Defending what you believe in....

I was having a convo with one of my best friends when I left church yesterday and I recurring theme came up....People thinking and knowing for themselves what they believe in.  I will be the first to say that I am not where I think I should be in this, but it is a process and I am learning and reading daily to improve....which I think most people are not.

My friend and I use to go to the same church and did the majority of our college lives and I still go there as an adult. She is now married and lives in Atlanta so she goes to a new church.  One thing that irritates us both is sometimes people will be quick to quote the pastor....but can't quote the Bible.  They will say:

• My pastor says....
• Bishops says....
• Whoever says....

Shall I continue??? My point is people hear things and never question them.  I mean if your pastor told you that your hair was green would you take him at his word or think, hey my hair has always been black, let me go look for myself???  I value the roles of pastors and leaders, but I think people become people followers and they don't study the Bible for themselves.

Now...this being said I strongly believe in respecting other people's faith, religions, and beliefs.  I think more and more of society and the world need to learn to agree to disagree....peacefully.  Everyone has to come to their own understanding and I can't and I will not force my beliefs on someone else and I hope they will respect me the same way.  I do think a problem becomes when people cannot defend what they believe in. 

I can only speak from my perspective, but I think a lot of times Christians are not able to defend their faith...including me in the past (still a process).  If you believe in something you should be able to defend what you believe with a valid argument.  If I make the statement that private school kids are smarter than public school kids I need to be able to show documentation and test scores to prove it (I don't believe this...I am a public school kid!). But I should not just make a blanket statement or believe in something that I am not able to back up.

I think I am done...just wanted to pose the question are you able to defend what you believe in?

Why?????

Why do I continue to do this to myself??? I worry and fret over the things that I have no control over.  I need to just relax and let things happen.  Two things in my life right now are up in the air....but honestly what can I do? I can get an answer sooner, I can't worry about the outcome, I just have to continue to live life and if it happens....it happens.

I always do this to myself and I hate when I do it.  I had to stop in blog about it to process it out because I am really stressing myself out.  I mean it is becoming hard for me to focus at work, I am contemplating some things that I never thought I would contemplate, and I am crying when there is no need to. 

I have these emotions and feelings that I can't express and it is killin me!!!! I mean I keep asking myself why do this to myself? I am learning to be patient and learning to wait....it is hard.  What is sad is I know the outcome....the question is when will it happen, and I think to me that is worse.  It is like knowing you are about to give birth.  You know the baby will be born and closer to the date you are like is today the day?  How much longer do I have to wait?

I think I have written enough to calm me down and hopefully I can focus for the last hour of my main job.  I have to remain focused and get myself together!!!! Hopefully I will have answers soon.

Do you expect too much out of a mate????

Last night at church we had "Women's Night Out #2" which was a discussion on relationships, men, and women.  It was interesting...I mean I have a unique perspective on relationships (really want to blog about it...not ready yet) and I guess I listened to the advice given, but I always have a different view than most people.

One thing that is a topic that always comes up is expectations of the person you want to be with. People have this image, or vision for the "perfect" person for them...but does that person exist?  I am not saying have expectations or lower your expectations, but do people have realistic expectations for a mate?  Does one flaw discount a person from being "the one?"  Not everybody will look like Halle Berry and have a perfect compatible personality.  Are looks that important?  If you are married is the person you are with the person you always envisioned for yourself? Are people's expectations actually delusions???

I mean what do you expect in a mate?  What is important to you? Are your expectations realistic???

These are just some questions I ask myself and that I think about....

Meditate

This is one of my favorite songs of all times. I am a huge Out of Eden fan and this was one of the songs that got me hooked on their music.  This song got me through some hard times in college and still helps me get through some things today.  If you just listen to the words and the melodies the song really says something.

I am hitting a critical point in my life and really making some difficult decisions in my life. To others they might not seem big, but to me they are. It could determine where I see my life in a few years, my career, my family, and my friends.  I have been praying and thinking a lot lately and I do think I am coming to a conclusion or the begining of what direction I am going....only God knows what is in store and I am excited about what is going to happen and what is happening.

Decisions.....

This weekend was great, but had a lot of things to think about....I am about to make some tough decisions in my life and honestly I don't know which direction I will take.  I mean I had the next few years of my life all planned out.  I have debated back and forth for a while and finally made the decision to move on in my life....now another opportunity has presented itself...still moving on, but more options.

I am thankful for those options. I am thankful that I am moving forward in my career and that I am meeting challenges head on.  I am not dependent on parents and family as much which is a good thing.  They always have my back, but I don't want to take advantage of family and friends.  I am learning to stand up for what is best for me and not pleasing others.  Sometimes the decisions that I make that are best for me, might not be best for others and I have to realize that is not me being selfish.

Yesterday at church the message was about changing your crowd. It was a great word, and an awesome service.  It made me think about the people in my life that I need to let go of and the people that I should keep around. Not that the people to let go of are bad, but their season in my life has passed.  I have this issue on so many levels...I am loyal to friends to a fault at times and I try to see the good in everybody, and it is very hard for me to let go of people who really have no reason for being in my life right now. I want to surround myself by positive people and forward thinking people.  Friends should not be stagnant.  My circle of friends is small....and is about to get smaller and I am okay with that. 

I am about to make some hard decisions, but they will be decisions that will be better for my life and the direction I am going. God has a plan and I am trying to follow that plan. I have to to stop doubting self and step out on faith...

Loving Myself today!!!

By no means am I conceited, but I am confident. Today is one of those days where I just love being me!!! I tried new products on my hair and I am loving them. Check them out... Mixed Chicks!!! I am having a productive day at work. It is Vandy's homecoming weekend and I am actually going to be social. I have a job interview next week and might be able to work ONE job and keep the lifestyle that I love. I went to the doctor yesterday and my health is good! (not great...still got to lose some weight, working on it) Nothing will stop my joy and happiness today. My goal is to approach each day with this mindset. Life is too short and too great to do otherwise. Got to focus on the positives and let everything else go. God is good! Life is good! I am good!!!

Music I am feeling

This cd is in heavy rotation on the Ipod right now. I love music right now and purchased this yesterday with Mario's new cd and Mario's cd....has not won me over, but Me'shell's has. I think my favorite song is her remake of Love You Down. It's melodies are so smooth and she provides a different take on a song I use to jam to back in high school (I am getting old).

I am still taking the time to listen to the words of the songs because I am caught up in her voice and the melodies right now. Devil's Halo, the title track, is a great instrumental interlude that I am feeling also.

I am no music connoisseur, but I love music, and in my opinion this is a great addition to any collection.

To feel or not to feel....

This weekend I had a lot of fun, but also came to a conclusion in my life about a very hard subject in my life. I am not in a relationship right now....but I do have feelings for two people. I have never been in this place before. What is crazy is that one of the people I could be with if I truly wanted to...but I know that in the long run that me and that person could never be together. The other person I honestly do not know if they feel the same way, but I can't help my feelings about that person. Lets call them person #1 and person # 2...

Person #1 is a great friend. They have my back and we connect on so many levels. There is a physical attraction and an emotional attraction....problem is we are two different people who live in 2 different worlds. We have fun together one on one. We can talk about almost anything. This person knows a lot more about me than most people. My question becomes does my feelings for this person supersede my feelings for others or how others view me? I don't live for others, but me being with this person would cause a rift in several areas in my life.

Person #2 is very similar to person #1....and might even know more about me than person #1. We connect on a different level. We are exact opposites, but alike in so many ways. Once again one on one we are an awesome duo. We have flaws and we accept each other for who we are...but...do they like me the way that I like them....not sure. I mean they know me in and out and the know what I expect from love yet they can't show it to me??? I know this person cares for me, if they felt like I felt all they would have to do is say something...SAY SOMETHING!!!! I don't know if I am reading into statements that have been said.

I just don't know what to do. I am at the point where I just want an answer...yes or no. If we will not be together...cool, I can put it out of my mind and move on.

Kids on Youtube...Please be a parent!!!!

This morning when I came into work I was checking my facebook account and was looking at the various links that some of my friends posted. I did not plan on writing a blog this early....but was inspired, or better yet disturbed at what I saw, or what I have been seeing.

There were two videos of children, no toddlers, no BABIES....doing outrageous things. I was like are you serious? I mean it is not funny, it is not cute, it is actually sad. I mean why do adults, I would say parents, but to me parents would not let their children be encouraged for foolishness, record and post this stuff online??? They want 15 minutes of fame?

Now I am all for positive images and encouraging children to use their gifts and talents. I am all for entertainment that is funny, but to let a child do whatever? To show a child that obviously doing something bad and encouraging the behavior? I remember back in the day there was joke that said it was sad that a child could tootsie roll, but could not read....the tradition still goes. But why????

Why is a ghetto mindset encouraged...and sad to say this not a "black" issue. I have seen youtube clips of all races of kids. Then we wonder what is wrong with society or what is wrong with kids today. Seeing a baby in a diaper drop it like it is hot is not cute. Seeing a child curse out their parent or another child is not cute. Seeing two children grinding on each other is not cute. Seeing a child curse out their parent is not cute. Seeing a child hit or fight someone else is not cute.

Okay....I think I am done venting. To end on a positive note. A positive clip on youtube. These boys are too cute. They are singing and enjoying a Popsicle...then running of to jump on trampoline...what kids should be doing at that age.

Life Before Social Networking Sites

Today twitter has been down ALL morning....Now this has caused a problem....It has forced me to be more productive at work...HOW RUDE!!!!

This morning I deleted my myspace page which I have had for several years. A couple of days ago I deleted my blackplanet page which I have had since FRESHMAN year of college....that has been ages!!!! I remember the various other sites I have used in the past...collegeclub, friendster, classmates, and a few more, but now I use none of them.

What did we do before all of these social networking sites???

This is the question I have asked myself lately. I guess we actually did work. I mean all of these sites started while I was in college, but I can only imagine the distraction it would have been if they were as big then as they are big now. I know for a while my current job blocked facebook and that caused me to be more productive...not to say I am not productive now, but I know I spend more time on facebook than I should. I am thankful for the option of letting select people see that you are online (my boss is a friend on facebook...she is cool, but don't want to push it).

When my internet goes down at work I am lost (not literally, but you get my drift). So much of my work is research and looking up stuff and journals online when it goes down I am screwed...a blackberry can only do so much. Then I can't communicate through my social networking sites...not cool!!

One time I tried to go one week without checking facebook....it lasted a couple of days. I think it is a mjor way that people communicate now. I think about my blogger page and my google reader that manages my blogs I read (my job is bootleg and blocks sites...reader allows me to read the blocked sites) it is one site that I think if I tried to give up for a week it would be crazy!!! This morning when I woke up I had 40 blogs to read and that is just from about 5 hours of sleep...Imagine if I took off for a week and did not catch up on my blogs.

I was hearing about a spa or vacation resort out west that takes your blackberry and cell phone when you check in. Can you imagine no communication via email, cell phone or networking sites??? What is sad a few years ago that is how we lived.

My 100th Post!!!!

Guess what post this is??? Yesterday was a bad day for me, but I am determined to make this day a better one....so far so good. Since this is my 100th post I really have no idea what to write about. I looked back at my first post on August 31, 2007...that seems like it was forever ago. I have done this blog thing off and on since then, but have become more consistent with it over the past year.

Looking at my first post. I have actually continued to encompass what I set out to do with this blog. Write about my random thoughts and feelings that I can not express to people closest to me. The blog is entitled If You Only Knew.... Most people don't and that is still true to this day. I sometimes ask myself do people really want to know the real you?? I mean not that you are fake, but what if everyone knew EVERYTHING that is going on in your mind and your though process...are they ready....doubt it!

Just my thoughts. Yes my view of the world, people, and life does not always fit the norm, and not everyone might agree with me, but that is how I feel. I am still on a journey of growth and understanding about so many things...I am loving the direction I am good. I have set backs, but I learn from them and move on.

Thanks to all that read, who comment, who don't comment. A few posts ago I wrote about why I blog and the more I blog the more I realize why...it helps me if no one else. Those of who you who enjoy my blog I am glad. I will continue to post, continue to vent, and continue to grow...Would love feedback and love suggestions.

Have a great day!!! I know I am trying too!!!

Not Having a Good Day :-(

I had a post I really wanted to put up today, but could not find the strength to finish it. Not having a very good day...I do not like when I get moods like this. I am realizing people have to admit when they are in these moods...I can't be happy and cheery all the time.

I hope I get out of this funk soon. I know what I want to do....but I know I should not do it. I know who I want to call....but I know I really don't need to talk to that person right now. I am in one of those moods where I am tired of doing the right thing and really want to do the wrong thing...I have to resist temptation.

That is all I have to say for now...I do hope tomorrow will be better

Totally random free flowing thoughts right now....

Don't know if anything I write makes sense...but just typing whatever comes to mind...might not go together at all...OH WELL!!!!


Okay...I am having a very bad case of the Mondays!!!! This morning I woke up at the butt crack of dawn like I usually do, but today I felt like doing nothing...I mean I got up and cooked, but go to work...really did not want to at all. Then everything at work is irritating the crap out of me. That is not good.

I get in moods where I get tired of a job and I hope I am not getting in that mood. I love what I do and love how I help people....but today for some reason I am very frustrated. I am not looking for a new job nor do I want a new job, but I just sometimes feel that there is more that I can do. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and sometimes I question if what I am doing is what I want to do for the rest of my life? I love my coworkers and boss (most of the time) but for some reason today I will do not want to be bothered with them.

I had a great relaxing weekend and wish it could have been longer...Oh well. What did I do this weekend???? NOTHING!!!! I don't get to do that that often which was great. Did things not get done, of course...I will do them later maybe throughout the week.

I tried these new products on my hair this weekend, Mixed Chicks. I think I really like them, although I am not mixed, my hair is naturally curly and it worked wonders!!!! The shop was out of it so they gave me samples...I am on call list when the new shipment comes in. Only one store in Nashville sales it, but fortunately it is around the corner from my place!!!





I vented about my job which I try not to do, never know who is reading, but oh well. Now I will vent about people that I mentor with. Some people just frustrate me so much...I can't and will not be over every project that is set forth...do I want it to be a mess, not but it is not my responsibility to oversee everything. I use to be like let me step in, but I will not. I do not think tonight will be a mess....but if it is I won't be surprised. Order??? Is that too much to ask.

I know I should not let people get to me that don't know any better, but is it my fault that you are slow functioning. Now I always check myself because my mom says I can be stuck up and look down on people....which is not true. I can be bougie (never thought the word was spelled right) but I think all people deserve respect, but stupidness should not be tolerated. Laziness is not acceptable??? I hate to see things that I am in charge of a mess and feel that everyone should feel the same way!!! Might be wrong about my feelings....working on it, but no one else has convinced me that I am wrong.

This Sunday at church the guy the plays the piano sounded so beautiful... He is on facebook and I so want to add him, but I do not know him like that. Some of my other friends have added him, but until we are introduced formally....I will not.

Okay....I think I am done typing my random thoughts....if the layout is jacked up I will try to correct it, not very good at this. This is me procrastinating at work...Luckily a friend and I are going out to lunch!!!!

Needed a Laugh

A few days ago I wrote about the health of my grandmother. She is doing better, but she is 89 and still has a long way to go. She is adjusting to being in a nursing home slowly, but she still hates it, but we know it is for her best....Well this weekend my mother went to visit her and she was having a conversation with her to jog her memory and this is how the conversation went. ( I personally don't like to curse...but for thist story it is must):

Mom: How do you spell your name?

Grandma: S-H-I-T

Another Lady in Nursing home: Hi Ms. Shit! (as she smiles)

Everytime I think about this story I laugh....Brings me humor in a rough situation.

Quote that touched me today....

One of my mentors is a celibate monk, and he says we can live without sex but we can't live without love. And there are a lot of people who have a lot of sex and never experience love, and people who never have sex [but] have deep experiences of intimacy and love.

-Shane Clairborne