I don't always make sense, but I blog to vent. If people knew all the things that were going on in my head they would be shocked...not a bad shock, but a surprising shock.
I was having a text conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago about an issue I was having. She left me with the statement:
CLARITY + CLOSURE = PEACE
This statement seems so simple and makes sense, but what if you never get closure? What if you never get the answer to your questions or resolve the issue? Are you able to let it go? Closure can come in various forms, but if it does come in the way that you want it to???
A couple of years ago, my father passed away. It was unexpected and I was shocked. We were not on the best of terms, but I was at peace about the situation. Is this the closure I wanted for my father, no. There were things left unsaid and questions still not answered to this day, but I am at peace about the situation. I had to find closure in a different way. I always thought my father and I would talk things out, he would get his life together, and things would get better...not back to the way it use to be, but better.
I think people going their whole lives looking for their form of closure and sometimes never reach it. Tonight I am going to have a closure for myself. I know how I want it to end...but I am ready for closure in other ways. Even if it means spending time alone, losing a friend, changing my life as I know it and have become comfortable with.
Tonight will be a great night. I am excited and scared, but I know whatever happens tonight it will be for the best!!!
Yesterday I found it interesting that several of my friends on facebook and a few of my twitter friends commented and/or posted on the dateline piece that you can watch below.
I became very irritated by it and actually refused to watch it, but then I remembered something an older cousin of mine told me...you can't really comment or defend your argument against something unless you know exactly what it is about. Funny...while I was typing this blog, another blog post I read posted something similar. So I finally decided to watch it, and no surprise to me I was still irritated by the story...and this is why.
A few post ago I was talking about how I was feeling and the pain I was happening in my life. Did not go into all the details, but will reveal some of it now. I once did a post about random things about me and did not reveal the one thing that I don't tell most people about me....I have never been in a relationship or dated. Usually when I tell people they are shocked and in disbelief so I try not to put it out there unless it is blatantly asked in a question that I can't get a round, because I try not to lie. This causes mixed emotions for me, but I have learned to deal with them, the good and the bad. Have I ever been approached...yes, and honestly by men and women. Have I ever been attracted to someone...yes, but they have not felt the same way, and these people have been few (can count on one hand). Am I happy being single, at this point in my life yes, do I want to be in a relationship, yes, when the right person comes along....which leads me to why I am irritated with the post.
The clip and the women had one major flaw that I saw....Just because you are successful and are an "independent woman" does not make you a woman that a man wants to be with. Just because a man is "successful" does not make him the man that is for you. The clip also brought about statistics about black men in America...which might be true, but why do you have to limit yourself to black men? Yes that is what I have thoughts of the majority of my life, but why should I limit myself because of other's preconceived notions of who the perfect person for me would be??? I am of the mindset when it is time for me to be in a relationship, when it is time for me to get married....it will happen. I think too many people approach relationships as a business merger, which is not always good. What I want in a mate is not always demonstrated from a person's degree. Also in the clip...just because you don't fit what society says is beautiful and successful does that not mean you can't have love??? Every woman on there was described as beautiful, had great careers, and had all these "things," but once again, there are people in the world who don't have any of those and have love and marriages that have stood the test of time!!
I know what I have to offer in a relationship and the right person will value that and appreciate that. I recently realized I loved someone and could not decide if that love was more than a friend, because I know what I offer and that person could not see it so I can't continue to feed into someone who does not see that. It hurts, but I am getting better. I have said this time and time again...saying you love me needs to be followed up with actions, words are just words. I am single and good, which does not mean that I don't desire a relationship, but does not mean that I am walking around pitiful thinking about when will I get married and that might my life is incomplete without marriage...so not true. I have not always felt this way and sometimes I wonder when it will happen, but I can't lose faith that it can and will happen.
Just because I am apart of the 42% does not mean that I will always be. Why do people have such a negative stigma on being single? Hate to say it the church even contributes to it...amongst other things, but that is another post in itself.
I know my thoughts were all over the place in this post, but just needed to get it out.
This is the second post I attempted to write today...first post is on the backburner for now, it just wasn't flowing right. Hopefully this one will go better...
This morning I was catching up on the blogs that I did not read over the holidays. A lot of them were about resolutions they were making for the new year and recaps of 2009. This got me to thinking or gave me inspiration. Do I want to do a resolution? NOPE! Do I want to recap the joys and pains that I have had over the past year?? NOPE!! So what will I do....
I have decided to start a vision book. I started this project with the kids I mentor and said I would do one also, but I never did. I have started to do more research to get some ideas of how to work on it. I almost said a vision board, but I don't think a board, or a single poster board would be enough for what I want to do. Habbakuk 2:2 says "Write the vision, and make it plain..." This is what I am doing. I think seeing it written down gives you a level of accountability and inspiration. Making it into a book gives it some creativity and gives you something to work on and puts images and ideas in front of you.
I started to say a vision book for my life or myself, but my vision goes beyond me, and beyond my life. I think everyone should leave a legacy. I think too often people think about themselves too often and they don't think about how their actions affect other people. One thing that I think about is generations to come...What I do can make an impact on people who are born long after I am gone. Everyone leaves an impact in this world, rather it be big or small, bad or good. Question becomes what legacy are you leaving????
This morning I picked up some items to start on my vision book (with a gift card from Christmas...one vision I have is to be debt free!!!) and I am excited about starting on it tonight. After work I am going to pick up a couple of more things (with more gift cards) and then I will have a great start.
2010 will be a new year. Don't know all that it holds, but I am excited!! I am excited for what the rest of 2009 brings! One of my college classmates who has been through a lot this year posted this in her status today and it inspired me. I will leave you with this...
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
What is your vision? What is in store for you in 2010?
This past Sunday at church a couple of us were having a conversation in between services and a college friend of mine made a statement that me think back to a blog post I read several months ago. Check it out here.
In the conversation a couple of females were talking and one male. The statement was made out of frustration of being single. She made the statement sarcastically that men don't want a woman who has her stuff together...own house, own car, educated, and so on....This got me to thinking.
What do men want in a mate or wife? Just because a woman has a house, a car, and is educated, does that make a woman a good wife? A mate needs to be stable and have certain qualities, but I do think more people look at relationships more like business mergers, and less like love. People want to be the "power couple," but is love in the equation???
If you think about the qualities that make a good mother and a good wife having a Ph.D., JD, Masters, even just having a Bachelor's degree does not mean you can be a good wife or mother? I think back to hearing and seeing stories of couples that have been married for 50 years or more...and most of them barely had a high school education. Yes the grew up in different times, but they had successful marriages and loved each other.
So my question is what makes a good wife, husband, or mate?
This morning when I woke up I had an email alert that someone added me on twitter. What was interesting was it was a person that I knew in real life. This was weird to me...why??? I tell no one about my twitter page. I sometimes mention that I have one, but don't invite people to add me or tell them my screenname. I have a few people I know in real life that are friends of mine on twitter, but we rarely talk on twitter and most of them do not use twitter anymore. I don't have my real name on twitter and I only use my first name on twitter so when you search for me you can't find me.
With this being said I really debated about letting people know about my blog. I mean I use to have a link on my facebook page and I use to occassionally post links to my post, but I stopped when work, family, and facebook intersected. I sometimes have the desire to share my posts, but I don't want people reading my other posts and start asking questions.
My thoughts can be random, my thoughts can be skewed, but they are my thoughts and my feelings and sometimes I feel people are not ready to understand or process my thoughts. The other day I added my godmother to my facebook page which was cool, I have nothing bad on the page, but a situation came up. She sent me a message (which was asked by mother looking at my page with her) asking why did I not have pictures of one of my close friends on my page (which I did). This did not bother me, but made me think....I don't want everyone close to me know everything about me.
My recent posts have been personal. More than I have shared with a lot of people. I can only imagine what some people that are close to me would think if they read my blog and put two and two together??? I mean people have pieces to the puzzle, but the blog would be like the final piece....not cool. In a previous blog I have talked about some of the issues I have been having and conversations with friends. I have thought about letting that friend know about the blog and it might help the person understand better what I have been trying to say lately.
I know the thoughts above are kind of random, but they all are thoughts that I have had about telling people I know about my blog and my twitter page. Will they take the time to read it? Will they care? Don't know, but for now...my twitter and blog remain my place of freedom (as free or as open as I can be).
Okay this is a random post for today. I asked the question earlier on twitter what would you do if you did not have your cell phone or blackberry for one day...one day??? Could you survive?
I mean we have become so dependent on our "crackberries" and out smartphones. I recently bought the new Samsung Moment and I love it!!! I mean I had been a blackberry user for a while and now I am hooked on the android market. I have my life on my phone. My numbers, my schedule, facebook, twitter, games, and even a (not the only one) Bible on there. Almost anything that I need I can access using my phone. If I don't know something google it. I have most of my email accounts connected to it. I know no one's phone number, sad I know. I don't even know my mother's phone number.
We have become so dependent on our cell phones and mobile devices. I laugh at one of my friends because she has a Motorola Razor and refuses to get a smart phone...why??? She jus wans a phone, is there something wrong with that? To actually use a phone just for a phone?
Now that I subscribe to so many blogs, my phone helps me manage them. Somedays when I come home I have 67 blogs to read and this is just after being away from my computer for a few hours. One time I was out of town for a few days and did not take my laptop with me and did not check my blogs on my blackberry...over a span of 3 or 4 day I had gathered over 400 blogs to catch upon. CRAZY!!! I know...but this is one thing I am thankful I can use my phone for.
Could I survive without my phone for a day...yes, but would it be easy, doubt it. I am thinking about trying to do it, and see what happens....
This morning I was working out with my trainer and what was funny was that he brought up a topic that I had been having with one of my friends lately. Standards in relationship and what you want in a mate. My trainer made the statement that a lot of women want a thug, someone who does not treat them right, someone who has no standards....
I begged to differ with him. I explained to him, yes there are some women who like that, but I think there are a lot of women who don't want that and that are passed by because they do not fit this image that a man has created. I have seen in so many settings...church, out to dinner with friends, club, bar, and other venues where men who say that want a "good" woman will gravitate to the woman who looks good, but may not have any other qualities that he ultimately wants in a mate.
This past weekend a friend had a book discussion on Hill Harper's most recent book about relationships in the African American community. One major them that came up was where has "black love" gone or what is the true definition of "black love." I did find it interesting that both men and women stated that they wanted a man or woman who can basically hold it down in the board room, but they know if they were put in a situation that needed that their mate would be a "thug" or a "ride or die chick." Now I don't disagree with that statement, but I don't think that should be a major requirement. Maybe I have lived a sheltered life and I am not saying things do not happen, but I do think you can avoid situations that need that type of person. Yes things happen in life that are unexpected, but somethings you don't have to experience by making the right choices. I am 29 years old and I have never had the fear of being arrested, hemmed up in a situation that I think I might not a "thug" to handle business. You understand?
What I want in a mate might be totally different that what most people want in a mate, but I do know that I do not want a bad guy, I do not want a guy that I am afraid to walk down the street with or be alone with, I do not want a guy that I can not take home to family and friends without being embarrassed. With this being said....my trainer stated that most women want this....in my circle I find that not to be true. Most of my friends are cool, down to earth, nice, some are a little wild (in a good way), intelligent women....some are in relationships, some are married, some are single, but most do not want a thug in their life.
So my question, Do women really want a thug or do I live in a delusional world?
Okay....I have been going through a lot lately and honestly I don't know how to express it. I have long phone conversations with a friend, with the majority of the time I am crying. I have 1-2 hour text messaging conversations getting things out. I have long facebook chats with a friend. What is sad I still feel the same way and honestly I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.
This morning I responded to a text with a series of 4 texts (150 character limit gets me) and person responded with a phone call. I was not expecting phone call cause it was 6:30 in the morning. I am an early morning person, but most of my friends are not. I just thought the person would read the texts when they woke up and then respond....I guess the texts woke them up (my alerts are never that loud). Well anyway. We had a convo and got some more things out, but guess what...still feel the same way. I explained to the person that I know how I should feel and what I should do...but that I can't feel or do that right now.
I always try to have a positive outlook and try to see the best in every situation, but right now I don't feel like it. What was so interesting my pastor on Sunday preached from Galatians 6:9...Really got to me. Because that is exactly how I was feeling. What is sad is, and I guess where I am right now is I am frustrated. Like I told my friend I can give you the answer of what you want to hear, or what I should do, but I would just be lying to you and just saying what you want to hear.
My feelings right now are all over the place and most people can not understand what I am going through. Have you ever been in a point in your life where you are happy and things are going well, but there is one area of your life that frustrates you beyond belief??? I think that is where I am at now. When I discuss the topic you would think that life sucks, but it doesn't. I am honestly at a great point in my life....except that one thing. ARGHHH!!!!
Okay...I am done. Need to get back to work, several things I need to finish before I leave today. I think I am going to open up tomorrow, more than I have done with alot of people that know me personally. I can always talk around the subject, but I think it will help me if I truly talk about the subject, oh well.
We will see....Hope everyone has a had a great day. I honestly did, should have got more work done, but will start that now.
This morning I woke up mad early and finally decided to write. A lot has been going on....good and bad. Sometimes I wonder do I over react or take things to seriously....I think not.
I started my new job and I love it. Yes I am going through the tedious training of all new jobs, but I love the reading (although it makes me sleepy sometimes) and the freedom I have. One thing I don't like is clocking in and out. First full time job I have EVER had to do this. I guess it has is pluses because I can get overtime, but making sure you get your exact 40 hours, not being able to rand off your time, remembering to clock in and out for lunch can be a hassle. The research that I have started working on is a new subject for me which is fascinating. I have always worked with breast cancer research studies and this one is more general. I am looking forward to the new skills I am learning and will learn.
Now on to the pain. Has anyone ever said one statement that makes you question everything??? Or realize what you thought was reality is not??? This happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays and I am still dealing with the after effects. How can a person say they love you, but treat you like the step child that no one wants? How can a person say they care and understand and after you explain how you feel they don't acknowledge how they are wrong and do nothing to change? If I tell you I hate when people do "A" why do you continue to do "A." If I tell you I am not doing well, yet you do nothing to help me is that love? I am tired of attempting to explain, I am tired of playing games. You love me show it!!!
I am doing better. The crying has slowed down, but the person still does not understand. I guess I expect them to do what I would do. It will continue to get better. I will see the person to tomorrow, that will be the test. We will see what happens, but anyway it goes...I have to get better. I will be okay!!!
Yesterday was probably the last full day of my current job...I have to go through a series of exit interviews and I started yesterday. When I got out my colleagues (coworkers, boss...whatever you want to call them) had surprised me with a going away party. I was totally shocked. My boss took me out to lunch with the other researcher on her team last week and hadn't planned on anything else.
I have mixed emotions about leaving, but I know what I am doing is what is best for me in the long run...I have had ups and downs and my current job. It was not perfect, but I loved what I did and I actually liked the people that I worked with. Didn't always agree and we all had different styles, but we worked well together. My next job is a step in the direction I want to go in my career in the long term. I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and allowing myself to learn new skills and really get exposed to more things.
I know have becoming increasingly frustrated with the small things that irritate me....but I honestly believe that is because I know I am leaving. I question sometimes should I leave, but I know it is the right decision. I have to do what is best for me. Honestly this job, I don't remember applying for because I was not looking for another full time job. I will not go until details about everything that irritates me about my current job, but trust....I have put up with a lot.
I am moving on and excited. I will keep in contact with my old job they have taught me so much and will use those skills for a long time. I thank God for the experience and look forward to the experiences at my new job.
I was trying to post my often and I have been slacking. I am starting a new job next month and trying to wrap things up at the old one. I have never had so much to do!!! Times like this I wish I could be trifflin and let things go undone....but I can't.
Well anyway, I have still been working out and trying to eat better. My personal trainer is killin me!!! I got on the scale yesterday and I have lost 9 pounds, so that is a start...too many to go, plus it is the holidays. HELP!!!
Overall life is good, but in transition. I am in love...but don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing or if the feeling is recipricol...I might explain in a later blog. Making changes in my life for the better and I am excited and scared all at the same time...
We will see where this path takes me....Life is a series of lessons and I am hoping that I am not failing them and that I don't have to repeat them. Learn from mistakes and move on...my thoughts.
This morning my mother and I had our usual early morning conversation. I was venting frustrations about my job and just talked about plans for today. What surprised me were the words she said in the midst of our conversation. The more I think about those words, the more I am like WOW!!!
Does not matter what she said, but what she made me think about is how the words of a mother, words of a parent can mean so much. The affirmation of a parent can do magnificent things. I began to think about what I can do and what I will do in the near future just because of a few words.
I also thought about the amount of children and even adults to this day who do not get affirmation from their parents and who still seek affirmation from their parents in so many ways....and not all of them good. Can you even imagine what a child can or would have become if their parent(s) told them what they could do? Can you imagine how many children would not be out in the world seeking negative attention just to get affirmation from people who truly don't love them because the people that were supposed to love them ignored them?
These are just my thoughts from a small, but meaningful conversation I had this morning. I am thankful for my mother and all that she has taught me and instilled in me. More than she will ever know. I now think about and pray about the people who are still longing for the affirmation of a parent.
Last night I had a great text convo with a very dear friend...thought it would lead to a phone convo, but it was accomplished in a series of texts. I have asked him the same question several times over and over in our friendship and he always avoids the answer or ends the conversation....this time it was different. He actually responded to my text and did not ignore question and I was completely shocked.
The reason I asked the question was because I have begun to re-evaluate various relationships (friendship, work, associates, and others) in my life and beginning to ask myself why I am in the relationship??? I mean why are people in your life? Are they in it for reason, season, or a lifetime? What good are they bringing to the relationship? Are you bringing any good into the relationship? These are several questions I have asked myself lately and honestly....I do not know the answer for most people in my life, which brings me to my ultimate question...Why are they in my life?
Why do people stay in your life that do you more good than harm? I am realizing, or better yet accepting the fact that it is time to let some people go. I have a handful of friends in my life that I can count on and no matter what I know they have my back. We may not always agree, we may not always get along, but in the end....I love them and they love me and we have each other's best interest in mind. Sometimes the people that you have to let go have done nothing wrong, but their season is up and I am learning to accept that. I can't force people to understand, I can only move on and do what is best for me and my life.
Time to make changes in my life, time for me to be stop being complacent and silent.
Today started first day of working out with a personal trainer. For Christmas (she gave it to me early) my mother gave me 2 months of a personal trainer just to give me a jump start. I am thankful for the gift, but like I said in the last post I have to do this with or without other people's help.
This morning I barely made it to work...I still can't feel my legs, but in the long run it is worth it!!! The personal trainer did his job, eventhough I called him evil and the devil the whole session. In my mind the first day I thought would be just discussing the plan and a light workout...I had jokes!!! He said he was just testing to see where I was, and to me I was at the bottom, but he says I was not the worst he has seen. Gives me hope!
The test is tomorrow. I will wake up and will workout without him. Yes I Can!!!
This is a very hard post for me to write. I was sitting at my desk today and realized something...I am obese. Now...that statement could be looked at weird because how do you just all of a sudden realize you are obese???? That will be the discussion in the rest of this post. I wrote this as an accountability tool to me. I will start off by showing you pictures of me. Not the best pictures, but only ones I could find that show the change....
Now
Then
Yes the then picture I am half the size I am now (yes I said half) and it was taken my senior year of high school. I do realize that I am 29 years old now and I will never be that same size again, but I posted to prove a point...I am fat, no obese now!!! Not good. It is time to make a change. It is time for me to stop being in denial. My life and my health are too important. It is time out for excuses.
Why do I keep saying obese?? Because for the last few years I have justified it, said I am overweight, but in shape, said I am just fat, but no I am more than just fat...and that is not cool. I am tall and I always use that as an excuse. When I sit at my desk now I realize my stomach is getting in the way, when I try on clothes in my closet I realize they don't fit or they are a lot tighter, even in my shoes I can tell a difference, and all of this has to stop!!!
In the "then" picture I was a size 14 and almost had a flat stomach (remember I said almost). I was active in band and various activities. I was healthy. Now I can get from point A to point B, I can climb a flight of steps, I can walk a distance, but do I always make it there without being out of breath....no (just being honest). I workout in spurts, I eat right in spurts, and think about my health in spurts. I have to be more consistent overall. This is not just about physical appearance, but my overall health. This has to be done!!!
I have done workouts, eat less, personal trainer, almost any and everything to lose weight....but I have a problem. I am not consistent with it. I depend on other people to help me...this is about to change. Starting today (was about to say tomorrow, because I was going out to dinner tonight) I will no longer wait for others or depend on others to do this for or with me. I am doing this for me and I have to do this without expecting others being supportive or helpful. I will do fine as long as I have a trainer but paying $200-400 a month can be expensive. I have the information, I have and know what I need to do, now I just have to do it!!! And keep doing it!!!
This weekend I went to visit a friend and her husband in Atlanta. It was a much needed getaway and I had a great time....but it made me think of some other issues I am dealing with. Everytime I go to Atlanta I get the urge to move down there, but surprisingly this time I didn't.
Don't get me wrong I had a great time chillin, going out, and hanging out with friends, but this time I asked myself is Atlanta really for me? We went out for drinks and I met my friend so I had to drive....getting there was fine, getting back...not so fine. Luckily I had GPS, but it was not the best. Once I get to the expressway I was good, but navigating all the different interstates really get me confused!!! I did get excited when I did not get lost getting out of Atlanta (last 2 times I went down there I ended up going the wrong direction and having to turn around...not good.
Anyway...while down there I realized I was running away from my problem(s). I was avoiding the obvious and refusing to accept what I have known in my heart all along. It is so hard for me to let go and express my feelings about people. I love people and they continue to let me down, but I still give them chance after chance, why do I do this when they continue to hurt me?
One of my friends had an interesting facebook status and I acutally "liked" it...but the more that I thought about it the more it did not sit right with me...The status said:
just because a person doesn't love you the way YOU want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how
Now....on the surface this sounds like something great, but if a person loves you the way they want to is that truly love? I mean this statement can justify so many wrongs. I love someone dearly, but he does not know, or will not show love back...or he is showing the best way he knows how, but that is not enough, because I still feel like he does not care, but it is sad I know he does....
I was having a convo with one of my best friends when I left church yesterday and I recurring theme came up....People thinking and knowing for themselves what they believe in. I will be the first to say that I am not where I think I should be in this, but it is a process and I am learning and reading daily to improve....which I think most people are not.
My friend and I use to go to the same church and did the majority of our college lives and I still go there as an adult. She is now married and lives in Atlanta so she goes to a new church. One thing that irritates us both is sometimes people will be quick to quote the pastor....but can't quote the Bible. They will say:
My pastor says....
Bishops says....
Whoever says....
Shall I continue??? My point is people hear things and never question them. I mean if your pastor told you that your hair was green would you take him at his word or think, hey my hair has always been black, let me go look for myself??? I value the roles of pastors and leaders, but I think people become people followers and they don't study the Bible for themselves.
Now...this being said I strongly believe in respecting other people's faith, religions, and beliefs. I think more and more of society and the world need to learn to agree to disagree....peacefully. Everyone has to come to their own understanding and I can't and I will not force my beliefs on someone else and I hope they will respect me the same way. I do think a problem becomes when people cannot defend what they believe in.
I can only speak from my perspective, but I think a lot of times Christians are not able to defend their faith...including me in the past (still a process). If you believe in something you should be able to defend what you believe with a valid argument. If I make the statement that private school kids are smarter than public school kids I need to be able to show documentation and test scores to prove it (I don't believe this...I am a public school kid!). But I should not just make a blanket statement or believe in something that I am not able to back up.
I think I am done...just wanted to pose the question are you able to defend what you believe in?
Why do I continue to do this to myself??? I worry and fret over the things that I have no control over. I need to just relax and let things happen. Two things in my life right now are up in the air....but honestly what can I do? I can get an answer sooner, I can't worry about the outcome, I just have to continue to live life and if it happens....it happens.
I always do this to myself and I hate when I do it. I had to stop in blog about it to process it out because I am really stressing myself out. I mean it is becoming hard for me to focus at work, I am contemplating some things that I never thought I would contemplate, and I am crying when there is no need to.
I have these emotions and feelings that I can't express and it is killin me!!!! I mean I keep asking myself why do this to myself? I am learning to be patient and learning to wait....it is hard. What is sad is I know the outcome....the question is when will it happen, and I think to me that is worse. It is like knowing you are about to give birth. You know the baby will be born and closer to the date you are like is today the day? How much longer do I have to wait?
I think I have written enough to calm me down and hopefully I can focus for the last hour of my main job. I have to remain focused and get myself together!!!! Hopefully I will have answers soon.
Last night at church we had "Women's Night Out #2" which was a discussion on relationships, men, and women. It was interesting...I mean I have a unique perspective on relationships (really want to blog about it...not ready yet) and I guess I listened to the advice given, but I always have a different view than most people.
One thing that is a topic that always comes up is expectations of the person you want to be with. People have this image, or vision for the "perfect" person for them...but does that person exist? I am not saying have expectations or lower your expectations, but do people have realistic expectations for a mate? Does one flaw discount a person from being "the one?" Not everybody will look like Halle Berry and have a perfect compatible personality. Are looks that important? If you are married is the person you are with the person you always envisioned for yourself? Are people's expectations actually delusions???
I mean what do you expect in a mate? What is important to you? Are your expectations realistic???
These are just some questions I ask myself and that I think about....
This is one of my favorite songs of all times. I am a huge Out of Eden fan and this was one of the songs that got me hooked on their music. This song got me through some hard times in college and still helps me get through some things today. If you just listen to the words and the melodies the song really says something.
I am hitting a critical point in my life and really making some difficult decisions in my life. To others they might not seem big, but to me they are. It could determine where I see my life in a few years, my career, my family, and my friends. I have been praying and thinking a lot lately and I do think I am coming to a conclusion or the begining of what direction I am going....only God knows what is in store and I am excited about what is going to happen and what is happening.
This weekend was great, but had a lot of things to think about....I am about to make some tough decisions in my life and honestly I don't know which direction I will take. I mean I had the next few years of my life all planned out. I have debated back and forth for a while and finally made the decision to move on in my life....now another opportunity has presented itself...still moving on, but more options.
I am thankful for those options. I am thankful that I am moving forward in my career and that I am meeting challenges head on. I am not dependent on parents and family as much which is a good thing. They always have my back, but I don't want to take advantage of family and friends. I am learning to stand up for what is best for me and not pleasing others. Sometimes the decisions that I make that are best for me, might not be best for others and I have to realize that is not me being selfish.
Yesterday at church the message was about changing your crowd. It was a great word, and an awesome service. It made me think about the people in my life that I need to let go of and the people that I should keep around. Not that the people to let go of are bad, but their season in my life has passed. I have this issue on so many levels...I am loyal to friends to a fault at times and I try to see the good in everybody, and it is very hard for me to let go of people who really have no reason for being in my life right now. I want to surround myself by positive people and forward thinking people. Friends should not be stagnant. My circle of friends is small....and is about to get smaller and I am okay with that.
I am about to make some hard decisions, but they will be decisions that will be better for my life and the direction I am going. God has a plan and I am trying to follow that plan. I have to to stop doubting self and step out on faith...
By no means am I conceited, but I am confident. Today is one of those days where I just love being me!!! I tried new products on my hair and I am loving them. Check them out... Mixed Chicks!!! I am having a productive day at work. It is Vandy's homecoming weekend and I am actually going to be social. I have a job interview next week and might be able to work ONE job and keep the lifestyle that I love. I went to the doctor yesterday and my health is good! (not great...still got to lose some weight, working on it) Nothing will stop my joy and happiness today. My goal is to approach each day with this mindset. Life is too short and too great to do otherwise. Got to focus on the positives and let everything else go. God is good! Life is good! I am good!!!
This cd is in heavy rotation on the Ipod right now. I love music right now and purchased this yesterday with Mario's new cd and Mario's cd....has not won me over, but Me'shell's has. I think my favorite song is her remake of Love You Down. It's melodies are so smooth and she provides a different take on a song I use to jam to back in high school (I am getting old).
I am still taking the time to listen to the words of the songs because I am caught up in her voice and the melodies right now. Devil's Halo, the title track, is a great instrumental interlude that I am feeling also.
I am no music connoisseur, but I love music, and in my opinion this is a great addition to any collection.
This weekend I had a lot of fun, but also came to a conclusion in my life about a very hard subject in my life. I am not in a relationship right now....but I do have feelings for two people. I have never been in this place before. What is crazy is that one of the people I could be with if I truly wanted to...but I know that in the long run that me and that person could never be together. The other person I honestly do not know if they feel the same way, but I can't help my feelings about that person. Lets call them person #1 and person # 2...
Person #1 is a great friend. They have my back and we connect on so many levels. There is a physical attraction and an emotional attraction....problem is we are two different people who live in 2 different worlds. We have fun together one on one. We can talk about almost anything. This person knows a lot more about me than most people. My question becomes does my feelings for this person supersede my feelings for others or how others view me? I don't live for others, but me being with this person would cause a rift in several areas in my life.
Person #2 is very similar to person #1....and might even know more about me than person #1. We connect on a different level. We are exact opposites, but alike in so many ways. Once again one on one we are an awesome duo. We have flaws and we accept each other for who we are...but...do they like me the way that I like them....not sure. I mean they know me in and out and the know what I expect from love yet they can't show it to me??? I know this person cares for me, if they felt like I felt all they would have to do is say something...SAY SOMETHING!!!! I don't know if I am reading into statements that have been said.
I just don't know what to do. I am at the point where I just want an answer...yes or no. If we will not be together...cool, I can put it out of my mind and move on.
This morning when I came into work I was checking my facebook account and was looking at the various links that some of my friends posted. I did not plan on writing a blog this early....but was inspired, or better yet disturbed at what I saw, or what I have been seeing.
There were two videos of children, no toddlers, no BABIES....doing outrageous things. I was like are you serious? I mean it is not funny, it is not cute, it is actually sad. I mean why do adults, I would say parents, but to me parents would not let their children be encouraged for foolishness, record and post this stuff online??? They want 15 minutes of fame?
Now I am all for positive images and encouraging children to use their gifts and talents. I am all for entertainment that is funny, but to let a child do whatever? To show a child that obviously doing something bad and encouraging the behavior? I remember back in the day there was joke that said it was sad that a child could tootsie roll, but could not read....the tradition still goes. But why????
Why is a ghetto mindset encouraged...and sad to say this not a "black" issue. I have seen youtube clips of all races of kids. Then we wonder what is wrong with society or what is wrong with kids today. Seeing a baby in a diaper drop it like it is hot is not cute. Seeing a child curse out their parent or another child is not cute. Seeing two children grinding on each other is not cute. Seeing a child curse out their parent is not cute. Seeing a child hit or fight someone else is not cute.
Okay....I think I am done venting. To end on a positive note. A positive clip on youtube. These boys are too cute. They are singing and enjoying a Popsicle...then running of to jump on trampoline...what kids should be doing at that age.
Today twitter has been down ALL morning....Now this has caused a problem....It has forced me to be more productive at work...HOW RUDE!!!!
This morning I deleted my myspace page which I have had for several years. A couple of days ago I deleted my blackplanet page which I have had since FRESHMAN year of college....that has been ages!!!! I remember the various other sites I have used in the past...collegeclub, friendster, classmates, and a few more, but now I use none of them.
What did we do before all of these social networking sites???
This is the question I have asked myself lately. I guess we actually did work. I mean all of these sites started while I was in college, but I can only imagine the distraction it would have been if they were as big then as they are big now. I know for a while my current job blocked facebook and that caused me to be more productive...not to say I am not productive now, but I know I spend more time on facebook than I should. I am thankful for the option of letting select people see that you are online (my boss is a friend on facebook...she is cool, but don't want to push it).
When my internet goes down at work I am lost (not literally, but you get my drift). So much of my work is research and looking up stuff and journals online when it goes down I am screwed...a blackberry can only do so much. Then I can't communicate through my social networking sites...not cool!!
One time I tried to go one week without checking facebook....it lasted a couple of days. I think it is a mjor way that people communicate now. I think about my blogger page and my google reader that manages my blogs I read (my job is bootleg and blocks sites...reader allows me to read the blocked sites) it is one site that I think if I tried to give up for a week it would be crazy!!! This morning when I woke up I had 40 blogs to read and that is just from about 5 hours of sleep...Imagine if I took off for a week and did not catch up on my blogs.
I was hearing about a spa or vacation resort out west that takes your blackberry and cell phone when you check in. Can you imagine no communication via email, cell phone or networking sites??? What is sad a few years ago that is how we lived.
Guess what post this is??? Yesterday was a bad day for me, but I am determined to make this day a better one....so far so good. Since this is my 100th post I really have no idea what to write about. I looked back at my first post on August 31, 2007...that seems like it was forever ago. I have done this blog thing off and on since then, but have become more consistent with it over the past year.
Looking at my first post. I have actually continued to encompass what I set out to do with this blog. Write about my random thoughts and feelings that I can not express to people closest to me. The blog is entitled If You Only Knew.... Most people don't and that is still true to this day. I sometimes ask myself do people really want to know the real you?? I mean not that you are fake, but what if everyone knew EVERYTHING that is going on in your mind and your though process...are they ready....doubt it!
Just my thoughts. Yes my view of the world, people, and life does not always fit the norm, and not everyone might agree with me, but that is how I feel. I am still on a journey of growth and understanding about so many things...I am loving the direction I am good. I have set backs, but I learn from them and move on.
Thanks to all that read, who comment, who don't comment. A few posts ago I wrote about why I blog and the more I blog the more I realize why...it helps me if no one else. Those of who you who enjoy my blog I am glad. I will continue to post, continue to vent, and continue to grow...Would love feedback and love suggestions.
I had a post I really wanted to put up today, but could not find the strength to finish it. Not having a very good day...I do not like when I get moods like this. I am realizing people have to admit when they are in these moods...I can't be happy and cheery all the time.
I hope I get out of this funk soon. I know what I want to do....but I know I should not do it. I know who I want to call....but I know I really don't need to talk to that person right now. I am in one of those moods where I am tired of doing the right thing and really want to do the wrong thing...I have to resist temptation.
That is all I have to say for now...I do hope tomorrow will be better
Don't know if anything I write makes sense...but just typing whatever comes to mind...might not go together at all...OH WELL!!!!
Okay...I am having a very bad case of the Mondays!!!! This morning I woke up at the butt crack of dawn like I usually do, but today I felt like doing nothing...I mean I got up and cooked, but go to work...really did not want to at all. Then everything at work is irritating the crap out of me. That is not good.
I get in moods where I get tired of a job and I hope I am not getting in that mood. I love what I do and love how I help people....but today for some reason I am very frustrated. I am not looking for a new job nor do I want a new job, but I just sometimes feel that there is more that I can do. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and sometimes I question if what I am doing is what I want to do for the rest of my life? I love my coworkers and boss (most of the time) but for some reason today I will do not want to be bothered with them.
I had a great relaxing weekend and wish it could have been longer...Oh well. What did I do this weekend???? NOTHING!!!! I don't get to do that that often which was great. Did things not get done, of course...I will do them later maybe throughout the week.
I tried these new products on my hair this weekend, Mixed Chicks. I think I really like them, although I am not mixed, my hair is naturally curly and it worked wonders!!!! The shop was out of it so they gave me samples...I am on call list when the new shipment comes in. Only one store in Nashville sales it, but fortunately it is around the corner from my place!!!
I vented about my job which I try not to do, never know who is reading, but oh well. Now I will vent about people that I mentor with. Some people just frustrate me so much...I can't and will not be over every project that is set forth...do I want it to be a mess, not but it is not my responsibility to oversee everything. I use to be like let me step in, but I will not. I do not think tonight will be a mess....but if it is I won't be surprised. Order??? Is that too much to ask.
I know I should not let people get to me that don't know any better, but is it my fault that you are slow functioning. Now I always check myself because my mom says I can be stuck up and look down on people....which is not true. I can be bougie (never thought the word was spelled right) but I think all people deserve respect, but stupidness should not be tolerated. Laziness is not acceptable??? I hate to see things that I am in charge of a mess and feel that everyone should feel the same way!!! Might be wrong about my feelings....working on it, but no one else has convinced me that I am wrong.
This Sunday at church the guy the plays the piano sounded so beautiful... He is on facebook and I so want to add him, but I do not know him like that. Some of my other friends have added him, but until we are introduced formally....I will not.
Okay....I think I am done typing my random thoughts....if the layout is jacked up I will try to correct it, not very good at this. This is me procrastinating at work...Luckily a friend and I are going out to lunch!!!!
A few days ago I wrote about the health of my grandmother. She is doing better, but she is 89 and still has a long way to go. She is adjusting to being in a nursing home slowly, but she still hates it, but we know it is for her best....Well this weekend my mother went to visit her and she was having a conversation with her to jog her memory and this is how the conversation went. ( I personally don't like to curse...but for thist story it is must):
Mom: How do you spell your name?
Grandma: S-H-I-T
Another Lady in Nursing home: Hi Ms. Shit! (as she smiles)
Everytime I think about this story I laugh....Brings me humor in a rough situation.
One of my mentors is a celibate monk, and he says we can live without sex but we can't live without love. And there are a lot of people who have a lot of sex and never experience love, and people who never have sex [but] have deep experiences of intimacy and love.
Last night I was working with a group of teenagers that I mentor and we were discussing stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination. This brought up interesting conversation and thoughts that everybody had. It was good to get thoughts out even if they were wrong because this is how they felt or things they thought. How can we change problems if we do not know the exist???
During the conversation there was an older mentor who really irked my nerves (she usually does, but last night was worse) because of statements she made. She has a problem of going on and on and on and on...Get my point??? Okay. She first made me upset because she called my Alma Mater racist...they got me real heated. Then she made the statement that you can only be a racist if you have power. I was like serious??? I have heard this argument before, but it is so flawed. I then had to look up the definition of the word to make sure I was not crazy. Merriam Webster's dictionary defines racism as follows:
1. a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce and inherent superiority of a particular race. 2. racial prejudice or discrimination
With this being stated...what does power have to do with it? I am pretty sure some of the people who did not vote for our President because he is African-American are racist and they have no power. Then you might argue that everyone has some type of power so therefore everyone can be racist.
So what is your definition of racism? Do you think it has to do with power?
This morning I was up reading my daily blogs and watching the news and the my local news station was reported on the same story that follows:
I pray for the children's safe return and that they are okay. My problem is something is not being addressed. The clip above gives more details than my news station gave, but...it seems like people are not even worried about the fact that this is a 12 year old PREGNANT teenager!!! Am I crazy for thinking like this??? The fact that she has not named the father also concerns me. How does a 12 year old get pregnant and they do not know who the father is??? Then they say the adoptive father has them and the mother is estranged.
The pieces to this story just don't add up to me....that is all I am saying.
I was procrastinating at work today and decided to change my blog lay out...Don't know if I like...What are your thoughts? I have not figured out how to put my twitter feed back on, but still try. Love the design, but not sure if I like the ease of use...
I usually don't post on the weekend much, but this irritated me so bad today. Today on twitter Rev Run posted this:
"Men are like a deck of cards, u'll find an occasional KING, but most are Jacks!"
I paid no attention to it at first...then I went over to facebook and a few of my friends put this as their status...Then I began to think...There are just as many kings in a deck of cards as there is jacks....so his statement is flawed. Please correct me if I am wrong, even if I am it does not negate the point of this post.
I wrote all this to say. Just because a person says something does not mean it is true. Just because they sound good or sound smart does not mean it is right. When I was growing up my Saturday morning cartoons had an interlude that said "Great minds think alike...no great minds think for themselves."
People lets think!!!!
I am done...back to your regularly scheduled program.
Last night I was really irritated by a conversation...and I said nothing. Does that make me a hypocrite? I think last night I had gotten tired of being the lone voice and what I was saying was not being listened to by anyone at the time. I love these people, but they honestly don't see reason or both sides of the situation.
I think about the idea of is my remaining silent condoning the behavior? We all have our own opinions and we all have the right to have them, but can people learn to agree to disagree civilly???
I will be the first to admit that I have been and can be judgmental and working on that daily, but why do people feel that other people's issues are worse than theirs? Do people not see that we are all works in progress and just because I fall short in on area does not make me better or worse than you? Life is a learning process...which I am learning from everyday.
One of my recent posts talked about how my grandmother is getting sicker...Today my mother is putting her in a nursing home. I talked to mother this morning and she is okay, but...I don't know what to do in this situation. I want to go home to help my mother, but she says no. I want to call, but I don't want to disrupt the moving process. All I can do right now is pray.
I am a person of faith and believe in God. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I try to find the positive in everything. Every experience is a lesson. I know God knows what is best. It is hard for me to focus on work right now because all I can think of what is going on with my mother and my grandmother...and what is sad my mother has a sister who is not on board with moving my grandmother to a nursing home which brings in family drama...but that is not the point.
I am having this internal debate to call or not to call, go visit or stay in Nashville. I know if I were to go home my mother would be mad. I think I will wait until I get a call from her and then decide. All I can do at this point is pray. I think logically about so many things, but I do have a heart. I am hurting, but okay. I am at peace, but still have feelings.
Today is a rough day...but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Back to my regularly scheduled program...work!!!
I thought about this today while I was going through the many blogs that I read during the day to break the monotony of going through numerous excel spreadsheets and access databases (don't get me wrong, I love my job...but some tasks can be tedious). As I read and looked at some of my favorite blogs they all have a theme or a general method for the postings...Then I looked at my blog. What was I, or what am I trying to accomplish with the blog.
Honestly....I don't know. I have so many random thoughts in my head and I just wanted a place to get them out. I use to blog on myspace...but rarely sign on to myspace. My facebook account has intersected business and personal so I dare not post on there (too much work to restrict various parts of page).
I know sometimes people might read my post and be totally confused...sometimes I am too. But in my posting I process things out in my mind. I get things out that I am not always able to articulate to other people. I get things out without being judged for my thoughts or looked at crazy by those closest to me that truly do not understand.
So why do I blog??? I still don't have a complete answer for that. Sometimes I would like more people to read or respond to my posts...most don't. Sometimes I wish that I would tell more people that are close to me about my blog...but then I might not be as open. Sometimes I feel like I blog to vent about things that irritate me. I guess I have various reasons...guess it is a work in progress?
I have been going through a lot lately and have been processing a lot that has been going on in my life and in the world. I think I while ago I might have written a similar blog about true love...but I guess this time I am posing the question what is love? I can quote scripture, what people tell me, or cute sayings that I have seen in various media, but truly what does love mean to you? What does love mean to me?
Should love hurt? Is love a physical act or an emotional state of being? Why do people equate sex with love? Can you love someone enough to let them go? When you think of love why do we always think of a romantic type of love? Can a woman love a man without wanting to be with that man? Can a person every truly fall out of love with someone?
These are just a few questions that have been running through my head. Can a person love someone else if they don't love themselves? Can you have love without passion? Do people really know what love is?
These thoughts keep going through my head. I have thoughts on the subject, but not ready to express...yet. I am in love, in love with life, all the good and the bad. I love and I love hard, but what scares me is the person who I love the most does not see it and if they do they do no reciprocate that feeling. This may or not be a romantic love, but I know it is love. Can I see myself with this person...yes and no. Do I want to be with this person...yes and no. This might not make sense to most, but I am trying to process the feelings I have through my mind and soul.
