Why?????

Why do I continue to do this to myself??? I worry and fret over the things that I have no control over.  I need to just relax and let things happen.  Two things in my life right now are up in the air....but honestly what can I do? I can get an answer sooner, I can't worry about the outcome, I just have to continue to live life and if it happens....it happens.

I always do this to myself and I hate when I do it.  I had to stop in blog about it to process it out because I am really stressing myself out.  I mean it is becoming hard for me to focus at work, I am contemplating some things that I never thought I would contemplate, and I am crying when there is no need to. 

I have these emotions and feelings that I can't express and it is killin me!!!! I mean I keep asking myself why do this to myself? I am learning to be patient and learning to wait....it is hard.  What is sad is I know the outcome....the question is when will it happen, and I think to me that is worse.  It is like knowing you are about to give birth.  You know the baby will be born and closer to the date you are like is today the day?  How much longer do I have to wait?

I think I have written enough to calm me down and hopefully I can focus for the last hour of my main job.  I have to remain focused and get myself together!!!! Hopefully I will have answers soon.

Do you expect too much out of a mate????

Last night at church we had "Women's Night Out #2" which was a discussion on relationships, men, and women.  It was interesting...I mean I have a unique perspective on relationships (really want to blog about it...not ready yet) and I guess I listened to the advice given, but I always have a different view than most people.

One thing that is a topic that always comes up is expectations of the person you want to be with. People have this image, or vision for the "perfect" person for them...but does that person exist?  I am not saying have expectations or lower your expectations, but do people have realistic expectations for a mate?  Does one flaw discount a person from being "the one?"  Not everybody will look like Halle Berry and have a perfect compatible personality.  Are looks that important?  If you are married is the person you are with the person you always envisioned for yourself? Are people's expectations actually delusions???

I mean what do you expect in a mate?  What is important to you? Are your expectations realistic???

These are just some questions I ask myself and that I think about....

Meditate

This is one of my favorite songs of all times. I am a huge Out of Eden fan and this was one of the songs that got me hooked on their music.  This song got me through some hard times in college and still helps me get through some things today.  If you just listen to the words and the melodies the song really says something.

I am hitting a critical point in my life and really making some difficult decisions in my life. To others they might not seem big, but to me they are. It could determine where I see my life in a few years, my career, my family, and my friends.  I have been praying and thinking a lot lately and I do think I am coming to a conclusion or the begining of what direction I am going....only God knows what is in store and I am excited about what is going to happen and what is happening.

Decisions.....

This weekend was great, but had a lot of things to think about....I am about to make some tough decisions in my life and honestly I don't know which direction I will take.  I mean I had the next few years of my life all planned out.  I have debated back and forth for a while and finally made the decision to move on in my life....now another opportunity has presented itself...still moving on, but more options.

I am thankful for those options. I am thankful that I am moving forward in my career and that I am meeting challenges head on.  I am not dependent on parents and family as much which is a good thing.  They always have my back, but I don't want to take advantage of family and friends.  I am learning to stand up for what is best for me and not pleasing others.  Sometimes the decisions that I make that are best for me, might not be best for others and I have to realize that is not me being selfish.

Yesterday at church the message was about changing your crowd. It was a great word, and an awesome service.  It made me think about the people in my life that I need to let go of and the people that I should keep around. Not that the people to let go of are bad, but their season in my life has passed.  I have this issue on so many levels...I am loyal to friends to a fault at times and I try to see the good in everybody, and it is very hard for me to let go of people who really have no reason for being in my life right now. I want to surround myself by positive people and forward thinking people.  Friends should not be stagnant.  My circle of friends is small....and is about to get smaller and I am okay with that. 

I am about to make some hard decisions, but they will be decisions that will be better for my life and the direction I am going. God has a plan and I am trying to follow that plan. I have to to stop doubting self and step out on faith...

Loving Myself today!!!

By no means am I conceited, but I am confident. Today is one of those days where I just love being me!!! I tried new products on my hair and I am loving them. Check them out... Mixed Chicks!!! I am having a productive day at work. It is Vandy's homecoming weekend and I am actually going to be social. I have a job interview next week and might be able to work ONE job and keep the lifestyle that I love. I went to the doctor yesterday and my health is good! (not great...still got to lose some weight, working on it) Nothing will stop my joy and happiness today. My goal is to approach each day with this mindset. Life is too short and too great to do otherwise. Got to focus on the positives and let everything else go. God is good! Life is good! I am good!!!

Music I am feeling

This cd is in heavy rotation on the Ipod right now. I love music right now and purchased this yesterday with Mario's new cd and Mario's cd....has not won me over, but Me'shell's has. I think my favorite song is her remake of Love You Down. It's melodies are so smooth and she provides a different take on a song I use to jam to back in high school (I am getting old).

I am still taking the time to listen to the words of the songs because I am caught up in her voice and the melodies right now. Devil's Halo, the title track, is a great instrumental interlude that I am feeling also.

I am no music connoisseur, but I love music, and in my opinion this is a great addition to any collection.

To feel or not to feel....

This weekend I had a lot of fun, but also came to a conclusion in my life about a very hard subject in my life. I am not in a relationship right now....but I do have feelings for two people. I have never been in this place before. What is crazy is that one of the people I could be with if I truly wanted to...but I know that in the long run that me and that person could never be together. The other person I honestly do not know if they feel the same way, but I can't help my feelings about that person. Lets call them person #1 and person # 2...

Person #1 is a great friend. They have my back and we connect on so many levels. There is a physical attraction and an emotional attraction....problem is we are two different people who live in 2 different worlds. We have fun together one on one. We can talk about almost anything. This person knows a lot more about me than most people. My question becomes does my feelings for this person supersede my feelings for others or how others view me? I don't live for others, but me being with this person would cause a rift in several areas in my life.

Person #2 is very similar to person #1....and might even know more about me than person #1. We connect on a different level. We are exact opposites, but alike in so many ways. Once again one on one we are an awesome duo. We have flaws and we accept each other for who we are...but...do they like me the way that I like them....not sure. I mean they know me in and out and the know what I expect from love yet they can't show it to me??? I know this person cares for me, if they felt like I felt all they would have to do is say something...SAY SOMETHING!!!! I don't know if I am reading into statements that have been said.

I just don't know what to do. I am at the point where I just want an answer...yes or no. If we will not be together...cool, I can put it out of my mind and move on.