunday at church a couple of us were having a conversation in between services and a college friend of mine made a statement that me think back to a blog post I read several months ago. Check it out here.
In the conversation a couple of females were talking and one male. The statement was made out of frustration of being single. She made the statement sarcastically that men don't want a woman who has her stuff together...own house, own car, educated, and so on....This got me to thinking.
What do men want in a mate or wife? Just because a woman has a house, a car, and is educated, does that make a woman a good wife? A mate needs to be stable and have certain qualities, but I do think more people look at relationships more like business mergers, and less like love. People want to be the "power couple," but is love in the equation???
If you think about the qualities that make a good mother and a good wife having a Ph.D., JD, Masters, even just having a Bachelor's degree does not mean you can be a good wife or mother? I think back to hearing and seeing stories of couples that have been married for 50 years or more...and most of them barely had a high school education. Yes the grew up in different times, but they had successful marriages and loved each other.
So my question is what makes a good wife, husband, or mate?
This morning when I woke up I had an email alert that someone added me on twitter. What was interesting was it was a person that I knew in real life. This was weird to me...why??? I tell no one about my twitter page. I sometimes mention that I have one, but don't invite people to add me or tell them my screenname. I have a few people I know in real life that are friends of mine on twitter, but we rarely talk on twitter and most of them do not use twitter anymore. I don't have my real name on twitter and I only use my first name on twitter so when you search for me you can't find me.
With this being said I really debated about letting people know about my blog. I mean I use to have a link on my facebook page and I use to occassionally post links to my post, but I stopped when work, family, and facebook intersected. I sometimes have the desire to share my posts, but I don't want people reading my other posts and start asking questions.
My thoughts can be random, my thoughts can be skewed, but they are my thoughts and my feelings and sometimes I feel people are not ready to understand or process my thoughts. The other day I added my godmother to my facebook page which was cool, I have nothing bad on the page, but a situation came up. She sent me a message (which was asked by mother looking at my page with her) asking why did I not have pictures of one of my close friends on my page (which I did). This did not bother me, but made me think....I don't want everyone close to me know everything about me.
My recent posts have been personal. More than I have shared with a lot of people. I can only imagine what some people that are close to me would think if they read my blog and put two and two together??? I mean people have pieces to the puzzle, but the blog would be like the final piece....not cool. In a previous blog I have talked about some of the issues I have been having and conversations with friends. I have thought about letting that friend know about the blog and it might help the person understand better what I have been trying to say lately.
I know the thoughts above are kind of random, but they all are thoughts that I have had about telling people I know about my blog and my twitter page. Will they take the time to read it? Will they care? Don't know, but for now...my twitter and blog remain my place of freedom (as free or as open as I can be).
Okay this is a random post for today. I asked the question earlier on twitter what would you do if you did not have your cell phone or blackberry for one day...one day??? Could you survive?
I mean we have become so dependent on our "crackberries" and out smartphones. I recently bought the new Samsung Moment and I love it!!! I mean I had been a blackberry user for a while and now I am hooked on the android market. I have my life on my phone. My numbers, my schedule, facebook, twitter, games, and even a (not the only one) Bible on there. Almost anything that I need I can access using my phone. If I don't know something google it. I have most of my email accounts connected to it. I know no one's phone number, sad I know. I don't even know my mother's phone number.
We have become so dependent on our cell phones and mobile devices. I laugh at one of my friends because she has a Motorola Razor and refuses to get a smart phone...why??? She jus wans a phone, is there something wrong with that? To actually use a phone just for a phone?
Now that I subscribe to so many blogs, my phone helps me manage them. Somedays when I come home I have 67 blogs to read and this is just after being away from my computer for a few hours. One time I was out of town for a few days and did not take my laptop with me and did not check my blogs on my blackberry...over a span of 3 or 4 day I had gathered over 400 blogs to catch upon. CRAZY!!! I know...but this is one thing I am thankful I can use my phone for.
Could I survive without my phone for a day...yes, but would it be easy, doubt it. I am thinking about trying to do it, and see what happens....
This morning I was working out with my trainer and what was funny was that he brought up a topic that I had been having with one of my friends lately. Standards in relationship and what you want in a mate. My trainer made the statement that a lot of women want a thug, someone who does not treat them right, someone who has no standards....
I begged to differ with him. I explained to him, yes there are some women who like that, but I think there are a lot of women who don't want that and that are passed by because they do not fit this image that a man has created. I have seen in so many settings...church, out to dinner with friends, club, bar, and other venues where men who say that want a "good" woman will gravitate to the woman who looks good, but may not have any other qualities that he ultimately wants in a mate.
This past weekend a friend had a book discussion on Hill Harper's most recent book about relationships in the African American community. One major them that came up was where has "black love" gone or what is the true definition of "black love." I did find it interesting that both men and women stated that they wanted a man or woman who can basically hold it down in the board room, but they know if they were put in a situation that needed that their mate would be a "thug" or a "ride or die chick." Now I don't disagree with that statement, but I don't think that should be a major requirement. Maybe I have lived a sheltered life and I am not saying things do not happen, but I do think you can avoid situations that need that type of person. Yes things happen in life that are unexpected, but somethings you don't have to experience by making the right choices. I am 29 years old and I have never had the fear of being arrested, hemmed up in a situation that I think I might not a "thug" to handle business. You understand?
What I want in a mate might be totally different that what most people want in a mate, but I do know that I do not want a bad guy, I do not want a guy that I am afraid to walk down the street with or be alone with, I do not want a guy that I can not take home to family and friends without being embarrassed. With this being said....my trainer stated that most women want this....in my circle I find that not to be true. Most of my friends are cool, down to earth, nice, some are a little wild (in a good way), intelligent women....some are in relationships, some are married, some are single, but most do not want a thug in their life.
So my question, Do women really want a thug or do I live in a delusional world?
Okay....I have been going through a lot lately and honestly I don't know how to express it. I have long phone conversations with a friend, with the majority of the time I am crying. I have 1-2 hour text messaging conversations getting things out. I have long facebook chats with a friend. What is sad I still feel the same way and honestly I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.
This morning I responded to a text with a series of 4 texts (150 character limit gets me) and person responded with a phone call. I was not expecting phone call cause it was 6:30 in the morning. I am an early morning person, but most of my friends are not. I just thought the person would read the texts when they woke up and then respond....I guess the texts woke them up (my alerts are never that loud). Well anyway. We had a convo and got some more things out, but guess what...still feel the same way. I explained to the person that I know how I should feel and what I should do...but that I can't feel or do that right now.
I always try to have a positive outlook and try to see the best in every situation, but right now I don't feel like it. What was so interesting my pastor on Sunday preached from Galatians 6:9...Really got to me. Because that is exactly how I was feeling. What is sad is, and I guess where I am right now is I am frustrated. Like I told my friend I can give you the answer of what you want to hear, or what I should do, but I would just be lying to you and just saying what you want to hear.
My feelings right now are all over the place and most people can not understand what I am going through. Have you ever been in a point in your life where you are happy and things are going well, but there is one area of your life that frustrates you beyond belief??? I think that is where I am at now. When I discuss the topic you would think that life sucks, but it doesn't. I am honestly at a great point in my life....except that one thing. ARGHHH!!!!
Okay...I am done. Need to get back to work, several things I need to finish before I leave today. I think I am going to open up tomorrow, more than I have done with alot of people that know me personally. I can always talk around the subject, but I think it will help me if I truly talk about the subject, oh well.
We will see....Hope everyone has a had a great day. I honestly did, should have got more work done, but will start that now.
This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write. A lot has been going on....good and bad. Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.
I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have. One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle. The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating. I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn.
Now on to the pain. Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects. How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change? If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love? I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!!
I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do. It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!
